Turkey Baster
by counselor
Summary: Bella is determined to get pregnant. What's the difference if she uses a high tech appliance or a crude flesh appendage, it's all just delivery systems, right? And here he comes now.
1. Chapter 1

Turkey Baster One

Bad Cinderella

My feet were already dying in these heels. But logistically I needed the height. I tended to get crushed in these clubs, especially when I tried to belly up to the bar. And then, I needed to prepare for having sex on my feet, so to speak. And short girls, well it's nearly impossible if you think about it and I had, believe me. Thank goodness tax season was over so I could think about it. He's six-two, and I'm five-four without these whore heels. Do the math. He's got to be able to get it in there, and then he's drunk.

That's another thing, you'd think I'd have money, a person in my position, an accountant. But I wanted my little nest egg in tact for when I actually had the baby. I had a high deductible. That's why I wasn't going the artificial insemination route. I didn't need to pay ten grand when I could get the same application for free. I mean a turkey baster is a turkey baster, right, whether it's some high tech appliance or the crude flesh appendage, it's a delivery system, nothing more. And nothing more.

So I was basically dressed like a slut so I could achieve the infamous wham bam and don't call me in the morning.

I had a target, random as this seemed. Afterall, I planned to do it without latex or pharmaceuticals, and though I needed a total man-whore for many reasons, I certainly didn't want an STD. So I'd done my research and this one was clean. OCD, actually, with a good dose of hypochondria. Needed to be in control and that included frequent testing. Great. That was exactly what I needed him to think as I ran the entire show like the great Oz behind the curtain. It's a long story, and I'll get to it, but for now, it's a Friday night, the night babies are made by drunken people all over this world. I could do this for baby and me. It was no less dignified than paying some tired doctor an exorbitant amount of money to ram something more respectable in the same place to deposit the same ingredient. I don't care what Rose said in her many lectures. The more she talked the more determined I became. I wasn't going to pay for what baby daddy was offering for free.

Now where was he in this jungle of lust and sweat? Oh yes, that would be him, that tall head of reddish hair. Yes, just like Alice said. And here he comes. Whoops, weaving a bit on his feet. Steady there, boy, steady, come to mama, come to ma….

"Well hello there, Gorgeous," I say, blocking him right before he reaches the bar. His eyes are kind of stunning. Those brows….

I have my hands behind my back and I'm pressing the girls forward. I'm wearing this strapless dress. It's nude colored. Very short. He's taking me in. Surely he's seen a girl before, whore that he is.

"Like what you see?" I say, cliché my middle name. I don't want to waste brain cells on trying to be creative.

"How much?" he asks.

What?

"I'm not a working girl. I'm not here to pick you up. But I did pick you out."

He lowers the two empty glasses he'd been carrying to the bar. He's smiling at me and there's a hot look in his eyes. He can't believe he's this lucky, but yeah he can, he's always lucky. "For what?"

"Whatever you want. That's how I roll. I pick the hottest guy in the room and I make his dreams come true."

He laughs. "Seriously?"

I step forward and grab his belt with one hand and let my free hand trail down his front. "As a heart attack," I say, holding his gaze.

"What are you wanting to do here?" His voice cracks.

"Here? I'm not that kinky. Let's take it into the back room at least." I'm channeling Marilyn when I say this. Not Manson…Monroe.

"Do you have a condom? Cause I have to get to the machine if you don't," he says, just like I expected him to.

I flip my hand and show him the altered condom in the perfectly resealed package.

"You little vixen," he says, all proud of me.

"I want it against the wall. No foreplay. I need to feel it, baby."

"Shit," he whispered, reaching around me to put the glasses on the bar. He took me by the arm and led me around the side of the bar to a long, dark corridor. He opened the first door we came too, and pulled me inside. It was a dark smelly room, one window up high, a long folding table against the wall and a furniture quilt piled on it. He pushed me against the opposite wall. I already had my dress pulled up, and I was helping him undo his pants, slapping at his hands when he fumbled like the drunk he was. When I had him free, I opened the condom foil, laughing at how much time I'd spent sealing it just right so he wouldn't notice. What a waste. I rolled the thing on him, ignoring whatever he was saying to me, stupid questions, kind of dirty and really annoying, and I climbed up him as he bent his knees and scooped me up, and tried to kiss me while I turned my head and said, "Beer breath," and he said sorry, and then we weren't talking at all, because he pumped into me, and it hurt like anything because I'd only done it, or had it done to me that once, but this really hurt, and in three pumps he was done, and I could feel the wet, and he was apologizing, and breathing hard, and for just a second, his hair, or his eyes in the dim light, the apology that he meant to be sincere I think, something about him got to me, but just for a split, split second.

I pushed him away. He said, "Whoa," and stumbled back a little. It had been pretty rude, and I had tears in my eyes, but I thought of Alice. One of the ridiculous shoes had fallen off, and I couldn't find it, but I had my dress down and when he tried to touch my arm I reacted so violently he said, "Whoa," again, then, "Sorry…I didn't mean to hurt you." Like he was sober now, too sober, so I ripped the door open and ran out of there, kicked off the other shoe and kept going, with him calling after me, "Wait a minute your shoe."


	2. Chapter 2

Turkey Baster 2

It Hurts So Good

I bought some cheap flowers in the hospital gift shop. I was practically skipping as I hurried to the elevator. "Hold the door, hold the door," I sang out. I scrunched in with a few others. I held the yellow mums close to my blue blouse and tapped my toes in my black ballerina flats just a few times.

"Somebody smells good," the sleeze ball right behind my shoulder said under his breath. It had to be me, the maintenance man next to me, or the elderly lady next to the sleeze. My vote was the elderly lady, but I didn't want to bring her into this. Come on floor thirteen. As soon as we got there I was off. Someone was close behind me. "Hey," he said, "somebody looks good in those blue jeans." I turned around, and watched him flinch back. He was a youngish looking dude in baggy jeans and a button down shirt. Not yet a sleeze, just a stud. It's like after looking at me the words fell right out of him. I laughed to myself. I still had it. I learned from the best—Rose. She really could make men cry.

I made my way to room one forty three. They had the door closed so I waited in the hall. I kept tapping my feet. I'd done it. And I couldn't tell her. Lord, if she even had an inkling…she would throw me out of the thirteen story window. Well, she'd want to, but she was still healing from the hysterectomy, so violence was out of the question.

But oh, if she only knew. But she had this uncanny way of knowing when I was lying, so I told her about the date, and borrowed her shoes. Oh, that hurt, thinking of the shoes. They were my way of bringing her along. Now I could speak freely about meeting Edward, and I'd tell her it didn't work out, which my dates never did, I'd make her laugh, and then I'd have to tell her about the shoes. Well, not today, but soon.

The nurse came out then and said I could go in. She'd had her shower and she was lying in bed in her pink robe with her little spiky hair all wet. She looked about fourteen, her skin was so pure and she was so tiny. My big sis, Alice Marie Whitlock.

"Love you," she said, as I extended the flowers.

"Back at ya," I said sitting next to her on a slice of the bed. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I lost some important stuff down there."

We laughed, but she had her little hands on her stomach. "Oh, don't make me laugh."

"Okay," I said, like that was possible. We did nothing but laugh together. It was just that way. She'd protected me my whole life, and now…I couldn't talk about it. But I could still feel it. I shifted around a little. He'd left me sore. I could still feel him. There was that moment…when I don't know…sex was a powerful thing. How well I knew that.

"You're so pretty," she said to me. "You're not telling me something."

That's how she did it. First I was pretty, and then I'd be telling her my deepest secrets. Well not this time.

"I'm not nearly as pretty as you, and I told you on the phone it was painful." I had to laugh a little at that one.

"Bella, what was wrong with this one?"

"He…wasn't even close to Jasper." Jasper was my standard by which all other men must be judged. Since no one could come close I was safe.

"Of course he wasn't, but that doesn't mean he wasn't a nice person. How are you going to get to really know someone if you won't let them have another date? What was wrong with him?"

"Um…he drank too much."

"Oh. Well maybe he was nervous and it was a one time thing."

"He slurred his words and said like…lewd stuff."

"Really? Like what?"

"I'm not repeating it!" I was feeling a little guilty.

"He was like a ho-bag?" We burst out laughing and she grabbed her stomach again. "Bella, stop."

"You stop," I said putting my hand over hers. I took the flowers and stood to put them in a vase. I threw out the older ones and put the fresh ones in. The room was a bright mix of cards and balloons. She was a first grade teacher so there were also children's drawings everywhere.

"He was okay, but I just kept thinking of…."

"…your chair and you Nook. You say the same thing every-time. You're going to be an old maid in that chair. I know women aren't supposed to need men and blah, blah, but that's a load of crap. You can't do it with a chair. At least…have you?"

Now we were laughing again and she was groaning.

I couldn't quite look her in the eye so I decided to rearrange her cards.


	3. Chapter 3

Turkey Baster 3

"I'm going to kill you," Rose was saying to me over the phone.

"Why are you whispering?" I asked.

"Because I am talking about killing you," she said, "and Emmett's in the next room waiting for me."

"I thought you couldn't stand him."

"I can't. This is the longest break-up in the history of the world."

"I didn't know you were going with him."

"I wasn't, but he seems to think I was. He's so annoying."

"Anyway, Alice was so disappointed Edward didn't work out."

"You should have never been so careless to let her see the picture."

"I didn't mean to. You know I have no privacy. She said she was just going to check her messages, and it popped up, and she went on about him."

"Now he's in her head. I say abort operation Turkey Baster. Be glad it didn't take."

"I am not glad. Now I have to go back in. Or…he does."

"You can't. You need a new…baster."

"No. He's perfect. He has no self-control. He would never want a child. He's completely self-centered. He is detached from his own life. He's disease free. He's perfect. He practically stands there and pumps it out like a…hot butter pump."

"You realize what you just said is very off."

"Well…have fun dumping Emmett."

"I will. Strangely."


	4. Chapter 4

Turkey Baster 4

The music was beating like a drum in my skull. I'd already seen him, in the usual boothe, back corner. He'd shaved his head, and yet I'd picked him out in five minutes. I wasn't a drinker, but alcohol might help the sick feeling in my stomach and my shaking hands.

She wouldn't stop crying—Alice. That afternoon Jasper had called me and asked me to stop by. I thought she was doing better, but the depression was thick. I knew it as soon as I heard her voice on the phone. And later at her house, her eyes, like the lights were switched off. "What am I now?" she said.

"You're Alice Marie Whitlock," I said sounding so pathetic she had to laugh a little.

"But that's the problem," she told me crying. "I'm not a woman. I'm not a man."

I think she felt better when I left. But that's what brought me here. I had pretty well decided to let this go. I couldn't imagine doing it yet again. But then, all of my life I've pulled back when I should act. People flew all over the world to bring home a baby. They spent months in foreign lands and spent thousands of dollars to take a chance on a child, sometimes a very wounded child. If that wasn't love…and so was this. Convoluted as it might be, this was love all the way around.

While I was pondering this he approached me. I looked up and there he was. I sat my bottle of water on the bar. "Hello," I said.

"It's you," he kind of breathed. "It's really you."

"Ready? I don't have much time." I lifted my chin. I was mad for some reason.

"Ready for what?" he laughed, like incredulously. I don't think he was drunk enough.

"Let's go," I said, walking past him in my short blue dress and pulling on his arm.

He wasn't moving. "Wait," he said. "Are you for real?"

"What do you think?" I said, growing more angry by the second.

"I have your shoes."

I swallowed. I wanted them. They belonged to Alice. "Where?"

"Come home with me and I'll get them for you."

"No," I said firmly.

"Why not? You have something against comfort?"

"I don't need comfort. Come on," I tugged again, but he wasn't moving.

"Do you have a card? I need your name and address so I can mail them to you."

"Right. Look, are we going to do this, or do I move on?"

"You're making it difficult for me to hold onto my…." He breathes out and rubs his head. He's really…cute. I feel that thing again, I'm mad I've had to come back here. I don't want to know him. I can't.

"I'm offering you sex. No strings. I have the condom. Are you in…or?"

He gestures toward the room, and I lead the way. The room we used before is locked, so now we end up in a broom closet.

"I would happily take you to a hotel," he says as I pull up my dress and rip the foil on the altered condom. He's staring at my private place and swallowing hard. So we're stuck like that for a minute.

He mechanically opens his jeans and pulls out the baster. I roll on the condom. "This is…," he tries to say, but I put my hand over his mouth.

"Just get it in there," I say, and he picks me up easily and lifts me as I wrap my legs around him and try to remember to keep my shoes on.

"I…I can't," he falters.

I punch his shoulder, "Just do it!" I say loudly.

"Hey, what's with you? You're a pretty girl…."

I'm staring at his lips. 

I'm going to have to up the ante. I'm going to have to kiss him. I push my mouth against his. I don't know what I'm doing, I'm no kisser as a rule, but I shove my tongue in there, in his sweet mouth, and I'm kind of surprised, like so sweet, and he groans, and it's deep and sincere, just lust, but it brings something out in me, and maybe that's what was missing last time, I wasn't open enough, and I can feel myself responding down there where he's pressing against me so hard now, and it kind of gets in there by itself as we continue to attack each others mouths, and he's holding me so tight against the wall, I'm not expecting it when he pulls me away from the wall and he's just holding me, like primal man, so strong, my gosh, and he's in there, and I'm back on the wall and he's pumping, and trying to touch me down there, and I rip my mouth from his and shout, "No," so loudly again, and I want to apologize, but he's withdrawn his hand and he's starting to look at me again, in this deep way, and I grip his chin and pull his face back to mine and slam our mouths together again, and he pumps and shudders, and I try to forget my hot butter analogy, because it feels…like more.

And I'm crying. I don't know why. "Get off, get off," I say pushing him back, and he tries not to drop me, but I'm more than ready to get down, and my shoes hit the floor.

And he's saying, "Don't rush off. I don't even know your name."

"Don't," I say, and I'm trying to get him to stand aside so I can open the door, but he's not moving. "Let me out or I'll scream," I say, holding his dark and stormy gaze, and aware of how torn he is, like I know things about him now that I've let him in my body. Twice.

"Why are you being like this? I wouldn't hurt you."

"Shhh," I say because I can't stop him from being so kind quickly enough. "I don't want anything else," I say as firmly as I can. He looks…hurt? "Now step aside," I say, fixing my gaze on the handle of the door, which I've reached behind him to grip onto.

He moves then. "Will I see you again?" he says, but I'm already hurrying away.

I know he follows, I know he hopes to discover something, so when I get outside I just keep running. I run past the parking lot where my car is parked, I just keep going, dark and seedy as the neighborhood is, I go all around the block, and it's creepy and weird, and a couple of guys try to pick me up, but I just keep going, then I double back and get in my car and get out of there.

He's kind of a nice guy. I hope he gets his life together. Too bad he's such a loser. No, it's more than that. But I'm not going to look. I can't know him. There's nothing there anyway. I have to let him go. He's a means to an end. His reality isn't even acceptable. Alice is all that matters. Alice is the important thing.


	5. Chapter 5

Turkey Baster 5

I had trouble sleeping. I kept thinking about it, thinking about him. I'd seen him twice now, each time so vulnerable. The feel of him in my arms, in my body. What was I doing? I needed to see Alice, and I would in the morning. Saturday morning cartoons. Jasper was so tolerant of our need to stay joined at the hip. He would make the pancakes while we sat close on the couch.

Why had Edward shaved his hair? Was he in some kind of transition? He wasn't drunk tonight. He wasn't exactly sober, but more so than the first time. And he'd touched me…tried to pleasure me. That was just a control thing, him trying to do to me what I was doing to him. I would never let him have that. It was bad enough I'd kissed him. He was definitely getting harder to control. He was a good kisser. He wasn't a bad person. Just lost. I mean, I didn't have to hate him. He was doing an important thing, whether he knew it or not, and I would certainly honor his contribution.

Why was I thinking so much about this? He'd already got his gratification. He'd gotten off. I'd given him every weak man's fantasy, free sex without obligation. But I couldn't sleep. He was a good kisser. It hadn't been bad—the kissing. I touched my lips. He'd said I was pretty. I hated that. I hated that.

My cell phone woke me up. Alice. I quickly texted I was on my way. I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, stuck my hair into a clip, and stayed in my jammies and threw on a jacket and moccasins and grabbed my keys.

I could smell the pancakes as soon as I reached the door. I just used my key. Alice squealed when she saw the Starbucks cups and tray. She had her hands out wide and a flashing thought went through my head of something else I hoped to one day lay in those empty arms. I immediately felt better. I could almost forget about Edward now.

"Mornin' Sunshine," I said to Jasper who stood at the stove flipping the cakes. Alice had pink and blue plastic barrettes in his hair holding the thirty or so little braids she'd made. "Lovin' it," I told him placing his coffee on the counter and pointing to the doo.

"She's a…been bored," he said lifting the coffee and blowing through the drink hole.

I went into the living room, which was separated from the kitchen by a Granite counter.

"You're the best sister," Alice said in a creepy voice from the movie The Bad Seed. She could imitate the voice of the serial-killing child perfectly.

"Red rum," I said back in the scratchy voice of the little boy from the creepiest movie of all, The Shining.

"My fav," she said sipping.

I carefully sat beside her, took my cup and sat back, stretching my legs to the coffee table and crossing my ankles just like her.

"You went out with Edward last night," she sang, "and don't deny it. You can't lie to me. I've got nothing to do but sit here and channel you. I see everything you're up to."

I burned my tongue and coughed a little. Jasper reached over my shoulder holding a cup of water which I took and stuck my tongue into. Then I thought about sticking said tongue in Edward's hot mouth just a few hours ago. His sperm could be merging in there now even as I sat here by my sister. The reality of that left me speechless. She may think she knew what I was up to, but….

She nudged me, "Get any?"

I took a bit drink of the water and tried to keep my face impassive. "Do I look like I got any?"

She squinted her eyes as she studied me. I didn't even blink, but my heart was racing.

"You're up to something, but you look as sexually frustrated as usual."

"He's a nice guy. But there's nothing there. No spark." I wanted to tell her I ended it. If it didn't work this time, I was pretty sure he wouldn't go for it again, not without complications. But I didn't want to decide all of that right now. I didn't want to burn my bridges.

"You're lying," she said.

"I hate when you try to be Sylvia Brown," I said.

"I'm…not." She shook her head.

"A younger version of Sylvia then."

"I just get a vibe from you. I think you like this guy."

"I don't dislike him," I said, trying to go along, just enough. "There's just no future. I'm not looking to be a member of Al Anon."

"Then why did you go out with him again?"

"Because…he's just a guy."

"Okay, now I know you're lying. You're not this casual about men. Not ever."

Jasper brought our plates in then, sitting them on the coffee table, a dishtowel over his arm. "Juice or tea?" he asked.

"You are the best," Alice said, with kissy lips.

He blushed like they were still in high school, and believe me, I knew what I was talking about because I watched him adore her all through high school and college and after.

"Thanks, Jazz," I said.

He left us and went back in the kitchen because he cleaned up, too.

I set our coffees on the table and handed her a plate then took my own.

"How come you get the special red plate?" I asked.

"He's trying to make up to me about my uterus," she said.

"Alice," he said from the kitchen.

She laughed, and I had to. I looked back at him and he was shaking his head.

"Sorry. I'm in the acceptance stage. I keep thinking if I say it enough I'll come to terms," she said.

We ate in silence for a bit. She lowered her plate and let it rest on her lap.

"Aren't you hungry?" he asked coming close to her. I could see how he hovered. He did that when he was worried. All the times he hovered over us when we were young. Whatever he had, he tried to protect us with it. One night he was beaten for us. And when good old Charlie Swan beat you, he didn't kid around.

"I'm sorry, babe. It's so good," she said.

He leaned and kissed her. "It's okay, baby. You ate some." He kissed her again and took her plate. I acted like he was going to take mine and held it away from him. "Swanie," he said smiling a little, but his eyes were so sad. He liked to say, "Swanie, cry me a river." He'd said that to me for years. It would always lighten things up when he said it.


	6. Chapter 6

Turkey Baster 6

"I thought you were going to break up with Emmett," I said to Rose as she slurped the last of her cherry lime.

"I am. I will. But we need to get back to you and T. B.."

"I have four weeks. Once Alice gets back on her feet, I'll lose all of my freedom to set up dates so I can pursue fake relationships."

"And keep getting effed by the Baster."

"Right." I was a little miffed that she put it so crudely. And she had such contempt for…Baster.

"Yeah, well, when she does that Sixth Sense stuff, you need to keep denying that you're doing it with Edward. When and if you get pregnant you can go to her in your hysteria and plead for her and Jasper to take the baby. Because she protects you, she'll eventually agree. You'll be her surrogate, and we all live happily ever after. Only you get stretch marks."

"But there's a real problem. She should have never seen Edward's picture and learned his name." Me.

"Only his first name," Rose took a big bite of her veggie burger.

"You're the one who tagged the photo. I told you I didn't want to know his name."

"Just be glad I didn't tag it 'Turkey Baster.' Can you imagine what she'd be doing right now if she'd have seen that?"

I shuddered to think how Alice would have tackled that little mystery. Especially with all the time on her hands.

"You do realize," Rose used her thumb to poke some escaping lettuce into her mouth, "we have to get these dates set up like…yesterday. Then if you get pregnant, the father could be one or two of several. Of course you haven't slept with them all because she knows you're…stunted that way…."

"Moral," I interjected, though the word stung a little considering my two seedy trysts with Edward, but I planned to get back to moral someday as soon as I had the magic bean germinating away.

"This is imperative: You have to let her and Jasper think you were with more than one of them. Remember, you can't actually know who. You can act like Edward dumped you, and it hurt, so you got depressed, dated the others, and thought, why not? And did it with a couple of them, and you're not sure which one had the swimmers who crossed the finish line. Key here is, you didn't sleep with Edward. That will really throw her off. And don't forget Jasper. He has to be confused, too because they're like one brain."

She was making sense. Of course the whole plan was insane. But good.

"I'd say there needs to be three more, just to be safe. Jasper and Alice are too straight and narrow not to want to legally contact the father. If they know it's Edward, they'll track him down and make him sign over his rights. You don't want to get in to all of that." She was dipping a chunky fry in a dollop of catsup.

"They could never track him down."

"Take nothing for granted. Leave no stone unturned."

"And today is the first day of the rest of your life," I said flatly.

"They'll harass you until you tell them. They'll never move off of it. You know this. So you have to pass the suspicion onto a couple of red herrings." She devoured the fry and chewed with verve.

"Even I don't know who Edward is, Miss Marple. All I know is what you told me. He hangs at that disgusting bar masquerading as a club, and those few points. As long as I never tell them about that place, he's my deepest, darkest secret. Except for you. They can never know you know."

She wasn't talking now, but she was stuffing more fries.

"Slow down," I said, not in the mood to perform the Heimlech.

"We need to figure out the other guys. How about that guy from work?"

"Are you serious? Mike? I'd have to quit my job."

"Okay. Jacob Black?"

"Oh, kill me now."

"She doesn't know him. Just go on a couple of dates."

"You want to find out what Royce is up to," I accused, as Royce and Jacob were best friends, and for Rose, Royce was the one who got away. "Dating Black would get too complicated."

"Eric? Seth?"

"Maybe Seth. Alice doesn't know him."

"If you can't give me three more possibilities by tomorrow, you're going up on a couple of dating websites."

"Nooo," I whined.

"There has to be some possibilities out there—other guys she would never meet."

"Like Edward," I said.

"Yeah," she said, staring off and biting her lip.

"What?" I said.

"Nothing. I…I need to end it with Emmett."

"You keep saying that. Then you go out with him again," I signaled to the waitress to bring our bill.

"I know," she whispered, wiping her full lips with the paper napkin.

"This is the most you've dated one guy since Royce."

"He's not Royce," she said, a bit of an edge in her voice.

"And that's…is that good?" I knew this was a delicate subject at the best of times.

"He's kind of.,.," she was still whispering.

"Emmett?"

"Yeah, he's kind of…special." She looked at me now, but it threw me. There was this sheepish quality in her eyes, rare, so rare, but I was confused. She was looking at me like I had a crush on Emmett too and she was about to take him away from me.

"Then why are you thinking of breaking up with him? Enlighten me." I leaned as far toward her as the little table allowed.

She took in a big breath, not making eye contact with me again. She smiled at some secret thought. "He…he's…."

The waitress came to our table with the bill and I gave her my card. It was all Rose needed to snap her out of whatever she was about to reveal. I knew her. If she sensed I wanted to know too badly, she would close off.

"Anyway," she said, reapplying her red lipstick and snapping her purse closed, "I'm breaking up with him this week. And we've got four weeks to get you on…and off the dance floor. So to speak."

I leaned my forehead on the heel of my hand and groaned. I hated dating.


	7. Chapter 7

Turkey Baster 7

Date One:

I realized he was probably considered to be fairly handsome. The late bloomer type who's lack of athletic ability turned into a fashionable figure, kind of stick-thin, but wiry in a good way, and was able to pull off just about anything clothes wise. He wore glasses, but they were cool and gave him the look of a perpetual academic, and his eyes were a dark blue color that was kind of nice, except for the blood-shottedness of the whites from too many hours looking at various screens. But his hair was cute, styled just haphazardly enough to look a little sexy, and not too much product. Well, too much for me, but still in the reasonable zone for most of the population.

He was dark complexioned, and his hair was the color of fudge. I didn't like the sweater tied around his neck by the sleeves, no, I didn't like that at all, but I knew that I was being petty and mean, so I didn't let that stop me from trying to smile at him around every ten minutes or so. If I remembered.

But…he talked. And that was the ice water in the face, so to speak. Here's what he was saying, at the restaurant, on our date, and keep in mind I'm editing: "It's all moving into the science of computers now. You figure a 48.78% increase in jobs over the next six years…."

My fingers were under the table texting, "chair, Nook, chair, Nook," which I sent off to Rose even though Alice would appreciate it more, but she couldn't know my level of angst about my date with Seth because she needed to believe that I could, potentially, do the deed with him, so enraptured was I on this miserable outing.

Thank God they brought our food. One step closer to this evening being over.

"Need anything else?" the cheery waitress asked.

I said, "No," while he said, "I did need some more water and some hot sauce."

Oh. I started to shovel my pasta while he droned on, "You want to avoid programming, yeah that's all being outsourced overseas, but the best careers are opening across the board…," he didn't miss a beat when she brought the hot sauce and he energetically shook the bottle painting the orange stuff over everything, "so programming or engineering is where it's at with…." I watched him put the big bite of meatloaf in his mouth, and between the hot sauce and the incessant commercial for computer engineering, he was coughing and choking, and a chunk of something blew across the table straight at me making me scream.

I didn't know where it went.

"Ah," he said, "it's in your hair." Then I flinched when he reached across the table with his napkin, the same one he'd just coughed into.

"Sorry," he said pulling back. "I was…it's…."

I excused myself and ran to the ladies' room. There it was, same brown as my hair. Only the hot sauce made it obvious, it's own kind of traffic cone alerting one to the presence of a chuck hole.

When I got back to the table he looked defeated. But most of his food had been consumed. Mine, however, was nearly untouched. However, having had that meatloaf missile fired in my direction, I couldn't trust that other debris hadn't also been launched to land undetected in my meal.

So knowing this was so uninspired it was pathetic, I still said, "Look…it's not you, it's me. I'm just not feeling well. I knew it before I came, but I thought it was just from the stress of the day, but now I think I'm actually coming down with something. It feels like flu."

He looked at me for a minute, then nodded. "Whatever, Bella."

"Huh? Don't say that. I mean it," and now I'm gearing up for the biggest slice of cowpie to ever come out of my mouth. I'm begging myself not to do it, but I'm ignoring myself while I go right ahead, "Maybe we could try this again when I'm better."

"Sure, Bella."

"Don't rush," I say now, locked into this light voice that could almost be Alice's version of the serial killing child from The Bad Seed, "I'll just go, and you go ahead and finish your meal."

He nods. I'm dung. I gather my purse, and stand up, smile weakly as he looks back down to his food, and walk swiftly out of there. I am making a funny screaming sound in the back of my throat all the way to my car.

That's it. No more. Never, ever again. I'm not fit for human company. But then again, neither is he.

As soon as I'm home I call Rose. "It was so horrible, and I left him there."

"Who's this?" Rose said, her favorite thing because I tended not to say hello but just start in, so she'd act like she didn't know who I was.

"No more. I can't do this. Not another one."

"You know…I can't exactly talk right now."

"Oh."

"Yeah, I'll call you later."

Now that I was paying attention, her voice was a little off.

"See ya." I said, clicking off. She'd never done that to me before. Short of being bound and gagged, she never blew me off. I'm not saying I didn't deserve her to sometimes, but she just didn't. She might not answer me all the time, but when she did, I was hers. So what was that?

I was revved. I felt like I'd downed fifteen cups of coffee or something. Between my worry over getting pregnant, the nagging thoughts of Edward in my head, the horrible way I'd treated annoying Seth, and now the put off from Rose coupled with my inability to call my sister and tell her any of what was really going on, I grabbed my keys and left the apartment. I got in my car and started to drive. Aimlessly. I thought. Then I ended up at Edward's bar.

I sat in my car in the lot. I didn't want to go in. I didn't even have an altered condom. And if he wasn't in there, I'd feel like a fool, and if he was, I'd really be a fool because I couldn't possible get involved with him other than that most intimate act-intercourse.

I couldn't be this careless. I couldn't be spontaneous. I had to plan everything, every move carefully. For all I knew I was pregnant already. I wouldn't test until the first day of my missed period. That was the most accurate day, and I wanted to be sure. When it was time to stop I needed to stop. I mean I wanted to stop. Having sex with Edward. Of course I did.

I didn't need to be here. I most likely never needed to see Edward again.

And just like that I saw him. He was leaving the club and he rounded the building where I sat in my car. Just the glimpse I'd caught of him set my heart racing. I slumped down in my seat. He was such a beautiful man. I'd never admitted that before, but then I'd never seen him in the daytime, strutting his stuff across a lot, his jeans so right, his blue shirt so sexy I wanted to rub my face on it.

I'd had sex with this man. I knew what he smelled like, what he tasted like, what he sounded like, what he felt like shuddering into me. I remembered how he'd held me, like I was his.

I sensed things about this man. Don't ask me how…I just did. He was lonely and lost.

I had just straightened up a bit to see where he was, when he knocked on my window. I jumped and screamed a little, for the second time that night. But this was better. This was so much worse. Meatloaf in the hair I had easily survived. But this dark and stormy look, these…green eyes.

I turned the key and pushed the button that rolled down my window.

"Are you here to see me?" he asked, but there was no smile. I felt the intensity. I liked his voice, but I didn't want to.

"No." I straightened more and turned the key and the engine roared to life.

"Where are you going? Follow me to my house." He said this with a scarcely hidden insistence.

"No." I fumbled for the button to raise the window with one hand, and the other went to the shifter so I could back out.

"Don't leave. Let me take you out. We can just talk." He seemed to mean it. His hand was on the top of the widow and he gripped there and his knuckles were white.

I stared at his hand. I knew that hand, on me. "I…."

"Whatever you want," he said. "I'll do whatever you need." He took his hand back. He stayed bent, staring at me, waiting. His face, so close, so earnest. His mouth, his lips….

"I don't want to know you," I said. "It's just what it is."

"What is it? Just sex you mean?"

"Maybe I'll come again…like before. If I do…I just want it to stay like it was."

"Then why are you here," his hand on the window again, his grip white. "I don't even know your name."

"I…I didn't mean to stay. I was going to come in…see? It's already getting complicated…and if it does…I can't come back."

"Are you in some kind of trouble?" He reached in the window then, pushed my hair behind my ear.

I moved away. I almost yelled, 'don't touch me.'

"Maybe I could help you. I wouldn't hurt you." He pulls his hand away again and straightens. I can barely look at him. I feel ashamed. He's a person. Too much of one. I can't diminish him now. I'm already in trouble.

"I have to go…but I'll come again maybe. If I do…you know what it is."

"Are you married? I just feel like there's something…."

"I'm not married."

"Why me?" he said. "Why did you pick me out?"

I'd said that, and he remembered. "I…I have to go."

"When will you come again?"

"I told you…I might…I don't know." He couldn't know it all depended on whether or not I was pregnant.

"I don't want you to go," he said, his hands in his pockets, but his voice low, his eyes so…deep.

"It'll just be sex. I'm…" I'd almost told him I wasn't like this, that I wasn't a slut. What was I doing? I couldn't start a conversation. I couldn't.

"Let's go somewhere different. Follow me. No strings. We'll just…we'll do whatever you want." He'd said that before. I couldn't do this.

"I…."

"If you don't like it, you can leave. I won't pressure you. I won't try to stop you."

I didn't want to. For many reasons. This wasn't right, it wasn't smart. "I don't want to talk," I said.

"I'll get us a room, you wait in your car and follow me to the parking place."

"We can't talk…it's just…I don't…."

"Don't over think it. Just…come on."

I didn't have to follow him. I could always break away.

"I don't know. I'll…try." What was I doing? I had to let him go.

He smiled and knocked on the hood of my car. "It's right over there. Follow me."

He moved quickly to a silver Volvo. It wasn't what I expected for someone like him. Why was I interested? I couldn't get to know him. But if I wanted to get pregnant, every encounter increased my chances. And it had to take before Alice recovered. Then it would get complicated.

You're lying to yourself, I thought. You're trying to justify this departure from sanity. You're blowing it right now. You're ruining everything.

But he pulled out of the lot and I was in pursuit. I could still get away, I could still turn off. But I followed him to a motel on the outskirts of the city. It was a nice place, not too big, not too fancy. Of course I couldn't go in there, walk in there in the dress I'd worn to go out with Seth like I was some prostitute.

One thing was for sure, my dull, dull life had just gotten interesting. And I was excited. It was that way…since him. I wanted this.

He pulled in front, waving to me as he exited his car, eagerness in his steps as he went inside. His appeal knew no bounds. I waited to catch the odd angle or see I'd assumed he was better than he was, but he only grew more beautiful as I let myself appreciate him for more than his basting ability.

I stayed in the lane, parked in front of the place. The sun was setting, twilight. My conscience was trying to speak, but I was plugging my inner ears and saying "Nah-nah," at the top of my lungs.

When he came out, he grinned at me. I noticed how strong his shoulders were, how broad as he got back in his car. I followed him around the building and parked beside him. He was at my door before I undid my seatbelt. His confidence was helping me not to be too overwhelmed by shame. My shame came not only from the act I was headed toward, but for all the lies it was built upon. And even though I knew that somewhere in there I'd started on a noble note, I couldn't get to that right at this moment and just felt like I'd pretty much gone to the dark side.

But he kept his hand on the handle of my door and as soon as I clicked the locks he had it open.

"Wow," he said, eyes fixed on my legs as I pulled at the dress and got out. He stared at my shoes and shoved my door closed. He dragged his eyes up me, and I broke out in a chill. "You're so beautiful," he said.

I couldn't speak. I looked at him, but that's all I had. I don't know what my face betrayed. He was lying, of course, but I knew he wasn't. He just wanted sex. They said anything to get that.

"Look, this was a bad…."

"Don't," he said. "Give it a chance. Just a few minutes. At least get in the room, and if you don't like it…we can do something else…go somewhere else. We've never been alone…just two people. We don't have to do anything. I want to…but…whatever you want."

"I want to leave."

"Maybe you don't. You came."

"You're very persuasive." I laughed a little.

He laughed too, now. "I just…I want to be with you."

This wasn't good. It couldn't be good.

"I told you what it is. I've been honest," I lied.

He reached forward and slowly took my hand. I couldn't deny the spark I felt all along my limbs when he touched me. I wanted him. I was trained to want him. It's all we had.

"It's going to be quick," I said. "Just so you know."

He nodded, but he was already moving, pulling me along. We didn't say anything then. We entered the building, made our way to the elevators and waited quietly. He dropped my hand to push the button, and I folded my arms so he wouldn't try to take it again. We weren't sweethearts.

"You look nice," he said. "You always look good. I like the way you dress."

I shrugged. The elevator dinged and the door opened, and a portly man stepped out, ogling me first.

Edward held the door for me and looked after the guy then to me. He raised one of his heavy brows. "Asshole," he said, laughing a little.

I didn't say anything, but got in with him. We stood side by side and he pushed three.

He looked at me a couple of times but I stared ahead. He had the hand nearest me in his pocket, but he didn't fidget.

Third floor. He held the doors again and let me go first, then he led us down one hall, turned right, and at the end of the other we stopped at the last door. He worked the key in the slot. Red light. He cursed softly and did it again. Red light. The door wouldn't budge. He looked up at me, and it's like the world stopped. I knew what he was thinking…asking. If he left me to get the key fixed, would I stay?

I knew I would not.

"So close," he sighed. "If I go get this key fixed…and you're gone when I get back…." I heard him swallow.

I looked down at his brown boots. He was such a person. Not a lush. Just a guy…with feelings.

"Will you wait?" he asked.

I looked at him then. I wasn't expecting it, but he took one step toward me, and pushed me against the door, crashing his mouth against mine, and kissing me, first with movement and sounds, but then, slower, his body against mine, pressing my backside into the door, him unapologetically sealed to me, like he couldn't get close enough, his kisses running onto my neck, and I could breathe, but just long enough that he came back and covered my mouth with his warm lips and his hot breath, and sweet taste that made me senseless. "I…." I said, as he dragged his lips away and kissed my neck again, then pressed his forehead against mine and we just breathed.

"Sir," he looked, and I looked, and it was a security guard coming toward us. Edward pulled back, his hand on my forearm. "Everything okay?"

Edward held up the key. "Doesn't work."

"That the only one?"

"Yes," Edward said, pulling me away from the door, and into his side, his arm around me, the guard reaching for his key, then trying it for himself, seeing it didn't work. He took a key from his pocket then, swiped it and our door opened. "I'll have them reprogram this, sir, and it will be at the desk."

"Thank you," Edward said, pushing me into the room. He followed then, and closed the door, arms so quickly around me, kissing me again, kissing me, and I was falling, but he had me, and we bounced onto the bed as he moved over me, and we kissed, and he didn't stop, and everything that was me opened to everything that was him, not only my clothing, which was off with quick struggle, but my mouth, my arms, my legs. He made quick work of himself and soon we were skin on skin, and he couldn't tell me enough in word and deed, "Oh baby, you're all I think about, what are you doing to me?"

His hand in my hair, his arm wrapped around me, his mouth so alive on me, so tender, so not tender, but the words, the sounds, they take away my shame, and I don't care anymore, I don't know, but I know him, this need, this flesh, this hot love, this crushing and crashing give, this desperate take. This man, this moment. I love.


	8. Chapter 8

Turkey Baster 8

I forgot about the tears-that after he loved me I cried both times after sex in the bar. And that was without climaxing, so now that I had, a couple of times yet, I was weepy and I didn't know why. Other than…I had no idea what it felt like to lie in a bed like an adult and just push every inner voice aside and be present, not remembering anything bad, not resisting the act in anyway, just going with it.

He had his arms around me, and it wasn't uncomfortable.

We were quiet for a long time. I cried silently, but he knew what was going on. He kept stroking my arm with his thumb. Every now and then he'd plant a kiss in my hair. He was a sweet guy, and I wouldn't do this to him any more…use him like this. His arms were starting to feel a little claustrophobic. I willed myself to get a grip. I had to get away.

"Don't go," he said, kissing my hair again. His thumb had stilled, and he was gripping me almost like he'd gripped my window earlier…like death.

"I have to," I said, but when I sat up, I felt regret.

"We'll get something to eat. Where do you have to be? Don't you…?"

"It was great," I said softly, not able to hold his gaze, and clinging to the sheet which barely covered my breasts. We hadn't used a condom this time…at all. That was careless, careless of him. Rose said he was clean. But how could she know?

"C'mon," he said. "Don't break my heart." His voice was so alluring.

I smiled a little and looked away from him. So many complications. I couldn't have a relationship with him. What if I was pregnant? I couldn't be with him. He couldn't find out.

"You haven't even told me your name," he said.

That motivated me to get off the bed. I scooted to the edge, trying to take the sheet, but it was wrapped around him as well. "Turn around," I said, knowing I'd have to fish for my clothes in my birthday suit.

"Serious…?" he let out a breath and sat up, swinging his legs over the side and looking at the floor. His back was beautiful, and his shaved head so cute.

I smiled a little, and looked around for my dress. Of course it was on his side of the floor, as was everything else. I knelt on the bed and put a pillow on his shoulder, "Put this over your face."

He hit it away. "I won't look if you don't want me to," he said instead, his head bent low.

I got off the bed and went to where my clothes were scattered. I pulled on my panties but didn't see my bra, so I found the dress and pulled it on. It was black and short, just simple and form fitting. I'd worn flats with it. They were at the end of the bed on the floor, tangled in the bedspread. With my bra.

"I'm dressed," I said, standing as I worked my feet into the shoes. I pulled at the hem a little, then looked at him. I think he'd been watching me the whole time. "Liar," I said.

"You can't blame me. I never know if I'll see you again." I thought I saw anger. I wondered when it would surface. "You're beautiful and I want you."

"You don't even know me." I bent and swiped up my bra. What to do with it? I didn't have a pocket. And I'd left my purse in the car so he couldn't snoop.

"Here," he said, standing, naked and breath-taking as he approached me. "Turn around."

I turned and he pulled the bra from my hand. He gathered my hair and put it over my shoulder, letting his hand stroke over it, then over my breast, which he took in his hand for a moment, "I love your breasts, your nipples are so pink."

What do you say to that? I tried to pull away, and he held my arm and said, "Sorry, I got distracted."

So he unzipped my dress and eased it down from my shoulders. I was trying to breathe steady. I could see us in the dresser mirror, moving like two apparitions of us, two people who looked good together, and I was usually hard on myself, but he made me look like a movie star, so I only watched their movements from the corner of my eye, because his face, he didn't hold back. I felt his lips on my shoulder and my knees wanted to fold, and I stiffened my legs and said, "You know I have to…."

"Sorry," he said, and he reached around me so I stood in the circle of his arms and he held the bra before me, and I slid my arms under the thin plain black straps, and he pulled them up my arms. He brought his hands forward and made sure my breasts lined up with the cups as he fitted the fabric over each one, brushing my nipples through the thin silky seams. Then he slid his warm hands around me, around my sides and I felt his knuckles and fingers working the three hooks and eyes in the back. Then he reached around to check that everything was in the right place, like testing the weight of each breast. And his hands moved down and splayed over my abdomen, around my ribs, and his thumbs met at my spine. "You're just a little thing," he said, "but you're so fuckin' voluptuous," then he growled, and wrapped his arms around me, and his body was pressed up against me, and he was kissing my ear and my neck, and my shoulder, and his hands were moving, one over my breasts, and one to my wet center which was hidden in my dress, which he gathered in his hand and went under to find what he was looking for, moving my panties aside as his fingers pressed into my private self and played my folds with such devotion that the loudest thing in my head was the sound of his hot breath, as I let him discover me, the loudest thing was an inward groaning that kept escaping into sounds I didn't know I was making, but sounds he seemed to understand and respond to.

We came that way, me on his three middle fingers, him against my back, yes on my dress. "I'm sorry," he said, pulling away, as I came down, and saw the two people in the mirror slowly parting.

"It doesn't matter, zip it up," I commanded. "Then get me a towel."

He moved slow. He left me unzipped as he went to the bathroom and grabbed a white hand towel. I loved his body, even as I knew, coldly and sanely, I had to get out of here.

He moved to me with the towel. My dress was still around my waist. I'd smoothed the bottom out so it hit me mid-thigh.

He wiped me back there, my back, and over the dress. I hadn't wanted him to waste what he was wiping away. I should have stayed sane enough to make sure it got inside me, but it was too much when he started his explorations. I shouldn't still be here. This last tryst was of no value. It made it worse now. Harder to leave. I had to stop letting him take control.

So as soon as he was done wiping me off, I stepped away and pulled my dress up without looking at him. I reached to zip it myself, but he stepped forward again to try and take over, and I pulled away and said, "I've got it." While I did that he pulled on his boxers.

When I was right I smoothed over my hair. "Well…." I headed for the door, but he was quick. His hand on my arm again.

"Hey, what's with you? Give me something. Are you married?"

"I told you no. Or maybe I am. So what? I have to go." He smoothed his hand down my arm and took my hand. We looked at the ringless finger and he looked back to me.

"I don't like rings. I have to go. You said you wouldn't try to stop me."

"It's dark and it's late. Wait for me." He was already searching for his jeans, they were quickly in his hand.

"No," I said. I hurried out then. I closed the door behind me and half ran down the hall. I hit the stairs as soon as I saw them. I ran all the way. I got to my car and hit the keypad. When it opened I folded the visor and my keys dropped onto my lap. He was out now, running toward me, his bare feet flashing, his shirt open. I couldn't believe it. What a liar.

He rapped once on my window. I put my keys in my ignition and he hurried to his car. I was pulling out of the lot when I saw him pulling out of his parking space. Bastard. He was going to follow me.

I hurried to the corner and ran a red light as I pulled into traffic on a left turn. An oncoming car screeched to a stop, and a cop pulled behind me from a parking lot. His red lights were flashing. Son of a bitch.

I pulled over. The cop pulled behind me, and Edward, who also turned left now that the light had changed, pulled behind him. Great.

All three of us stayed in our cars while the cop ran my plates. I pictured what Rose would do if she saw this. I had no one to blame but myself. I waited and chewed my lip.

The officer stepped out of his car and looked back at Edward. Edward rolled down his window and the officer had a discussion with him. I don't know what they said, but the officer then walked up to me. I had my window down. He told me what I'd done, and I said, "Sorry," weakly, and he wrote me a ticket.

Then he went back and spoke to Edward. I saw Edward nod eagerly as I waited for the cop to get back in his car and leave. Edward sat there then, staring at me, waiting for me to pull away. I put on my blinker and waited until the light held the traffic back, and I pulled into the road. What had the cop said to him? Did he know who I was now?

I hated him. I hated the determined look on his face as we pulled to a stoplight. I hated the way he wouldn't pass me no matter how slowly I drove, no matter how many others passed me, and laid on their horns while they did it. I pulled into a nearby parking lot, and he pulled beside me. I got out of my car and slammed the door. He had his door open, but I rushed up to it before he could get out. "What are you doing?" I said, really angry.

"I'm making sure you get home okay."

"What did that cop say to you?"

"He asked me who I was and I gave him my name, Edward Cullen by the way, and I told him we'd been on a date and I was following you home."

Edward Cullen. I didn't want to know that.

"Stop following me."

"I…," he dug his wallet out of his back pocket and got out two one hundred dollar bills.

"Are you kidding me?" I said.

"It's for the ticket," he said a little hysterical, as if I'd implied it was for the sex.

"I don't want your money. Good-bye," I said turning in fury to go back to my car. I yelled over my shoulder, "Stop following me or I'll drive up to the next cop we pass and tell him you're harassing me. It won't look good for you seeing as you don't even have your shoes on."

He stood now. "That's all that kept me in my car, back there, even though he told me to stay in my car, I wouldn't have. I would have tried to come to you, Miss Swan."

I stopped. The ground was swimming. I kept going then. I got in my car and took off. He didn't follow this time. He stared after me then slowly got in his vehicle. The last I saw as I pulled out of the lot, he was still sitting there. He didn't have to follow this time. He had my name.


	9. Chapter 9

Turkey Baster 9

** Readers, a note: A wise writing prof once said, "Readers read to worry." I promise I will try to keep you worried throughout my story. So if you don't like a lot of worry, or if this is too dark for your tastebuds, JUMP SHIP. Because I tend to write dark stuff. However, when the pendulum swings, I tend to write really hopeful stuff. And I'm a totally committed sucker for happy endings. So if you want that kind of a swing, by all means stay with me! Okay, warning over. And I love to hear from you.

He had my name. I stared at my phone. It was only a matter of time now. He was so determined. And every time a car pulled up outside our building, I ran to the window looking for a silver Volvo.

My hands were shaking. I couldn't believe the way the evening had begun compared to how it ended. I started with Seth, I ended with Edward.

No comparison. For the rest of my life, I had a feeling it would be that way. I didn't want to think like this, but from day one there was a reason I could do what I'd done so callously and unswervingly and it had much to do with him, the thing that happened between us from the day I first laid eyes on him. He had no idea how he had effected me. He'd let me re-enter…sex. Or really, he let me experience sex. His willingness to just serve me had allowed me an experience I don't think I could have had any other way. I couldn't be sorry for any of it. And I think that's what I'd been crying about. My only regret now was the slip up that allowed him my name.

I didn't have to go through with the decision to get pregnant, but Allie, my sister, my girl, my family, the one who had done everything for me. She'd protected me from Charlie. She saved me from him. From Renee, and their never-ending war. And we'd nearly lost her.

All she'd ever wanted was a family. Unlike me, she wanted kids. She pined for them. I owed her everything. I owed her my life. If I couldn't do this…yes, she could adopt, and someday they might, but I could give her, her very blood. It would practically be hers. I looked at it that way, even in potential. It wasn't mine, it was hers, growing in me, because I owed so much.

Alice could love it the way she had loved me, and we'd protect this one the way we were never protected. We'd raise her to be fierce and we'd make up for everything we suffered. I couldn't do it myself, I didn't have it in me, I was too messed up and unavailable, but Alice was perfect. Alice was a natural mother.

Why did I have to meet someone like Edward now? But he wasn't that great. I didn't know him. Who has sex with someone they don't even know? I could be psychotic. And unprotected sex? He hadn't even asked if I was on the pill, and of course I was not. He seemed desperate. Why would a guy like him be desperate? He didn't stack up. He was very damaged, and I had no interest in why or how, I didn't want all of that.

Rose picked Edward because he wasn't that great. She picked someone I wasn't supposed to want to care about because he was everything I didn't want. And yet…he'd been exactly what I needed.

Edward Cullen. I kicked off my shoes and reached behind to undo the dress. It was stiff in the back where he'd lost it on me. It's what I'd gone after him for, his sperm. We'd called him the Baster. We'd dehumanized him. I still wanted to. But I couldn't. I'd felt something at that hotel. I didn't want to define it.

In the morning, after a miserable night of very little sleep, I called Rose. She wasn't answering. Great. I called Alice, but I got Jasper. He told me Alice was still in bed. "She's not doing well," he said. "I took her to the doctor's yesterday and they gave her anti-depressants. You know how much she hates them."

"She needs to take them," I said, knowing this tired argument too well.

"Agreed. Are you coming over later? Waffles and all."

"I'm too tired to make breakfast. Tell her to call me when she wakes up. Tell her there's nothing noble in suffering depression."

I was trying to get a hold of my Saturday night date. Jerry was a guy I had met at a youth rally where I'd chaperoned a group of high school girls. He was one of the sponsors of a group of kids from his church. He was very nice. He had asked for my number, and I met him once for coffee and said maybe sometime we'd go out, but I didn't answer his three or so phone calls and he gave up.

Yeah, that's me. So I finally called him and he was shocked. I asked him if he was still available for a real date and he agreed. I had no good skills for these matters, what gave me confidence was knowing how fake it all was, so I had little to lose.

It was really embarrassing that I was trying like crazy to reach him to cancel on this second get together which was dinner and a movie. But I kept getting his answering machine, and it was too tacky to cancel that way so I ran over to see Alice, gave her a speech about taking her meds, then got home in time to try and make my exhausted self presentable.

The first heart-stopping text came at four-thirty, right after I got out of the shower.

"Bella Swan. As I live and breathe."

I recognized it from Harry Potter. I didn't know the number. But I kind of did. I didn't reply.

An hour later I got another.

"You make the next move."

I frantically called Rose. "Pick up, pick up…" I kept saying. Nothing.

I threw my phone on the bed, but another text dinged.

"Please."

I tried Rose again. Nothing.

Frustrating.

Who was Edward Cullen?

I went to my laptop and typed him in.

Oh. My. Pffffft.

I scanned one article after another. He'd been a major league baseball player. He'd been drafted out of high school into the minor leagues, spent three years playing in places like Toronto, climbed the minor league ranks, made it into the majors, was pitching for two years and was at the height of his career when he was hit in the eye with a ball and suffered retina damage that couldn't be fully repaired. His career was finished at twenty-three. He'd been known for his drive and determination on and off the field. Holy crud.

"Rose," I said aloud in the empty room.

I closed the lid to my computer.

My phone dinged again. I picked it up and looked. One word.

"Please."


	10. Chapter 10

Turkey Baster 10

Jerry wanted to go to a small Mexican restaurant near the theatre that only showed the really artsie movies most people didn't want to see. The food was authentic. My problem was, I not only felt so sick to my stomach I couldn't eat, but the thought of Mexican food on top of that nausea…there were no words.

As for the movie, a documentary about the social injustice in some part of the world I'd only heard of in geography class, well, people had endured much worse, take the people in the movie for instance, and not cracked, perhaps even been brave, so I would pray for grace, realizing, God owed me nothing.

But if Jerry shoved that buttered popcorn toward me one more time, I might not be responsible. And if he didn't stop chewing like a beaver….

He was such a nice person. And very, very tied to his mother. So when it didn't work out between us, and it wouldn't, wasn't, he'd still have dear old mom. Oh, and his dog Tawnie. Yes, with an 'ie.'

After the movie he wanted to go for ice cream and discuss the injustices the movie portrayed, but tempting as that sounded, my hands were trembling to feel my steering wheel beneath them.

"Jerry, I…," words just failed me.

"You don't have to say anything, Bella. We're not going out again, are we?"

I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans, "I'm sure you are…many times, you're such a nice guy, but just not…not you and me."

"Yeah, that's what I thought." I realized he was faking, too. I sensed relief in what he said. I swear, he was trying not to smile.

"At least it will keep your mom off of your back for a while."

His head snapped up. "How did you know?"

I laughed. "I didn't. But I do now."

He laughed too, but flushed a deep red. "She…thinks I should be married by now."

"Yeah. Mom's are great." Not that I knew by experience.

His step was light as we parted ways, him to his Prius, me to my Elantra.

I was relieved it was over. The whole time I'd been thinking about Edward Cullen and what would happen now. And where was Rose? This was the longest we'd gone without talking in a long time. I needed her.

When I got home and dragged into my building, I was brought up short by a package in front of my door. I put my hand on the wall and drew closer and closer to the fancy box. I looked around, but except for me, the hall was empty. I nudged it with my foot. It didn't seem heavy, and I didn't think it was ticking, or holding a puppy.

I wasn't going to take it inside, so I squatted before it, and tapped it again. Nothing. I smoothed my hand over the rough thick purple paper that covered the box. It was pretty, but the uncertainty kept it from being appealing.

Should I open this? I knew who it was probably from. My world of real friends was very small, and none of them were given to leaving expensive looking boxes outside of my door. If it was him…was it him? I ripped the top off. Inside, in purple tissue paper, sitting side by side and sprinkled with fresh white rose petals…Alice's shoes.

He'd been here.


	11. Chapter 11

Turkey Baster 11

That Sunday afternoon, after church, after I'd played piano like I did three Sundays out of every month, I walked up to the desk in the hotel lobby where Edward and I had our fling on Friday. "Hi," I said to the impeccably groomed young woman in the black suit. "I am hoping you can help me." I told her my boyfriend, Edward Cullen, had left his boots here last Friday evening in room 321. "He may have come back for them…he didn't tell me."

She said one moment, and she called housekeeping. I tapped my fingers on the desk while I waited.

I hadn't heard from him since the shoes left at my door the night before-since the note in the purple box with the black shoes that belonged to my sister. The thick, white piece of stationary which sat beneath the shoes had strong black writing on its face which read, "I had this delivered so don't freak out. I meant what I said, next move is yours. It was hard to give these up. But I want to see them again with you in them. It's only been one day, but I'm tired of trying to stay away from you. Please." Edward Cullen.

He couldn't just keep saying these kinds of things to me. I was human, afterall. He was doing to my emotions what he'd done to my body—relentlessly penetrating me. I was on the brink of coming apart.

I jumped a little when the boots were set on the counter before me. They were worn into the shape of his feet and legs. They looked masculine and sexy even when he wasn't wearing them.

"Great," I said taking them and walking with purpose to my car.

I was still in my church clothes, a long silky skirt and white sleeveless blouse. I wore sandals. My hair was in a braid over my shoulder. I had dangly earrings on. I looked in the rearview and my eyes were bright. I looked like I was up to something and it made me laugh a little, but very little. I'd set his boots on the seat next to me, and I kept looking at them while I drove to the bar.

It was closed. It wouldn't open until four. I looked at my cell and it was 1:30. Then I noticed two cars parked in the far corner, closest to the building. One was a silver Volvo. Why was he here if the place was closed? Didn't he have a home?

Now I was torn. What was I doing?

I was ending this. He gave me my shoes. I'd give him his boots…and give him THE boot. It had to end. I couldn't have him keep trying to contact me. I couldn't live under that kind of pressure. Because if, by chance, I was already pregnant, he could not be around.

I admit I had a soft spot growing for him. I admit I was attracted to him. I admit what I'd said already. He had possibly saved me and ruined me at the same time. But it had to end now. If I wasn't pregnant, I'd have to start over with someone else, and I couldn't think of doing that right now, or ever. But it couldn't be Edward Cullen. For several reasons I didn't want to worry about.

I took the boots and walked to the door of the club. It opened. I stepped in. At first I thought it was empty. Then my eyes adjusted and I saw Edward and a blond woman standing behind the bar. They turned right away and looked at me.

"We're closed," she snapped. "You apply through the website."

They'd been measuring something as she held a tape measure and he held the other end. He must have let go of his end because I heard it snake furiously toward her and snap into place. She let go of the thing and squealed, then stuck her wounded thumb in her mouth and glared at him. He didn't even notice, as he stared at me while I walked up to the bar. Then eyes went to the boots that I set on its scarred wooden top.

She was looking at him like, 'what the heck?'

He seemed to remember her then. "Oh, I'm sorry Tanya," he meant about her thumb. But he was coming around the bar to me. "This is Bella…."

"You caught me by surprise," he said, his hand going to my arm as he pulled me toward the door. "Thanks for my boots," he said, looking back at Tanya briefly, then to me. His eyes, yeah I saw panic.

"Yeah," I looked at her too. "They…." I had no idea who 'they' were, "…asked me to bring them to you, so…it was on my way…," and I added pathetically, "…from church. I…just got out." I smiled at her, and she was still glaring.

I pulled away then, walked ahead and turned at the door. He wasn't following. "So…," I laughed, or something, waved this stiff stupid wave, "…see ya."

I got outside and made that same screaming sound in my throat that I'd made before when leaving this place. I walked so swiftly, my sandals making a soft rapid sound all the way to my car.

"Bella!" he called my name. It hit me, the sound of it, his desperate voice.

I punched in my code and wrenched the door open, but he was there, he'd run. His hand was on me. "Bella," he said more softly.

"Edward it's over. You won't see me anymore. Don't call me. Don't text me. Do not, do not leave me presents. Nothing. It's over."

"She's not my girlfriend…she was. But…."

"I don't care. That has nothing to do with me. She's not my business. You're not my business. Get your hand off of my arm."

"Bella, Bella," instead of letting go, he stepped closer. "Baby don't do this. Don't be like this. Give me a chance—us a chance." His face was so close, his whole body close.

"I don't want you."

"You don't want me?"

"Now leave me alone."

He was finally listening, staring at me, his eyes so impossible to look into for long, his mouth, open, ready to protest, but silent now, his hands leaving me.

I sat heavily in the car and fumbled to shove my key in the ignition. "Stand back," I said harshly, and he moved a little and I slammed my door. I told myself to get a grip as I backed out, trying not to drive like a fool. I saw her by the door. I heard her call him, "Edward," she said. But I didn't look back. I didn't look.


	12. Chapter 12

Turkey Baster 12

"Rose open the door. I know you're in there, I saw your car!" I yelled in front of her apartment's door. She had one of two second floor flats in her vintage brick building. I was just getting ready to turn around and slide down her door to sit on the her doormat in despair, when she yanked it open a crack and looked at me like I was selling vacuum cleaners.

We stared at each other. She was wearing her short silky robe, the one with the paisley design in blue and orange. Her sash wasn't tied, but she was gripping it closed over her big boobs. Her hair was a mess. She had a guy in there.

But her angry look was quickly getting replaced by a look of concern. "What's the matter?"

I shook my head. "You're…not alone?"

She shook her head. "Go around the corner," that meant to the coffee shop we loved to frequent, "and I'll meet you in a minute," she said.

"Forget it," I said sniffing. I knew I looked like hell.

"Bella," she commanded before I could reach the first stair. "Get your ass straight to our booth. Don't mess with me, now."

If I was thinking more clearly I would have ignored the attitude and done what I wanted, but I didn't have it in me to argue, and I needed her. But I hated to pull her away from whatever she had going on. I hadn't seen her look like that…since Royce.

I went in the shop, my stomach upset, my head starting to pound. I got in line out of habit, and was actually surprised when the girl asked me what I wanted. That's what pulled me into the moment. I gave my order, hot chai, and pointed to the booth which was just getting unoccupied and the girl nodded that she'd bring it to me.

I wended through the tables and sunk into the corner booth, my back to the door because strategy was beyond me. And I don't know how long I'd been there, thinking about how Edward had a girlfriend and I'd been cheating a cheater, but why did it matter, why, but it did, it was wrong, all wrong, when he sat down in the other side of the booth. Edward.

"What are you doing here?" me. And I nearly shrieked.

"Looking for you. Em told me you were here." His eyes, oh lord his eyes. When they were stormy like this….

"How…how did…?"

Edward reached across the table and took my hand, but I pulled it back and put my hands in my lap. "Sorry. I always want to touch you," he said.

"Don't…."

"I won't. Just listen. I want a shot with you. I know you said you don't want me…but I don't believe that. That's not what…we want each other. Like right now? It's all I can do not to come around the table. Or over it. I want to hold you. You look so…hurt. And I think I did that. You saw me with Tanya. You were making a move toward me. I was waiting for it. Everything else in my life was filler until you walked in my bar."

"Your bar?"

"Yeah. That's what I do. I'm a developer." He leaned forward elbows on the table.

Now I knew his name and I knew what he did, what he'd done, that he had a girlfriend. That he wanted me.

I wanted to tell him we wouldn't be developing, but I felt so worn out and used up I just stared at him, his beauty in this sunshiny place, the red in his hair, the strength in his neck, his jaw, shoulders, arms, hands. Hands. I wanted to hear him out. I think I did. I stared at his lips. I closed my eyes. I did want him.

"You feel it too," he said.

I opened my eyes and clenched my teeth. Mind reading was going too far. "I was waiting for Rose."

"I know."

"How do you know? Emmett?"

He nodded. He looked a little sheepish. His hand reached toward my face, but he pulled it back.

I stared at the table. "He's your friend. Emmett?" I looked at him. His chin, the scruff of his beard that I'd felt on my face…my body.

"Like a brother."

Holy Crow. Way to go Rose. You send me the life long buddy of your hook up?

"I…thought you were from out of town."

"I am. I've been looking at property here. I'm getting ready to move here."

I stare at him. He is moving here. He is moving here? No. I want to ask about Tanya but I have no right.

"Where's your girlfriend? How did you get away to chase me down?"

We stare at one another. I know my brow is up. This will be my ace. I hope it will be. I need to have a way to escape him. His pull. I do want him. I will always want him.

"There's just you."

"Oh. Did she evaporate?"

He smiled and rubbed over his mouth. "I'm not going to lie. There's been other women. I've had lots of…access. I've probably thought I was in love a time or two. But you came out of nowhere…and now it's different."

"It's not different," I assured him. "You and I…it's not different. It's not anything."

He breathed in and his whole body moved in agitation. "Why do you keep insisting that we're nothing?"

"We are nothing. You just learned my name."

"Why did you pick me?" he asked. "That first night…you picked me."

"You're not going to tell me that was the first time a girl picked you."

"This was different. You were different. It's like it was a dare…or a bet. Did Rose put you up to it? Why not just introduce us, set us up? Or was that a set up?"

I had to go. I was trying not to panic. He was going for it, wanting to know. I wasn't in any trouble yet. Just deny, deny, be cool.

"It was coincidence." Lie.

"Did you know who I am? Was that it?"

"No. I didn't know you at all." Lie.

"Do you do that? I don't get the feeling you pick up guys. You seemed so…don't get me wrong…I loved it…but like you were a little girl trying to be all…not a little girl…a woman…but…."

"Stop. Stop." I tried to scoot out of the booth, but he was scooting right along with me.

"Don't go, Bella. Please. You gotta give me some answers." His hand reaching, but not touching, but open, on the table, toward me, empty.

He said it so desperately, I eased into the seat, though I stayed on the edge. When I relaxed, he did. He pulled back his hand.

"I…I was looking for fun. No, I didn't know who you were…not like you think. I just…it was all…I felt like you'd go for it. You were kind of a blank slate really. That's all I wanted…what we did. Never did it before…but I came in that bar to do it." Me.

"What changed? Why?"

I shook my head. Too many questions. Too many lies.

"You want something," I said, "and I don't."

"What do you want? Do you want to continue like we have been? I'll take it. If that's how it is…I'll take it." He is so earnest. I remember the tenacity they'd written about concerning him. I was always remembering it. On and off the field.

"It…wouldn't work. It's already falling apart. You'd want more…I don't."

"Are you being honest?" he asked, too sensitive to me, too plugged in. I had to get away.

I knew there couldn't be more, so, "Yes. It has to end. I want it to. Don't make me be cruel. Stop being so…demanding." I'm at my wits end now. And I'm angry. "You have a girlfriend. I'm not getting into all of it. I don't want it."

"You know who I am, right? I wasn't expecting you. I was just…."

"Don't say anything that's going to disrespect her."

"I'm not going to. She's a great girl."

I didn't want to hear that either.

"But…she flew up here. It's over…but she wanted to…."

"Stop. I don't want to talk about it. I'll see you." I stood then, but so did he. He walked behind me. We got out of the shop, and he moved up next to me. My strides were long and quick, but he kept up so easily, his hands in his pockets.

"What if we just met again for coffee? Give me something."

"Nope."

"Our best friends are dating. We're bound to see each other."

I stopped then. "She's breaking up with him."

"She had to be the link. It's too much coincidence that we just met. You knew who I was," he said, "it's okay, it used to happen all the time. Still does. Why can't you just admit it?" He was more angry now that it was close to the end.

I looked down. What if I gave him this? What if I just admitted it? But then, I didn't have to give him anything. It was easier if I didn't.

"I didn't know who you were. I had no idea. You were just a guy, in a bar, just a guy." I looked defiantly at him.

He stepped close to me. "Are you going to tell me I'll be easy to forget? I didn't make an impression somewhere in that infuriating brain of yours?" His hands were on my arms, his lips so close. "Then kiss me good-bye. One kiss. After all my begging you can do that? Like money for a homeless man. Ten lousy cents…one kiss," and his lips were on me, and I closed my eyes and said, resist. Resist. Even as I let him do it, even as I felt how soft and sweet, and the tips of my breasts grazed his shirt, then his chest, and his arms moved around my back, and his hands…his hands. He lifted his face then, his eyes on me, breathing together. I didn't know what to say to him, but my hand reached up and I almost touched his mouth.

"I have to go," I said dropping my hand.

"Stay with me," he said.

If I did, I'd never leave him. It was way too complicated now. Not only in facts, in truths and lies, but in feelings. Regardless of what I did, what the future held, I had to get away. Right now, I was spent.

"Good-bye. Edward."

"You say it with such finality," he whispered. "You're always running away from me. Just spend some time with me. Walk with me. Let's go to the beach and walk around. Let's end it with civility at least. For our friends. For our future."

"Tanya is waiting for you."

He bit his bottom lip.

"You left her hanging didn't you?"

"She just showed up."

"Like you did…with me."

"Like you did at my bar. You just showed up. That's what you said…no plan."

I held his gaze. "Yes," I finally said. "You better go to her."

"Don't tell me to go to another woman."


	13. Chapter 13

Turkey Baster 13

I was tired of fighting him. I felt so alone. We walked beside one another along the path that ran parallel to the beach. There was a breeze and it whipped my skirt about, and loose strands of hair around my face. We were both running from our lives. Him from Tanya and who knew what else, me from him and I knew what else.

We didn't say anything. This was a bad idea, but I ceased caring so much. For just a little while I would walk with him. Alice had Jasper, Rose had Emmett, and I was so alone.

Edward wore sunglasses and so did I so that took some of pressure off. I didn't have to see his burning looks. And he didn't have to see mine.

"You like the water?" he asked finally.

I shrugged. "I don't have to be in it to appreciate it."

"Really? Just looking is okay?"

I shrugged again. We walked up to a railing facing the water. He leaned there, and so did I.

"I didn't thank you for bringing me my boots."

I said nothing.

"What were you going to say when you brought them?" He turned from the water and leaned his back and elbows on the bar.

"I was…going to say…you brought me my shoes…I brought you yours. The end." I threw my braid over my shoulder and felt its weight hit my back. "Did the cop give you my name? I mean…I guess he did."

He smiled at me and continued to look over the water. I lifted my skirt a little and put my foot on the bottom rung of the railing.

"How did you get my cell?" Me.

He just smiled again, pulled his dark glasses down a little and smiled at me.

I looked away really pretty mad, but no big deal. I wasn't going to answer any of his questions either.

"I Googled you," I said. "Last night. The box did freak me out."

He laughed. "Sorry. Kind of. I know I'm supposed to be anyway. So what did you find out?" He turned around again and leaned next to me, I noticed he was closer.

"You played baseball."

"Yeah. That's the thing about me, right? And yeah, I can see. Just not well enough to play."

"I'm not into sports…so…."

"What are you into?" He nudged my shoulder with his.

When I didn't answer he leaned closer, "Cute little freckles you've got going on there." He bopped my nose with his index finger. I reared my head back and smirked at him.

He went back to looking at the water, at the girls strutting past more likely, and he had this satisfied smile on his lips. "Is Rose really going to break up with Emmett?"

Whoa. I did say that. I shouldn't have. "What does Emmett say?"

"What does Rose say? She says she's going to break up with him, doesn't she."

"I don't know."

"You said so."

"At first…but now it seems different." Surely she would break with him. If she didn't, Edward would have an in-road to my life, and maybe even Alice's. That couldn't happen. They were friends. But the look on her face at her apartment. I knew that look from her days with Royce. Why was I just now processing what it might mean?

I rolled the palms of my hands over the bar. The movement drew his attention so I stopped and leaned on my elbows again and clasped my hands.

"Have you met Emmett?" he asked.

"Have you met Rose?"

"Seen pictures. I haven't been in town more than a month."

"You're buying that bar?"

"I bought it."

"What will you do with it?"

"Refurbish it. Bring out the old city stuff people like. Update it. I have people who do that part."

"Do you just buy old bars?"

"No. I'm diversified. I won't keep it. I'll get it there then I'll sell it. Though now it has a lot of sentimental value."

"For you and Tanya?" I asked.

He sighed. "Bella," he said softly.

A gull flew low and chattered at us, then swooped up. We watched it for a few seconds.

"What do you do?" Him.

He knew. He knew what I did.

I shrugged.

"Let's walk," he said.

"Not much longer. I have to go," I warned.

"C'mon, Miss Swan," he took my arm. There was no such thing as a casual touch between us. When he touched me, all I knew was that point of connection. It took over. I had to be reminded to think of other things like where my feet were. Where we were. All the people on the earth, billions, and Edward Cullen and I had collided.

"You like working at that big firm?"

I sneaked a look at him and huffed. "It's okay. Pays the bills."

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't do something I didn't love."

"How romantic," I said in a monotone. 

He laughed. "Oh snarky. I am a romantic. An idealist."

"Hope is over-rated," I said.

He laughed. "A cynic?"

"A realist."

"Ahh. I love me a good realist."

I looked at his eyes sparkling over his glasses, under his brows. He was too much.

"What happened to make you jaded?" Him.

"Nothing, I don't have a big dark secret."

"Good to know."

"Since when is being a realist the same as being jaded?"

"I don't know. Maybe I prefer to think you reject me for a prejudice and not something truly objectionable."

"Look at it this way, Cullen. We started at the high-point, the sex, and I've rejected you without going through all the miserable steps. I'm not jaded, I'm not being a realist, I'm just efficient."

"Ahh. This is an accountant's move?"

"Exactly." Yeah, he knew. Emmett. Rose. I couldn't think about it now.

We'd stopped walking. We faced one another. My stomach grumbled.

"Then how efficient is it to not eat?" He took off his glasses and cocked his head. The sunlight danced on his skin and he had no flaws.

"I have a date at six," I said, not able to believe it myself, but I'd been relentlessly knocking off the fake relationships just as Rose said I must.

Rose. It hurt to think about her, to feel the sting of betrayal.

He looked at his cell. "We still have a couple of hours," he said, grumpy. He took my hand then, and hurried us toward the public building that housed a sandwich shop.

We didn't talk until we were in line. "What's the date? You have a boyfriend, or is this some one time thing or what?"

"Not serious…like Tanya. But…he's a nice guy. I can't foretell the future."

"How come you can go out with him, and not me? Have you slept with him, too?"

His grip on my hand tightened. "Sorry."

I stared ahead. "I thought I'd try it differently with him. I thought we'd go through the steps."

"What are the fucking steps? Excuse me." He shifted, but he kept my hand.

"You're squeezing there."

He lightened his grip. "Sorry."

"The steps…attraction. Um, acceptance. Arguments. Commitment. Harmony. They say you don't reach harmony without a lot of work."

"How do you know this?"

"My friend Angela. She counsels."

"So have you dated him before?"

"No. First date. I've known him a while."

"So you're what…attracted?"

"Um, trying to be, I guess."

"What do you mean trying to be? You are or you aren't. You don't like this guy."

"I do like him."

He pulled us out of line and through the crowd, out the door. He walked around the building, the side toward the water, and leaned against the bricks and pulled me to him. I had my arms folded underneath me. His arms were around me. "Stop playing games," he growled at me. "What are you trying to do to me?"

"I'm not playing games. Not with you. Not any more."

"I've lost a lot in my life. I've lost things. I don't want to lose anymore. I don't want you to go out with him. And don't bring up Tanya. It's over between us."

"I made this date…it's too late to cancel. I never promised you anything."

"Get rid of him. He doesn't matter. There's just us. Just you and me. You know it. I know it."

We looked at one another. He wasn't wearing his glasses, they were handing in the v-collar of his shirt. I was leaning on them. In the shop I'd lifted mine and stuck them in my hair. So we looked at one another. I had no one. But here he was. He was the most persistent man. How could I trust it?

"I'm crazy about you," he said, his voice low. "Give in to me."

I kept looking at him, trying to find a reason to resist him. "I…I think about you," I said.

I could feel the hope rocket through him. His arms tightened. "I want you too. I'm trying real hard to be unforgettable."

"You are trying hard."

"It wasn't this difficult to work my way out of the minors."

I smiled a little. "You only think you know me."

"I don't think I know you at all. I just want you. Baby I want you." He kissed me then, and I let him. It felt so good to let him. It was a gentle kiss that was quickly heating up, not a Sunday afternoon kiss where families were nearby.

"Walk me back to my car," I said. He came next to me, and his arm slid around my waist.

"Are you leaving so you can meet him?" he asked.

"No. I…didn't really want to go. But…it's late to cancel. I want to."

"Then do. Don't go."

"What about Tanya?"

He blew out. "She's not staying with me. She's at a motel. She was upset when I left her. She was upset when you showed up. I didn't make excuses. I told her I had to go after you, and I wasn't doing it to hurt her. And I left. I expect her to go home. We broke it off…three times over two years. We broke up a couple of weeks before I came here, but she didn't believe it. She thought once I got here I'd regret it. I've broken with her before. I moved because I'd put off moving for her. I think I loved her at first…thought I did, but we had problems…I couldn't change to suit her so I quit changing, and she quit expecting me to, and she hung on, and I just grew so cold. I treated her so indifferently sometimes. The last six months I was so miserable. I'd never go back to something like that."

We walked in silence. He had me pulled so close. I had my arms crossed. People looked at us, especially at him. Women, he attracted. But men looked too. At us.

"I'm not going to have sex with you again, Edward. It wouldn't be right. You need to go face Tanya. I need to call David. And I need to think. And you need to let me think."


	14. Chapter 14

Turkey Baster 14

I had parted only thirty minutes earlier with Edward. He wasn't happy about it, but letting me go was his first step in, "letting me think." His parting words, "don't think too long, Swan." Another bop on my nose, a kiss on my lips, a sigh, the closing of my car door. No chasing this time. An attempt at a compromise.

I barely made it home before I left again to meet David. He was an old friend from college. I was so tired and so unenthused about getting together with him. I knew I'd be dead for work the next morning, but I could only blame myself for this mess.

I could feel Edward. It's like my senses had absorbed him to the point where I wore him inside and outside like a dress. Rose, a wound in my heart. I still hadn't spoken with her, nor had she attempted to reach me. And oddly, not speaking to her was a boon to my feelings for Edward. Not speaking to Alice was a boon. If there were only Edward and myself…it wasn't that complicated…unless I had complicated it through duplicity.

So David and I met at a live production in the arts building at the local college. It was student work, and most of it was enjoyable, but in truth I was in a bubble of my own thoughts. If I were to try and get to know Edward as a person, and not a…baster…then how did I slow it down? I couldn't do it by myself. I'd never had a real relationship before. I wouldn't want it to be just sex, red hot as things were between us…I knew what Angela would say, I had to get to know him. Here was the problem—I didn't hop into bed with people. I'd created a false me for my mission with Edward. How did I step out of that now and become…whoever I really was? We'd have to work our way to sex, and how, when our whole relationship was based on it—when I wanted him right now?

Poor David. I as so glad for the play. At least he'd gotten something out of the night besides my preoccupation with myself. We said goodnight after a quick cup of coffee in the student union and he promised to keep in touch. I almost agreed, buy lying was coming so naturally to me, I tried to make a conscious effort to just let it be.

I drove straight home. Edward did not text, but the feeling of being wrapped in him remained.

It remained as I walked into Bunyard and Creig the next morning. Our accounting firm was large. I heard Edward's voice, "I couldn't do what I didn't love." But I tried to shrug it off. We couldn't all be major league players.

And he'd lost that. And I wanted to know about it. I wanted to know what he went through and how he thought, and how he'd struggled and overcome…or had he? He said he'd lost a lot. What? More than his career? Who were his parents? How did he grow up? Beliefs? First date? Many women? He'd had access. What did that mean? More about the deal with Tanya. What kind of properties did he buy? Moving here? Seriously? Favorite color. Favorite food. Childhood diseases? Social Security number!

"Bella," Mike stuck his face over the cubicle's fake wall. I'd forbid him to do that as it was creepy and weird and kept me on edge that he could pop up at any moment, which he did before I confronted him. Fifty times.

"What?" It wasn't said patiently.

I heard him mutter, "not the green skirt," before he disappeared and showed up in the gap in my partition that served as a doorway. I remembered how the last time I'd worn it he went by my door with a little sign, "Your green skirt makes me happy."

It was my fault. One minute I was snapping at him, and the next I was laughing, because killing him…I couldn't do prison.

The day was ponderous in that I didn't want to pay attention to details. And I felt this weird and growing restlessness, as if the wound in my heart was spreading, and growing and trying to tap its way out of my body.

I was loading expenses from a local auto body shop when I saw it. Wait a minute. Emmett McCarty's Custom Auto Refinishing. Rose's Emmett? It was an unusual name, Emmett. And he did something that included cars. Hadn't she told me that? Or had she said he drove a car? I couldn't remember. She dated a lot, but then she got stuck on him. This had to be him.

"Okay, Mr. Emmett McCarty," I said as I scanned his expenditures. McCarty liked to eat out. He favored one restaurant in particular for lunch…oh on Mondays, pretty consistently, Bella Italia. Bella? Small world. Was it a sign? Of what? I had to laugh at my practical self. This McCarty had taken my best friend. She had betrayed me to him. "What a little bitch," I whispered, meaning Emmett, but allowing the umbrella of my disdain to include my blonde…whatever. My best friend…and Edward's best friend. "Way to go Rose," I said all snarky.

I found the restaurant's location on my phone. I could get there in…time, yes, but I couldn't go over twenty minutes once I was in. And what did I hope to accomplish once I was in? His reaction to me. Did he know me at all? On sight? I just wondered. Well, my picture was all over Rose's apartment and I knew he was spending plenty of time there.

He was leaking my information to Edward. Was he acting in tandem with Rose, or on his own? No, they were in it together. Didn't I say I was a realist? She was avoiding me because she was a demon. She told me to go to the coffee shop. Edward appears, Edward confirms, "Em told me." That said it all.

Had they planned the whole thing…from day one? No. It was my idea. But oh…Rose had lit up. The ice queen is seeking the thaw of fornication. Yes, that's what she would have seen it as. I went from…men, blah, to-get me a man, now. That was Titanic sized news in our little world. Well, my little world that they were occasionally in.

But then she sent me the picture. She made it sound like he was the perfect candidate. Coming from out of town. Only here on business. All of her supposed detective work. She never worked that hard—had I forgotten that? She had found out about Edward through Emmett. What did that mean, Emmett had just happened to leave a copy of Edward's biography on his coffee table and she'd read it? What am I, in second grade?

What had Rose said, think, think. She'd said she'd heard Emmett telling someone about a friend who hung out at this bar…she got the picture off of Facebook…there was a discussion about how very OCD he was. She'd said he was perfect…a real man-whore, but smart about business…she looked him up at work in the system and he was healthy and clean. She knew he'd be there that evening, I don't remember how or why, but she'd been precise and exact…and she was breaking up with Em, he was too loud, too everything…she was always breaking up with Em…for months.

I pictured Emmett McCarty, I could see him now, posing like Thor with his muscles all bulging disgustingly, smug, superior, a back-stabbing betrayer. I could imagine Emmett and Rose laughing together! They'd laughed at me going in that bar…. Oh my lord, she wanted me pregnant. I could see it all now. She wanted me pregnant and married to Edward. She was helping me out.

My god, my god. Alice was in on it. That's why she hadn't been calling me. She knew it, too. They'd conspired. Jasper. Jasper? He'd recently had his car refurbished. The Aston Martin. Oh my god, my chest, it ached, it ached. I was having a heart attack.

But then I burped.

I wanted to get a look at this ASSHOLE Emmett McCarty. This is the one that my best friend and sister betrayed me for. Jasper…you fought for me. You are the last one I would have suspected.

Alice had seen it. Oh, that's it. She got a vision. She was always looking for him. She wouldn't rest until I was hitched. She kept telling me how frail she was. The cancer, she'd used the cancer to try and manipulate me….

They were all laughing. I had no family. I had no friends.

At eleven thirty, I raced down to the parking lot. Bella Italia here I come.

I had a flat tire. "No, no," I was saying. I looked up at the sky. "Not funny," I yelled.

I quickly called back in the office, "Mike…did you drive in today?"

"Bella?"

I sighed. "Yes. Where are you?"

"I'm just leaving the little boy's room and getting ready to go upstairs to lunch."

I made a scream-like noise because he wasn't allowed to call it the little boys' room, and he was trying to apologize, so I yelled into the phone, "Forget that. I want you to…go to lunch with me," I wasn't Catholic, but I made the sign of the cross anyway and I tried to modulate my voice and calm down. " So you've got your car?"

He missed a beat. "Ahhh, yeah! Where are you? I'll…where are you?"

Before I could answer he said, "I'm going to lunch with the green skirt!"

"Mike," I said sharply, "listen to me…I'm in the parking lot. In A. Get down here as quickly as you can!"

I clicked off and waited.


	15. Chapter 15

Turkey Baster 15

Mike drove us to Bella Italia. We really had no time to do this now as ten precious minutes had been eaten up while I had to wait for him in the parking lot.

I back-seat drove all the way there, even though I sat beside him in the front of his

Acura. He was patient with me in spite of it. Once we'd parked and hurried into the restaurant, we were laughing at our frantic run from lot to lobby.

Lunch rush was on, but we were a bit behind it so people were leaving and we were seated right away. I had just slid into my side of the booth when I saw Edward, his back to me, facing a large, youngish man. The man saw me first, and said something to Edward. Then he turned and his eyes burned into me with recognition. As much as I always reacted viscerally whenever I saw him, I didn't want to see him here, like this. It's like we were each on a path determined to intersect.

He was out of his chair at once, and headed toward me, lots of energy in his graceful walk. I could see my name on his lips, those lips, as he crossed the dining room. I slid over without even thinking about it, and he flashed a look toward Mike, who was busy looking at a menu and telling me we could make it if we got salads to go. Then Edward looked back to me, his leg crashing against mine and staying there. He took my hand, too, and gripped it with both of his. "I don't believe it," he said in that incredulous tone he'd used on me before. 

His shirt matched my skirt. He was looking me over. Mike spoke then and shook us out of it, "Are you…" he swallowed, "…are you, like, Edward Cullen?"

Edward reached across the table and shook Mike's hand. "Pleased to meet you. You are?"

"Mike. I…." He limply pointed at me.

"Yeah…," Edward said, sitting up straight and pulling my hand onto his lap.

"You're?" Mike pointed at Edward, then myself.

"Oh…well," I said while Edward said, "Yeah."

Mike nodded, a bit confused. "Shit," he said softly.

Edward kept staring at him until Mike said, "I…should I wait in the car?" He looked from Edward to me, but mostly at Edward.

"Did you drive her?" Edward asked, and when Mike did a fish mouth Edward asked me, "Did he drive you here?"

I nodded, "Yes."

""Yeah…Mike? I've got this. I'll take Bella back to…work?" Edward looked at me, seeking permission.

"Yes," I said, "we're on lunch break." I smiled at Mike and shrugged.

Edward spoke again to my co-worker, "Thanks a lot." Another handshake while Mike nodded.

Mike stood then, still nodding.

"I'll…see you back there," I said. "And thanks, Mike."

He was still nodding when he whispered, "Shit," and ambled off.

"The moment I'm with you…I'm breaking all the rules," I said.

"Is that your friend?" he asked smirking. "He seems like a nice guy."

"He…he can be." I looked over at Emmett who gave me a big smile. I didn't smile back, but bit my lip. He was just Rose's type. But better. I pictured her face two days ago at her door as she gripped that flimsy robe closed. She was in love.

"That's Emmett," I said.

Edward seemed to remember Emmett then. "Oh, yeah. Would you like to meet him?"

"How do you know I haven't? Oh yeah, you discuss me all of the time, don't you?"

Edward smiled. "I admit you're my favorite topic." His hand moved mine to my lap, and he scratched around on my leg. "I like this," he whispered, meaning the skirt. "And this," he whispered again, touching the shoulder of my black sleeveless top.

The waitress came then. Edward took my hand again. She was smiling at me, but her eyes were sad. I ordered two salads to go. I figured I owed Mike a lunch, at least. I told her we'd be moving, but Edward said, "Nah. Em can come over here." Edward waved to him then. He was just finishing up, said something to his waitress then started to walk over. Very handsome, McCarty. Big grin. Confident. Well dressed. Fit. As. A. Fiddle.

Before he reached our table Edward said low, "How'd the date go? Last night?"

"Oh. I…was a dud. Preoccupied."

He took a breath. "Seeing him again?" His eyes…so clear and…feelings stirred in me…not just sexual…but something.

"No."

He didn't smile, he just looked at me. "Anyone else I should know about?" So serious.

"No one else." Also serious.

McCarty's arrival broke our attentive chain.

Edward cleared his throat and made the introductions.

McCarty was a charmer. I could already see how he balanced out Rose.

The waitress brought my order in a white bag. I tried to stop Edward, but he handed her money.

"Well…we need to be going," I said. "I have to get back." I smiled at McCarty but it was tight lipped.

Edward's cell phone rang then. It was a generic ring. "Hey," he said, moving out of the booth and standing. He extended a hand to me, which I took as I scooted over and stood. He smiled at me as he spoke, but the smile quickly disappeared. "Now?" He let go of my hand and walked away, and I could hear the agitation even if I couldn't make out the words.

McCarty had also stood. I had him to myself for maybe seconds. I wasn't good at confrontation, so I kind of plunged in. "You and Rose…did you…were you two in this from the beginning…my meeting Edward?" I'm nodding, hoping Emmett will just take over, start confessing how he and Rose have been in this together from the get-go. I'm wondering if he knows about my plan to get pregnant. That's the thing. Does he know?

But he keeps smiling, with dimples, no less. He's either really polite or he doesn't want to divulge anything. His brows are raised like he's waiting for me to reveal something.

Emmett shot a look at Edward, but Edward was speaking rapidly into his phone. "Have you spoken with Rose? Cause you girls are tight, and I wouldn't want to…."

"I will speak with Rose when she decides to quit hiding behind you."

He had one of those animated faces. He pulled in his chin and pursed his lips, brows raised. "I know she loves you…and as far as you and Edward are concerned, I don't think anyone saw this happening like it has." He was smooth. A good businessman.

"You admit you two…planned this?"

Guilt was all over his features as he looked to Edward, saw he was still busy. He blew out his cheeks and laughed. "Not conspired…that's like…Enron or something. Bella, point is you've met," he said.

I turned from Emmett and studied Edward, who had slowly made his way to the lobby where he was still on his phone and pulling his hair. My words came back to me, something I had thought about Edward…he was just a delivery system. That's what I had tried to believe. He was so warm and beautiful and alive, and I had cheapened him to…. And that's what Emmett was basically telling me now about this…arrangement that brought us together…this conspiracy. It was just a delivery system, and I shouldn't mind. But I did. I was hurt. Because my circle was small. They were all very clear with me. They made me feel safe. We kept it honest. Didn't we?

We had walked to where Edward was. He clicked off his phone. "I'm so sorry, Bella. That was Murphy," he addressed Emmett now. "The inspector is there. We talked on the phone, but if you could go over…I'll take Bella and I'll meet you."

"I can get a cab," I said, but Edward insisted he take me.

We walked to the lot and he was telling me this was pretty much standard once the inspectors got in the building they would start hitting him with everything that needed fixed. There was a question about a permit.

"Sorry," he said. "I don't want to do this…talk shop. I hate when guys can't turn it off."

"This is a work day," I said. "It's not a date….don't worry about it." I was leaning against his car waiting for him to open my door.

"Speaking of dates," he said, cracking the door, but standing close, "…could you use a break from all that thinking you've been doing? Like tonight?"

His eyes and shirt were so green in the sunlight. I sidled past him, barely able to squeeze into the narrow slice he gave me holding the door. "You look good in all that green," I whispered, feeling a little like Mike. Then I ducked my head and got in the car.

He got in giving me a sizzling look. I tried to ignore it and gave him directions to Bunyard and Creig's.

"You didn't answer me about tonight," his fingers grazed my bare knee, a light touch that sent sparks up my thigh.

"Not tonight. I have practice and I'm meeting with a friend after." I did have practice, and did have a meeting with the band director after.

He was silent for a minute. "Guy friend?"

"No. Angela. She leads the band." I didn't add she was also our associate pastor.

"Oh," he seemed thrown.

"Tanya take off yet?" I asked.

"Wait…you're in a band?"

"Just…at my church. Yeah. I play piano."

"Oh," he said again, checking out my face. "Piano." He stared out the windshield, then seemed to snap to, "Yeah. Tanya's gone. After I left you…we talked. I can't say we parted friends, but then…I don't plan on seeing her again." He started the car and proceeded to back out.

"Wow. That must be really hard."

"What?" He put it in drive and pulled forward.

"Breaking up with someone." I was twisting some of my hair around my finger. A nervous habit.

He looked at me, smirk in place, then checked both ways and pulled into the traffic. "Are you telling me you've never broken up with someone?"

I didn't have to think about it. "I never have."

He kept looking from me to the road. "How is that possible?"

I shifted in the seat a bit. "I've…never really dated anyone long enough to…." I was glad to know he didn't know my dating history. I wasn't sure what all he'd been told about me.

"You've never had a serious relationship?"

"Not really."

"Why not? You date. I know you date."

I guessed he referred to my date last night. "Yeah…now and then. No boyfriends though."

"Not all through school either?" He was doubting me.

"No." I stared out the window now.

"Do I have a chance?" he said low.

I looked at him. He was so serious today. "Yes," I said.

That was it. After all the thinking, all the circles my mind had spun like too many plates round and round. I wanted him.

He took my hand. I held his, this time, with both of mine, and it felt right.

He fixed my flat tire. I told him I'd call the auto club, but he'd insisted. I loved watching him, useless though I was when it came to tires, standing there, wind whipping my skirt and hair, my arms folded, taking in everything, the way his jeans fit, the green shirt, the muscled back, his arms, lifting, forcing the lug nuts loose, his hips lean, his legs, bent, strong, the boots I'd returned and loved, his face expressive, interested, his hair growing in colored rich, his fingers, skilled. Skilled. I watched openly, the tire changing providing the perfect cover. Often he would look at me, just look. I had told him yes. It was there. The yes. I couldn't look away. I wouldn't.

When it was finished and he slammed my trunk, he said, "So you go to this place at the bottom of the hill and they'll have this tire ready to go." He was taking it there for me. "It's in good shape so they can fix it. If not they should have a new one. If you need a ride, call me, but they'll put it on for you in a few minutes."

I smiled at his bossiness. He was very exacting. "Thanks for all this."

"Don't worry," he told me, wiping his hands on a rag, "you can pay me back later." Now he did smile, the first time in a while. He was laughing.

I knew I was blushing. "I'd better get in…I'm late."

"Yeah." He tucked the rag in his back pocket, and touched me under my chin. "Tomorrow night?" He was close. "Tell me, pretty girl."

I pulled back. "Okay."

"Just okay?"

Now I laughed. "Okay. What time?"

"How about I'll call you and we'll work out the details. Just…keep it open." He kissed me quick then. "And Bella? That dress, this wind, and working on the ground at your feet? I owe you."

I was late from lunch, and had a conversation about it with my supervisor, but Mike had covered for me, using the tire as an excuse. I thanked him, but refused to ask Edward for baseball tickets, which made him sad. I did, however, hand him a salad. It was warm.


	16. Chapter 16

Turkey Baster 16

Rose texted me later that day at work. "Heard you met Emmie."

"Yes," I texted back.

"Well?"

"Cute. I have questions."

"He said you thought I was hiding."

"You are."

"Not hiding."

"What then?"

"Watching."

"Clever. What is going on?"

"You have a date."

"So?"

"He lurves you. He tells Em. He is hypnotized."

"Don't want to talk about this."

"Why?"

"Don't trust you."

"I'm pissed."

"You deserve it."

"You deserve…."

That was the end of it. She was pretending to be mad.

Before band practice I stopped in to see Alice. I knew by the number of cars in the driveway she had her teacher friends there, so I texted Jasper. "What?"

"She is better. They are making her laugh."

"Is her hair washed?" That was always the acid test for Alice. If her hair was clean, she was good.

"Clean and styled."

"Oh, so good. I'm in front of the house, but you know…. Tell her I'll see her later."

Band practice was slammin'. I missed most of my cues, but once I pulled my head out of my butt I actually contributed something. I met with Angela afterwards. We did this once a month for the past few years.

I went out of the sanctuary and down the hall a ways to her office. It was a little messy, but in a good way. It smelled like vanilla coffee. There were a couple of framed pictures on her desk, she and her husband Ben, heads together smiling with the ocean behind them. I loved that one. Another on her wedding day, the most beautiful bride, Ben a little shorter, nearly handsome he was as radiant as she. I was in the wedding.

"Hey," she said coming in behind me and closing the glass paneled door.

"Happy day," I said, "always makes me think of bottled water and safety pins."

We laughed. "Yeah, well, my mother-in-law, what can I say. She's been driving me into the arms of Jesus ever since." We laughed again at the memory of Ben's mom making us wait twenty minutes to go into the sanctuary and take wedding pictures because she insisted on running to the drugstore for bottled water and safety pins, both items which we already had thanks to Angela's foresight. This would be the first of many such conflicts in Angela's life with Ben's mother.

I smelled her familiar perfume as she stirred the air when she went around her desk. We spoke of how well practice went for a bit, then I said, "I need to speak with you about something." I folded my hands on my jean clad legs and sat there incredibly calm.

"Okay," she said, her brows raised, and her head tilted to the side. "Let me pray with you."

So she did, and it was sweet, and when it was over, she folded her hands on top of her desk. "What up?" she said, all down with the kids. We kept it a bit formal because in here she would be my friend and my minister. When we played music together she was my friend and band leader. When we ran together she tried to kick my ass.

"I have a date tomorrow night."

Her eyes lit up. She was the romantic type and I've given her nothing to feast on all the years she's known me. "Yeah, you said you've been dating more."

"I mean…it might be a real relationship. I'm not sure. I mean…it has potential."

"Wow. Do I know him?"

"No." Then I went on to tell her the whole weird story. It took several minutes. I even included my mega-date weekend.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," she held her hand up. "Let me digest. You're twenty-four."

"Yes."

She knew this, of course.

We stared at one another.

"You know what I'm looking for," she said.

"I do. And it's not there. I'm not sorry. I know it's not how I've ever behaved…having random sex…or any sex…but I'm laying it out there."

"Do you think you're pregnant? Have you tested?"

"End of next week. First day of missed period. If I miss my period."

"You're that regular?"

I nodded.

"Look. If we start counting up one another's sins, then we all have to leave the stage, right? But some things are so obvious, and we can't confuse people. We have enough trouble with teenage pregnancy and promiscuity as it is. Those kids look up to you, Bella, especially you."

I didn't know about, 'especially me,' as I was one of several good musicians, and I had yet to manifest any symptoms of pregnancy. "I get it."

"Wow. This is the hardest part of my job, this kind of stuff. And we're friends, Bella. Oh crap. When you joined the band you signed a life-style statement. But it's more than that even. The life-style has to be in here," she touched her heart.

"I'm sorry to put you here."

"Then make the decision for me. What does your spirit tell you to do, Bella?"

I rubbed a finger over my lips. "It tells me that I've made my choice and I need to step down until I figure things out, and then I'll speak to you again."

She nodded. "I can respect that."

"I realize how unfair I've been to Edward. He is happy we're going out, and…I have to tell him. I need to confess."

"But…isn't that what you're doing now? People say they need to confess. What does that mean to you?"

"It means I need to tell Edward how I betrayed him. So he can know what a liar I am and make a fair judgment about whether or not to try and have a relationship with me."

Angela slapped her hand on her desk. "Just stop. Stop using him. That's all he needs at this point."

"What?"

"You've confessed to me. You admit you were wrong. You're willing to change. So change. That's it. Be a better woman."

"Angela…I came to you because I knew you would tell me the truth…."

"No…you came to me so I'd say the thing you want to hear so you can sabotage your relationship with Edward Cullen."

"But I might be pregnant! I'm a total whore!"

"Oh my word, you're getting ready to stone yourself. You're the Pharisees and the adulterous woman. Figuratively, of course." She said, all intrigued by my obvious mental/moral deficiencies. She referred to the bible story where a woman is caught in adultery and dragged into a circle of her accusers. They stand ready to pelt her with stones for her crime, but Jesus saves her by saying that only those without sin have a right to target her. Angela is basically saying I'm pulling an Eddie Murphy and playing all the parts. Except Jesus. She's being that.

"Bella…if you're pregnant, you didn't get that way by yourself. This wasn't the immaculate conception."

"I'm not in that story, too?" I teased, but it fell flat.

"If you're pregnant, he's culpable, and of course, he needs to know. He has a right to know. The plan…keep it under your hat. If you're pregnant, he has the chance to step up or get out. Make sure he gets that chance. That's what you owe him. My advice? You know. It used to be your same advice to the young girls around here: Don't have premarital sex. But you're twenty-four and it was consensual, and he's not careful and it's done and I love you. Have you been tested?"

"No. He's been my only one…since…."

"Since…Phil?"

"Yes. Since Phil raped me. You can say it. Six years, you know?"

"Yeah. Since…Phil." She stared at me, her eyes glassy. "Did you forgive him today? Phil?"

"Sure," I said. "Piece of cake." It was sarcasm. No one knew more than her how hard I worked to forgive Phil and keep forgiving Phil, even though he was dead.

"You're a strong woman, Bella Swan. I remember you in that courtroom, so courageous, so articulate. And you've stayed strong, not letting Phil's monstrous acts destroy your heart."

I nodded.

"What about Renee?"

"Still writing that letter." We laughed. I'd been writing it for years now.

Six years since I've seen my mother. But Renee wasn't a mother. It was always Alice. The trial had dominated my last two years of high school. The events that caused the trial filled the first two years.

"Charlie," she said more softly.

I shrugged and my eyes filled right away. "Good old Charlie," I said, wiping at my eyes and smiling. "He tried, didn't he? There's a country song in there somewhere," I laughed then, crying and laughing. She handed me a Kleenex.

We talked about Alice. I knew what Angela would say, that it wasn't my place to make things up to Alice, but until a couple of days ago it had made sense. I never could have imagined falling for Edward, feeling like this over anyone.

"But Alice doesn't need saved. Not like this. You can't slay all of her dragons. She would be the first to tell you that."

The tears came then, "The cancer…my sister…and…I'm so scared…." I lost it then, and she came around the desk and got on her knees and put her arms around me.

She let me cry for a while. "Did you forget to cry?" She asked as she rubbed over my back. "Did you forget to let yourself feel sad for your sister? It's okay, you know. She's your sister. You want so much for her. It's okay to feel sad. But don't forget the happy. She's well. She may not be able to have children, but the pain is gone. She isn't going to know who she is without that pain. So let her mourn. And don't fix it, don't try, just be there."

Be there. Was I enough?

Tuesday night. He hadn't even texted, but he'd sent flowers to my office and a card telling me to be ready at six. Mike had been as excited as me. I warned him about spreading it around the office. I was dating Edward Cullen. I had to go to a stall in the bathroom to scream into my hands. I was happy.

Anyway, being ready at six when one got home from work at ten till six barely gave me enough time to get ready. And he'd said, "Wear the shoes."

So I showered and dressed, and combed out my hair, and I put the shoes on, then I took the shoes off. I put the shoes on. I kicked them off. What was the deal with the shoes? Wear them already, I said to myself, there's no time for this! And yet, I felt stupid wearing them. I didn't know why. They looked good with my dark blue blouse and black skirt. I wore my hair down. I carried a black bag. I looked understated but kind of classy, not mousy. He would like this. He wasn't shy about letting me know these things. So why did the shoes make me feel so vulnerable? I'd hiked up my dress in front of this man. I'd taken it completely off, and I was going to quibble about these shoes?

I wore the shoes. As he requested. I wanted to please him, didn't I? Didn't a woman want to please her man? Oh stop. He wasn't my man. Then what was he? He seemed very dedicated to wanting to be something to me, something more than….

He rang my bell. I had forgotten I even had a bell. Anyone who came to see me had a key. I ran to the door, in the shoes, and pulled it open. After all the excitement I felt, I was quiet now. He was so handsome I forgot to ask him in. He wore dress slacks. Black. A white shirt. A black tie. Simple. I stepped back. "Pretty," I said, and he laughed, his hands going into his pockets.

"You look...," his eyes took me in, focusing on the shoes, then slowly back up. He licked his lips and freed his hands and reached for me. "Come 'ere." He hugged me, and my arms slowly moved around him. He smelled so good. I didn't want to wrinkle such a crisp shirt. But it felt so smooth and cool under my hands. Hard muscle beneath. Wrapped around me.

"We have a reservation," he said close to my ear. He sighed and eased me an arm's length away.

"I'm starving," I said, because I was, but one look at him and I could wait.

He looked around my apartment and nodded. He smiled at me. "You like the 50's," he said.

I didn't know. I'd inherited the scratchy, boxy red sofa, and the chrome table and chairs, and some of the linens. I collected the Hall ware, and if you knew me, you got me that for Christmas and birthdays.

But focusing on things made it easier to grab my bag and get out the door. We made it to the car without kissing. Kissing would have led to more kissing, I was sure. It was crackling between us, the attraction. Just his jaw, I could barely look anywhere else, but then his mouth when he smiled at me when he spoke in that low sexy voice. I was wanton. I didn't know what kind of look he saw in my eyes, but he kept checking me out…everything. I loved his teeth, how his mouth formed words.

"What color do you call your hair?" I asked snapping my seatbelt in place.

"I don't know. Brown is what I say."

Not like any other brown.

Can a person grow more beautiful because someone treats them as if they are? I felt myself growing beautiful under his appreciative gaze, his sighs. He kept my hand in his, brought it to rest on his thigh so I was pulled in that direction.

He looked at me almost as much as he looked at the road. He had me talking about myself. "Where are you parents?" he asked.

"They're not around."

"They passed?"

"My dad, yes. Mom…I don't see her. I have Alice."

He looked at me, but he left it alone.

"Yours?" I asked.

"Got adopted as a teenager. They're great people, and are a mom and dad for all intents and purposes. My dad, Carlisle, got me into baseball. That changed my life."

He told me about skipping college and going right into the minors. That caused a lot of friction between himself and his step-dad. They've reconciled since. No, Edward never went to college beyond some night classes. He made some good money in baseball, not rich, but enough to boost him into starting his business. "Quick as my career was, it was average in length. I don't have anything to squeal about."

I thought his attitude was admirable. I told him that, but he assured me it was rough at first, but he got over it.

We rode in silence for a bit.

"So Emmett…he knows all about us?" Me.

"Sure. Why not?"

I looked away. "Little awkward."

"He doesn't know…everything. That's between you and me," he said all hottie in the eyes.

I smiled and looked out the window, noting the silly looking expression on my reflection.

"Tell me more about this band you're in."

He meant the band I was no longer in after this Sunday. But I didn't go into it. I talked some about learning to play piano in an after school program. I didn't tell him how Alice and I were in things like that so we didn't have to go home.

Talk flowed, but silences were good too, all the way to the restaurant. We went to a place downtown that had Puerto Rican food, live music and dancing. There was a huge bar of vegetables, and they served a variety of fish, meats and grilled fruit tableside. It was loud, and I ate too much, or not enough. Either way I quit after a few bites because I was more interested in what Edward was saying over the melee, and he kept feeding me bites of different things. "Let's dance," he said all of a sudden.

"You dance?"

"I love to dance," he said, standing and pulling me onto my feet, slamming me against him right by our table, which was just a few feet from the dancefloor. He held our hands out a bit, one arm wrapped tightly around me, my hips pressed against his, and his were moving, as were his feet.

"Some former girlfriend make you take lessons?" I asked, and he laughed.

"I didn't need lessons," he said. "You grow up in the minors, you learn more than baseball."

We laughed as he twirled us around more onto the floor. He taught me how to cha-cha, his version anyway, and he liked to watch my shoes. He told me to whip my skirt around while he stepped back and clapped, and I laughed and did what he said. He pulled me close again, "Good, but not as good as changing that tire."

I slapped his shoulder, and he spun me around, further into the crowd.

"So what did you see while you were down there?" I asked him. He picked me up then, spun me around and set me back down.

"It kept me goin'," he said, and I laughed and we danced the night away.

When we left it was around ten. We'd had some fancy chocolate platter and wine. He was stone cold sober, but I was just a little buzzed. I told him stories about Jasper. "Jasper Whitlock? Drives an Aston Maritn?"

I was still suspicious about who knew whom, but Edward didn't know a Jasper Whitlock.

I told him how Jasper and Alice had dated all through school, and how Jasper took care of us. Very protective.

"Guess I'll have to meet him and try to pass muster," Edward said.

We grew more quiet then. When he got to my apartment I invited him up. We got to talking loudly on the stairs, he told me I had to try and lift his hand off the handrail, and I tried but I couldn't. He called me weak, and I told him I'd rip a phone book in half and he said liar, so I ran to my door and got it open and kicked off the shoes and found the city phone book I'd had a while. He asked if he could kick off his shoes, and I said sure. He'd already pulled off his tie, and his collar was open, and I loved his throat, but I was working on the phone book, so I hoped I hadn't lost my touch, and I ripped into it, and I could still do it, and he laughed and said, "Damn," and I threw the two halves over my shoulders, and he sat up a little, grabbed my hand and pulled me down on the couch, and he was kissing me, and I was letting him and thinking we didn't need a thing in this world as long as we had this, and he pulled back and looked at me and brushed my hair back from either side of my face, and we just looked at one another, in the eyes, and he said, "Bella…was I your first?"

And I had to blink a little. "No," I said. "But…yes you were."

"What does that mean?"

"It means…my first time wasn't consensual."

He'd been half laying on me, and he sat up now, readjusting my legs over him. "You saying…rape?"

I nodded.

"You…can you tell me about it?"

"I don't want to. It's not like…I can't talk about it. But it was a long time ago. I don't want to spoil our time." I pulled him back to me.

"Bella…you mean in all these years…I was your first?"

"Yes," I said. "I…if it wasn't for the way you let me…," I grabbed his face then, both of my hands on his cheeks, my thumbs stroking close to his mouth, "…thank you, Edward. Thank you for…," I pulled his face to me and kissed his lips. So sweet.

He pulled back a little. "No, Bella, I took you in that crummy bar…I was an asshole, a total bastard."

"Edward listen to me…I…without you…Edward..."

His lips crashed onto mine, and he gave me all he had, breathing hard, his hands all over me. He was saying my name, his kisses on my neck, over my blouse, down the center, my leg lifting over him, him grabbing onto my hips, turning us on our sides so he could stretch out with me.

"To my bed," I said, pushing away, running to my room, pulling off my blouse, once I reached the bedroom stepping out of my skirt. He walked behind me, unbuttoning his cuffs as he entered. I stood there in my blue panties and bra, smiling at him, walking a couple of steps backward to the bed, and half sitting, half falling onto it, bouncing a little.

"I was worried," I said as he slowly unbuttoned his shirt, his eyes all over me, "I thought…I don't do this…have sex with guys…and like the biggest whore ever."

"Then why did you do it?" he said, burning me with the hottest gaze.

That stopped me for a minute.

"I saw you. It was you. Rose told me about you."

He froze, his shirt pulled half-way down his arms. "Wait a minute. You…you came there for me? Specifically me?"

"Yes."

"But…you said you didn't know about me. You denied all this when we talked before."

"I didn't know who you were. Rose sent me your picture. She told me your first name." I was fumbling.

"Rose sent you my picture? So…you were looking for me."

"She thought I could practice on you, practice getting out there. She heard Emmett talking about you, a friend coming to town. She had to know who you were, but I didn't."

"So why not set us up? I would have gone for it."

"She did. But if I didn't want to…I could get out."

He is just staring at me.

"Because, like, of what happened? You have to have an out or something?"

"No. But maybe yes. I don't know."

"What aren't you telling me?"

I'd confessed already. To Angela. She told me to change.

"I saw you…and I wanted to be different. I wanted to be that girl who…could meet a beautiful man and…do something crazy like…have mad sex in a backroom."

"You know that's really dangerous. I could have been anybody…."

"But Rose checked you out. It wasn't random, Edward. Once I saw you…your eyes. You…make me feel safe. I look back on it now and I kind of cringe…no I do cringe. But I'm just a little bit proud that I went for it. I don't know if you would have noticed me."

"Bella, I noticed. Why would you sell yourself so short?" He pulled his shirt back up his arms and sat on the bed next to me, still wearing his clothes, but his shirt was unbuttoned. He took one of my pillows and sat it on my lap, and he put his arm around me. "You knocked me on my ass," he said, lightly touching the little flower on my bra.

"Are you mad? Disgusted or something?"

"You came back a second time. And a third. I was flattered. But…there's more to it."

"Yeah," I said, clutching the pillow and leaning into his side.

"Did you mean any of it? I was so wrong. I didn't even satisfy you."

"I didn't care. Just letting me be powerful like that…," I looked into his eyes, "…it freed me. All I can feel now is…I'm glad you're with me." My fingers threaded lightly over the stubble starting to show on his cheeks. "I couldn't stay away," I whispered.

"I didn't want you to. I was there…waiting for you," he said.

"I…I've never felt this. The other night at the hotel…that was my first time to…finish."

"First time to cum?"

"Yes. I was so shaken."

He encourages me onto his lap and he wraps both arms around me and the pillow. "Oh baby, I'm so glad I got to give you that. But you almost got killed at that intersection. I can't forgive myself for it. I shouldn't have chased you, but I was so afraid I wouldn't see you again."

"It wasn't your fault. I knew things were changing. I was loosing control…but…I'm not afraid anymore."

"Afraid of what, baby?"

"Afraid of…love."

He kissed me then, me sitting like that, and he pulled the pillow away and looked me over and then gazing into my eyes and breathing. And I peeled his shirt over his shoulders and off. I scooted out of the way and put my hand over his zipper where he was hard as a rock and he groaned, and I rubbed up and down on him. He was saying one long ohhh, then, "Stop honey, or you're going to end me."

I stood up then, holding his hands, pulling him to a stand. I looked at his pants and shoes, and he worked his way out of the shoes and I undid his pants, then he gently took over until he was bare. I turned so he could unhook my bra and I turned back and pulled it away, and my long hair helped hide my bare breasts, so I stood still while he pushed my hair over one shoulder then another, and he touched my bare nipples with his eyes burning bright and he just said, "These…."

Then he motioned to my panties with one finger and I obediently stepped out of them and kicked them aside, then faced him, the only man in the world I could do this with and not die of shame because his eyes stayed on the place where my thighs joined together for about a full minute.

"Hot as fire," he whispered, pulling me onto the bed, and we were instantly all tangled together, and he was kissing, and I had to remember to participate and not just lay there suspended in a kind of bliss. But just when I'd go crazy he'd do something like push a long finger into me, and I'd be all stuck again just feeling and exploding all over the place, gasping like it's my last breath while he says, "Give it to me, honey. Let go."

So by the time he's wearing a condom, a real one this time, and I am moaning in anticipation of the most incredible feeling in the world, being filled by him, him pumping slow, making me so anxious I punch his shoulder, then I'm scratching at his back, we're making so much noise the neighbors may come knocking because this bed doesn't rock. Ever.

When it was over, and we lay there and talked a while, in soft voices, so happy like we were drifting on a cloud, he kissed me so many times, and I received his kisses and gave him a few of my own, he said, "Bella, this is something. I've tried not to get caught up. But you've got my attention. All of it. Everything else seems…."

"Like filler?" I said, remembering that word he'd spoken the other night.

"Exactly," he said.

"When you came into the coffee house Sunday, that was Rose and Emmett pushing us together."

"But look where it led. Em was working in my behalf."

"I didn't know I wanted it. I wouldn't admit it to myself. But we're moving fast. Is it ever this fast?"

"Not ever for me."

"But you've been in love." It hung there, the love word. I couldn't take it back. "I mean…you've gone all the way there a time or two, you said. So…was it this fast?"

"No. Not like this at all. I wonder now if it was love. By comparison…it wasn't this strong."

"Wow," I whispered, in the dark, in his arms, wearing his skin over my own, sharing a heartbeat and breath, sharing a feeling so grand.

"Edward…what if I'm pregnant?" I whisper. "We weren't careful."

"Are you on the pill or something?"

"No."

He pulled me closer, but it wasn't possible. "Is that important to you? Kids?"

That wasn't the response I imagined he might have to this news. "I…I've always thought I'd be a terrible mother. I don't know. But my sister…she can't have kids. And it's all she ever wanted…you know?"

"Curve ball," he said.


	17. Chapter 17

Turkey Baster 17

Edward Cullen spent the night with me. Once we awoke, we got over the shock of waking up to one another in seconds. I was happy to see him, curled up with him in my bed, and he seemed just as happy.

"I wish I could lay here with you…like this." I yawned hugely.

"Did you just crack your jaw?" he asked, and we laughed, and I loved the morning creak in his voice.

He told me some about his day. He had a meeting with a realtor, an appointment to look at several apartments, and a couple of houses. He had a meeting with contractors and business at city hall.

Then we got into a bit of a discussion about what I did at the firm, and we ended with a quick back and forth about who made the best tax preparers, tax professionals or CPA's. My opinion earned me a kiss because he said I told him something he didn't know. "Yeah," I said, "this is one romantic conversation."

He was quickly in and out of the bathroom. I knew it would take me longer.

"Will I see you tonight?" he asked, squeezing me in my short blue robe as I stood at the counter waiting for coffee.

I played with the collar of his wrinkled white shirt. "I'm on rotation with my small group of high school girls. I won't be done until late, but…to be honest, I'm usually dead when they get through with me."

When I looked at him, of course I wanted him. "I…don't want to be away from you," I admitted.

"Then…what if I pack a bag and come again tonight? It'll be late, but I could bring dinner."

"Edward…what are we going to do, feeling like this?"

"Hey," he said, kissing me again, "this is a good thing. I know we weren't expecting it, but it's a good thing."

"You sound like Martha Stewart," I whispered.

"I…is that…I don't want to sound like anyone named Martha. I'm a man."

"Yeah. It is a good thing. What's happening with us. It's just…you're going to figure me out and get sick of me."

I was still plucking around on his collar.

He started to sway with me, like he heard music. "Not going to happen. But you just say the word and I'll go away."

I really laughed then, slapping at his shoulder. "You do not go away. I know this."

He had to smile. "I don't want to. I…I've always known what I want. Even if I let myself get somewhere that was wrong, or with someone that was wrong, I knew it. I've never really had to be told I'm fuckin' up."

I pursed my lips and nodded. "I just…haven't taken many chances, I guess."

"Is that because…of what happened?" He stopped moving us.

I laughed a little, then said in a mock-scary voice, "And what happened?"

"The rape. Can I say that? I don't know how to bring it up…but…I was pretty much awake last night thinking about it. Can you tell me something about it? I know I should wait…but I'm hell-on about waiting. What happened?"

I studied his throat, and ran my finger there. "He was my mom's new husband…and I went to live with them." I looked briefly into Edward's eyes. "I was…sixteen. Alice and Jasper had left for college and I didn't want to stay with Charlie. It was all going to be so wonderful, you know. According to my mother. He was drunk…and high…and he'd claim he thought it was her. I fought…but he was so strong."

"Oh, so it was his wife he was raping, I get it," he said, the rage barely hidden. "How badly were you hurt?" I could feel the stillness in his arms as they held me.

"Um…Alice said I looked like I'd been in a car accident."

"Wow," he whispered, pulling me even closer, until he held my head to his chest. "Where is this guy?"

"He's dead. That's another crazy story."

"Did he go to jail?"

"He was in jail during the trial, but he never made it to prison. He was killed during the trial. Um…by my father, actually."

Now he eased me away from him so he could look into my face. His lips were poised, ready to speak, but I could see him warring through a hundred words looking for the right way to ask his next question.

"And your dad?"

"Charlie. Also dead. He did make it to prison, and he was killed there. He'd been a police officer." My hands had left Edward, they hung at my sides. He'd moved his hands to my arms and just held me there, a foot away so he could keep staring at me.

"Bella…," he whispered. "Baby."

"My mom, however, is still alive. Living in Phoenix. A new husband. But…we don't talk. I…have been writing her a letter, however…for the past four years. And…it's not finished. I hope." I looked at him now with a sense of resignation.

"Why…do you hope it's not finished?" His face was so earnest. He was trying to understand.

"Because when it's finished…I've let her go. And for some reason…." Now I'm jammed.

"Baby, baby," he says his fingers under my chin as he lifts my face. "Come here," he pulls me across the kitchen and the living room to the couch and sits down. He pulls me onto his lap and keeps his arms around me.

"I'm glad he's dead," he says to me, his eyes shiny, "…because I want to kill him. Let's go dig him up."

I blurt a sound, like a honking geese.

He squeezed me and laughed a little. "I hate him. Your dad did the right thing."

"My dad is no hero, Edward. He killed Phil because of Renee, not for me. Those two used everything they could to get at each other."

"Oh, Bella." He held me then, rocking a bit.

"It was a long time ago," I told him. "I hate to tell it because it unburdens me and ruins someone else. I'm sorry you had to hear it."

He was quiet for a while, then he said, "It's not like that…for me. I feel like you're letting me know you. I'm the one asking the questions."

"Yeah, but…," I let out a big breath, "…what a thing to have to…."

Needless to say I was late for work. I got written up. I didn't care. My performance up until now had been pretty darn flawless. Pardon me while I told my…Edward about my sordid past.

He was coming over tonight, and spending the night. By the time I got to my desk, Mike was waiting. He'd brought me coffee. "Thanks," I said.

"You're late for work! That's twice now." He meant the lunch.

I shrugged and took a sip of the hot brew.

"Is it Cullen?" I could hear the hope in his voice, any shred of knowledge about Edward.

"No," I said sternly, hoping to remind him that we were not friends. Then…I suddenly wanted to be kinder. I didn't know why. But caring about Edward was changing me. It made me laugh a little.

"What's so funny? You've got a staff meeting in ten minutes and you haven't printed out one report."

"I don't know. Life is pretty good, don't you think?"

He drew his chin into his neck. "I don't know."

"It is good," I said firmly.

"Yeah, it's Cullen alright. I've never heard you be so positive."

Over the next week, we went to work, and hurried home to be together. When we'd met, he'd been spending time at the bar to get a feel for the place, to see how it operated, to judge the clientele. He was also looking at another property. He explained that sometimes, he and Emmett went in together. Sometimes Edward's parents invested as well.

He was also overseeing properties in other cities, so he spent a good deal of time on his cell phone, and on his laptop. He told me he knew it was a real problem, but he shut it off around nine. That was fine with me as I wasn't used to someone being in my apartment at all. I met with the small group of teenaged girls I helped with, I shopped for food because I loved having someone to cook for besides myself, I spent one evening with Jasper and Alice, letting them know I was still seeing Edward.

"The lush?" she asked.

"No," I said rather defensively, causing her to look at me, then at Jasper.

"Okay. Hence the glow."

"What glow?"

"You've either handled radio-active kryptonite, or you're in love."

I was speared with the never ending worry in the back of my mind: I could be pregnant.

I still had no symptoms, but it would only be a matter of days. Edward and I had been careful lately, but the infamous hotel sex-fest and its potential consequence still loomed. And looking at my sister's sweet and beautiful face, the thought that I might be growing a child I could no longer surrender to her was unbearable.

Angela said I couldn't slay all of my sister's dragons. But here's the thing, I felt a horrible guilt that my vagina might be working, while hers never would.

How unfair was that when the last thing I wanted, even now, was a baby, and it's all Alice had ever wanted. Besides Jasper.

Edward and I were having a whirlwind romance. Just the night before my visit with Alice we had spent hours making love. It was all new to me. Someone so passionate, so open. We had danced on the balcony outside my apartment, barefooted, the music coming softly from my ipod on its stand in the living room. He had kept his forehead pressed on mine, like our thoughts were creating one environment of sensuality. We were like the Jetsons, living in a saucer that hovered over the city.

Ever since I'd opened up to him, my body had surrendered in new ways. I wanted him to know me, all of it. I did whatever he told me to do, sometimes such anticipation in his voice, it thrilled me to be wanted this way: take off your clothes, rub your hands over your body, touch, open your legs, let me see, on your knees, do you like this, bend over, look at me, look at me, give it to me, cum for me, lift it, feel it, scream, my name, kiss me, kiss me, your tongue, take it, like that, just like that, is it good, fuck, your pussy, your smell, wet, so wet for me, yeah, want that, yeah like that, grab it, grab me, lick it, take it all the way, deeper, deeper, beautiful, your taste, your skin, your mouth, your mouth, look at you, look at you, these are mine, this is mine, your hot flesh, pink, smooth, rough, harder…I love you.

"I love you," he said, and he was over me, in me, both of us panting, breathing together.

I didn't speak, because I was somersaulting around in an orgasm that had melted my insides and I could scarcely put my mind around what he'd just declared.

Yes, I was radiant, and he was my kryptonite, the thing that could end me. That's what I knew as I looked at my sister. He could end me.


	18. Chapter 18

Turkey Baster 18

"Do you like the gnocchi?" Me.

He nods, looks at me with a weak smile. Oh my god, he's a pouter. "What's wrong?" I say.

"Why do you say that?" he says, using the cloth napkin I've provided to wipe his beautiful mouth, though there's still a bit of basil stuck in the corner of his lip, and I reach and take the napkin and pointing under the material with my finger, I dab at the corner and remove the alien. I hand him the napkin and he thanks me.

"I don't know…you seem sad? Or something." I take another bite.

He shakes his head. I love the way his hair is growing out.

"Why can't you tell me?" Me.

"I thought I was the curious one," Him.

"Can't we both be curious?"

He shrugs and takes his last bite, working himself over with the napkin, breathing in and standing, taking his plate and reaching for mine. "Gonna make someone a good wife someday," I tease, but he doesn't laugh, he just takes the plates to the sink.

I watch his shoulders move as he rinses the dishes, then loads them into the dishwasher. He hasn't done this before. I know he's used to being on his own, but he's only starting to act like this is his apartment too.

I continue to stare. It's a Friday night. Tomorrow is the first day of my period. Baring that, I test for pregnancy. I stare at the table. If it's positive, how will I tell him? What will I do?

"I have to go home," he says, not turning to look, just staying busy.

"Really?"

He flashes a look back at me. "Why would I lie?"

"Wow. Lie? I was just trying to catch up. I knew you were going home soon…but how soon?"

"Tomorrow."

"Really?"

He doesn't answer. I didn't expect him too, but his lack of reaction, as if I haven't spoken, hurts.

"It's sudden," I say.

"Not really." He looks under the sink for the soap and fills the cup in the dishwasher, slams the door shut.

"Don't hate the appliance," I say, but there's no lightening his mood.

I go to him. He's still at the sink, wiping the rag listlessly around the double bowls.

I reach around and take the rag and slap it over the drain, then force him to turn and face me.

I'm waiting.

He looks at me. I think of the old Judy Garland song, Stormy Weather. That's how he looks.

"I told you I loved you…and…." Him.

"Is that what this is about?"

"Not really. How do you feel about me? About us?"

"I…thought I was making that clear."

"Not so much. You're hard to read."

"Um…how so?" I thought of the many and numerous intimate moments we'd shared all this incredible week, for example.

We're not touching. His arms are folded against his white t-shirt, and mine are the same.

"What bullshit is this?" I finally say.

"Tanya's pregnant," he blurts. I hear Judy sing about the rain, "keeps fallin' all the time."

"Oh," I say. I'm speechless. I'm actually dizzy.

"Yeah," he answers. "Curve ball."

I make it to the couch.

"Say something," he's saying. He's crying.

"Go to her."

"Don't tell me that! Don't say it like that."

I laugh this dry laugh. "Get out, then."

"I didn't know. I love you."

"Go."

He drops to the coffee table in front of me. "I had to tell you. How could I not tell you? So now I'm thrown out? You're not even going to talk to me about this? Are we nothing to each other?"

I'm staring at him, words trying to step to the front, but honestly, I can't think of a thing to say.

"Bella…." He is thinking of reaching for me, but that would be a mistake and he seems to know it. His legs are open, his knees on either side of mine, and he clasps his hands.

"We used each other," I say.

"No…Bella…."

"We did. I used you to try and get pregnant."

"When?" He looks away from me, like the answers might be written on the walls somewhere.

"That's why I came on to you. We called you the turkey baster. Baster for short. I just needed a willing male." Now he's looking at me, squinting at me. He's not crying now. He's a deep red color. "I wanted to have a baby. But I didn't want the trouble of artificial insemination. Not when you were so willing. And…I had no idea…but so fertile. I called you my hot butter pump. But mostly…Baster."

"What the fuck?"

"And you used me. To clean Tanya off your shoe. But she's not coming off so easy." I wasn't angry. I was quiet inside. Eerily quiet.

He stared at me for long moments. "I don't know you."

I looked down. Now that hurt. Kryptonite.


	19. Chapter 19

Turkey Baster 19

I was holding the stick in my hand. It registered positive. I was pregnant with Edward Cullen's child. I was pregnant.

He had a harem going. Sister wives.

I threw the stick and it bounced off the tile wall in front of me and boomeranged back darn near taking my eye out.

Sitting on the closed lid of the john, I had a major pity extravaganza. He was gone. I'd sent him back to her, after he'd told me twice not to send him to another woman.

Well he wasn't making the rules anymore.

And now I couldn't even self-destruct because I was going to be a mom. I couldn't be Renee. But what if it was genetic? This could be how it happened, how I changed like wolfman with the full moon. It would start with Edward Cullen, it would end with Joe-Bob Hatfield and several warped children. I just had to stay out of Forks.

I wanted Alice. I drove to her house without my shoes on because I couldn't find them, so I just kept running.

But how could I tell her? It would be cruel. I didn't know…there would be no way to keep it from Edward, unless I left town. Then Alice would have to come too, and she never would. It was all absolutely hideously convoluted.

I needed Rose. But she didn't need me. We hadn't been speaking.

Angela wouldn't turn me away. Poor Ben. Angela's door was always open to the nutcases of the world.

I almost fell on the person who opened the sunny yellow door to Angela and Ben's home. But it was Ben's mom, so I'm glad I caught myself.

"Are you alright, dear?" she asked before I could speak. "Bella?"

Did I look so unlike myself? "I'm great," I said, my voice sounding crackable. "I'm sorry to bother you all on a Saturday morning…but…Angela…." Now I did crack and the good lady pulled me inside.

She half dragged me to a chair in the sunny living room. "Bella, you stay right there and I'm going to call Angela. She's just five minutes a way watching the Bad News Bears…oh not the movie…Ben's softball team."

I couldn't respond now that I'd let the panic out. I knew I looked shocking, barefoot and pregnant with bad hair, and what was I wearing? Oh yeah, my pajamas, and they weren't even real pajamas.

I kept crying, and snot like you wouldn't believe. I heard Ben's mom talking away in the background, then her clicking heels on the hardwood floor. She handed me the whole box of Kleenex, and brought me tea shortly after, steaming hot and useless to me as I couldn't do anything now that the tears were slowing down. But I appreciated the kindness because I'd driven almost everyone away.

I could hear the woman's relief when Angela came in. I guess she wasn't trained in the mental health field like her daughter. But Angela's arms around me, they were the antidote to everything.

"He's gone," I told her first, surprised it was the first thing to blurt when I had so many tragedies to choose from. "We had a fight. I made him go."

She kept holding me. I hoped her in-law wasn't listening.

"Is he coming back?" she said gently.

"No," I said, all dramatic. Best to believe the worst. If you could handle that you could handle every eventuality.

Angela was stroking my hair. "I miss you at band practice. We suck without you."

I cried harder now, because I wouldn't be coming back to band. "I'm pregnant."

I heard Mrs. Weber gasp somewhere behind us. I could feel Angela's mouth moving as she gave her mother-in-law her marching orders.

"Bella…are you sure?"

"Yes." I looked at her now. "And Edward's girlfriend back home? The one he just broke up with before me? She's pregnant, too."

Angela's mouth was open, but her eyes were shifting around. She closed her mouth and started to nod. "Okay. Okay."

"It's not okay," I said shaking my head.

Now her head went in a circle, like her chin made a circle and everything followed. "No, I'm not going to lie." Then it's like she thought of something. "But you're not alone."

I squeezed her arm. "I sent him away. He said…he had to go home, but I…I confessed." I looked at her then, "Like you told me not to…or you said…."

"I know," she interrupted. "So what did he say…when you confessed?"

"He was pretty…hurt. I mean…you know how I am with words."

"You told him everything?"

I did not tell him who the child was for, but I protected that now as it made no difference.

"Yes. Even about Phil…the other night. We've been…open. I…I love him."

"Oh, Bella."

I was crying again, the retching cry that makes you grunt like you're delivering a rhino.

"And…he…he says he loves me. And…when he left my apartment last night he was so hurt…and…he had a flight this morning…he didn't text…it's over. It's over."

She rearranged us, easing away from me, and sitting in the chair beside me. "Listen to me, Bella. I'm about to make a really good speech, so are you listening?" She sat up straight.

"Go on," I said, a little afraid of what she was going to say.

"You wanted this."

I started to protest but she held up her hand. "You wanted this child. This child is wanted. This child is coming and she needs a mom who will take care of herself and be healthy and strong."

I sniffed, and let my hair hang around my face, but I was listening.

"Every child needs to be celebrated. This is not a tragedy. This is a child. So woman-up. I'll expect you to be at band practice. I'll expect you to carry on with your small group. It's important you go to the doctor, eat well, get rest, do you job, and take care of yourself. Everything else can take care of itself. Everything else you give to God a hundred times a day because you can't fix all of this. In the meantime, I'll see you tomorrow at church, and we'll carry on."

I got it. She wasn't going to pity me. This was good. I pushed my hair out of my face.

"But what about…."

"I know what I said about the life style statement and blah, blah, blah. But the baby is here now. It's time to turn our weapons of war into weapons of love. Now you have a new lesson to teach…one that shows the girls who love you and look up to you how to live for someone besides yourself. You're a mother!"


	20. Chapter 20

Turkey Baster 20

It was official. Dr. Gerandy confirmed what the test at home had already proved. Pregnant.

I wanted Alice. When Jasper let me in that Saturday morning, his finger nails and toe nails were painted a glossy black. Hers were red. And she'd drawn flowers on them using three colors and a toothpick.

She was in her usual spot, with the foam things still separating her little digits. She wanted to do mine, but I was oh so not in the mood.

"You look like your old self." Me, plopping beside her.

"You broke up with him," she said.

"He had to go home," I said.

She stared at me.

"It's friendly. I don't know what will happen."

He hadn't even texted. It was over two weeks. I had barely combed my hair in that time.

At work, even Mike found me repugnant. I radiated dullness. I could barely do my job. I was frequently nauseated beyond endurance. I cried all the time. My boobs hurt. And I didn't want to see anyone. I made mistakes in band. I lost patience with one of the girls in my small group and had to go after her to apologize. I ignored Rose's text messages. I waited for Edward to call, to text, to email, to show up at my door begging me to start over with him. I tore up the letter to my mother and burned it in a pot on my stove. Then I cut my hair. But I had it tied back hoping Alice wouldn't notice.

Alice was getting close to going back to work. Everyone had a life. Everyone was living.

Jasper brought us waffles. I liked these kind because the square-pattern on either side held ample amounts of syrup. And there were pecans. "Your husband's way cool," I said taking a big bite and finding they didn't taste good at all. Matter of fact I couldn't swallow. I had to run to the bathroom.

"What did you put in these?" I heard Alice asking alarmed.

"Just a shot of bourbon in the syrup," Jasper was answering as I hurled. He was at the door right away. "Bella?" then to Alice, "she's puking."

"Oh shit," Alice said. "She hates to puke."

"Why wouldn't I?" I whispered, my head against the tile.

"Tell me you're okay," Jasper said outside the door, patience in his voice. When I still didn't answer, "Can I come in?"

I didn't say no, so in he came. I was sitting there, on the floor, under the window. He closed the door behind him.

"Another satisfied customer," he said.

"Don't take it personally," I said, pushing a clump of hair that was too short to stay in my ponytail out of my sweaty face.

He wet a rag at the sink, nice and cold, folded in a rectangle. He handed it to me, put the lid down on the stool and sat. I touched his black lacquered toe nails with my toes.

"Is he coming back?" Jasper asked.

I had wiped my face with the rag, and I squeezed it in my hands while I stared at it. I was sniffing, but I didn't talk.

"Hey, remember when Alice was going to beat up that huge girl…Rita…something…and she went to meet her after school and all her friends went with her, and she was standing there all tough and then she threw up in front of everyone and Rita saw it and she was grossed out so she left? You came and got me out of practice."

"And I saw that one guy in his underwear and I screamed,"

"You shouldn't have run into the locker room. That was off limits to girls. Random dicks on the loose."

"Oh yeah…it wasn't just the underwear, it was him bending over in it…like the dark mysterious crack…."

"Metaphorical for all of life's mysteries, the future," he said, and we laughed.

"Stop it," I put the rag over my eyes, "I want to be pathetic in here."

"It smells like vomit. That's pretty pathetic," he said and we laughed some more.

"All those times we drank Charlie's beer."

"All that vomit," he said, and we laughed again…sick that way.

"You going out the back door while Charlie came in the front," I said, and we were really laughing now, because I was pregnant and Edward had left me for Tanya, and Jasper had just come through ovarian cancer, chemo, and surgery with the woman he loved. My sister.

"Me sneaking in your window cause Alice didn't have one." He laughed.

"Yeah, trying to sleep and you creeping across my room, tripping over my shit in the dark."

"All those nights," he said. Then we both grew quiet. But out of no where he made a sound, and it was a deep sound and he pressed his thumb and finger against his eyelids. "I can't save you," he said. "I couldn't save her either."

My foot was on top of his and I tugged on the hem of his pant-leg. "Cry me a river, Whitlock."

"Not as good," he whispered, reaching behind him to take a Kleenex out of Alice's crocheted poodle.

"And, last I looked you don't have a license to practice medicine. And as for me…I need to do a better job at saving myself."

He sniffed then, locked in his own attempt to stave off a cry that might never end. He'd been strong a long time.

"Oh crap," he said, finally taking a deep breath. "What the hell was that?"

"It's okay," I said. "Imagine holding that in for the rest of your life."

"Obviously I couldn't."

We sat there sniffing together. "You can quit worrying about her," he said.

We stared at one another for a bit. "You can quit worrying about me."

"We're fucked up." He laughed, and I laughed with him.

"I'm serious though," he said, his eyes worse than Alice's for lazering to the truth.

"I don't know how to not worry." I said.

"It's pointless. It's like you're trying to pay a debt. She doesn't want that."

I looked down again. I could feel it rising in my throat, the truth about the pregnancy. I wanted to tell him. Fall on him and forget the brave words about saving myself.

Alice knocked as she opened the door. "Sorry. I know you guys never get to talk anymore. I'm trying to stay out, and I lasted for six minutes so give me some credit." She leaned in the doorway and folded her arms. She was wearing a pink and black housedress with black rick rack along the front. She had on black leggings and her cute toes finishing it off, even if they clashed a bit.

"What the hell did you do to your hair?" she asked, suddenly stern.

"How did you notice?" I asked, holding the ponytail that laid over my shoulder.

"Let's see it Swanie," Jasper said.

I pulled out the rubberband and let the chop-job show. I'd been gathering it in elastic, not dealing with it. "I'm having it fixed this afternoon," I lied.

"Why would you do that?" she asked.

I shrugged.

"Your beautiful hair," she said sternly, and hair was a big deal to her as she'd lost hers last year and it had just reached a decent length.

"It will grow back," I said.

She touched her own then. "Were you drunk?"

"No."

"Then it's over Edward."

I just stared at her.

"You've been suffering. Look at her Jazz. We haven't been there for her."

"Alice…," I was getting on my feet as was Jasper. Alice turned then and we filed out into the living room except Jasper. He took refuge at the sink.

"Why did you throw up?" she shot at me, relentless now. "Are you…?" she gasped and touched her lips. "You're pregnant! That's why you look like shit! That's why you cut your hair! You're pregnant!" She hurried to me and threw her arms around me. She leaned back. "Does he know? Doesn't he care? You haven't told him! You are going to tell him!" I listened to her conversation evolve.

Jasper waited patiently behind my sister. When she noticed him she stepped aside, and he folded me up in his long arms. The damn of tears broke again, and I cried hanging onto his shoulders.

Two weeks later, when Alice was back to work, Rose texted out of the blue. I was to meet her at our coffee place. At first I thought, no way. I was still protecting news about the pregnancy from Edward, and Rose was a link, and possibly a leak.

Then I thought…why not.

So I met her there. She looked good, healthy. In love.

She liked my hair. I'd gotten it layered. It just reached my shoulders.

"Remind me why we haven't been speaking," she said blowing into the little hole on the top of her cup of skinny latte no whip.

"You cut me out of your life," I said, blowing into the little hole on the top of my café mocha with an extra shot of chocolate and whip.

She paused for a moment, then took a loud sip of her hot drink. "Oh," she said.

"I know stuff," she said readjusting herself to sit squarely before me on the other side of the booth.

She only thought she knew stuff.

"Do not say his name."

"Voldemort," she whispered, ever the smart-ass. "Oh lighten up. I miss you."

"You knew he went home, and you didn't even call."

She sipped her drink. "I didn't know until yesterday. I assumed you two were going strong, and Em happened to mention Edward had gone home. Actually he said Edward was going to be a father and I almost had a heart attack. I just assumed Operation Bast…."

"Don't say that," I snapped, holding up my hand like a crossing guard.

"I assumed things were fine. It was obvious you two are…."

"Stop," I said again, turning my cup as if the circle it made had an end.

"Then to hear it's someone else…."

I knew my eyes were shooting fire, but I didn't expect her to notice and gulp.

"I…I thought it was going to work between you two."

I wanted to let her have it, but I couldn't. "So did I," I said.

"I know I haven't been there. But…I've been falling in love, I guess."

"That's it? That's your excuse for vanishing out of my life?"

"I'm sorry. It's just…he makes me so happy. And…I needed happy, Bella."

"As in…I didn't make you happy? Cause I wasn't trying to be your main squeeze so I don't see the compari…."

"Bella…I needed a break."

"A break? Really?"

"I'm sorry, but it's true. Emmett came along…and I fell in love. And I'm not going to apologize about it."

"I didn't ask you…."

"Don't get all high and mighty, Bella."

"I don't believe it. What are you...?"

"How many guys have I fixed you up with in the last year? In the last five years?"

"I don't know."

"No one is good enough. No one. He's too short, he chews funny, his one eye goes in, his nose is so big, he has sinus-voice, his eyebrows connect…."

"Unibrow," I whispered.

"His mother is living, his dog has fleas, his apartment smells funny, he looks like his sister. I've heard it all. Bella."

"I'm particular."

"You're peculiar." She said this loudly. A few people turned to see the peculiar girl. Me.

"Then the grand plan. A baby. But not really. A baby once removed. Now that's more like it for our girl Bella."

"You helped me plan. You were with me in it."

"No I wasn't. I wanted to kill you. But you never even asked why. You weren't even curious."

"Okay, why?"

"Because it was insane," she said with finality. "And I was falling in love with Emmett, and I didn't want your ridiculous plan anywhere near it."

"Then why in the hell did you set me up with Emmett's best friend?"

"Because I actually cared who you slept with. I wanted to find someone you could actually be with. When I found out about Edward I figured someone that charismatic and…darn near perfect might actually be able to penetrate…bad choice of words…break through your walls." She took another sip.

"You are so full of shit. You've been stuck on Royce so long. Don't act like it was all me keeping you miserable."

She took the lid off of her coffee and used the plastic stick to stir it. "I didn't realize I'd fall in love with Emmett, but I did. And sanity started to return…once I got some space between myself and Royce and you and your ridiculous plan. I've been your enabler. But not anymore. Now I'm free. I'm done. I'm in love and I've never been so happy, and if you and Edward can't stay together, and he gets a baby, not you, but him, and one he actually seems to want, then I say more power to him."

"You sound like you hate me," I said, knowing it was weak, but it's all I heard…the hate.

"I don't hate you, Bella, I love you. Remember the last decade? All love. That hasn't changed. I just needed a big fat break from you. We've been through it this past year, no? I just needed a break."

"I couldn't help about the cancer. I know I probably leaned hard, but…."

"The cancer? No. Piece of cake compared to all the rest. I'm supposed to consent to my best friend having random sex in some filthy bar, I'm supposed to be okay with this. No, I'm frantically trying to make it work! I'm breaking company policy so I can make sure his dick is clean! There is no job too small or too incriminating for me when it comes to my best friend!"

I'm staring.

"Let me ask you this, did you really think you met Edward effing Cullen by accident? Edward Cullen the millionaire bachelor, one of the ten most eligible in the world today? Did you really think it was all a lick and a hope and not some thought out, last ditch, wild, please God, move heaven and earth mammoth orchestration? Get your head out of your ass, Bella!

"I…."

"And here's the clincher. I'm using the man I'm not even realizing I love to make this travesty happen, blind to what is right in front of me! Why? Because once again it's all about you! So once Edward went for you…I was free. And all of a sudden I saw Emmett. I mean I saw him. And I didn't want to get pulled into your Bella soap opera anymore. So I took a break. And then…it became an extended vacation. Sue me."

Somewhere in there I had torn the sleeve off of my mocha. I was staring at her, my bottom lip heavy as lead.

"Say something," she ordered.

I worked to get my mouth shut. I knew if I could just keep my two lips together, I could get to my car without turning into one of the Jersey Housewives.

So I was walking pretty quickly out of there, and guess what, she didn't even chase me.

I sat in my car for a while. At first, I wasn't thinking about anything much, just letting the sting of everything she said swirl around in my head.

Then one thought started to emerge. I picked up my cell and dialed Edward.

He answered on the third ring. "Bella?" His voice stirred every desperate feeling.

"You…haven't called," I said. "It's all right. I…get it. But…it doesn't just go away…for me. I…how are you?"

He breathed out. "I'm in a meeting. I'll call you back in a few minutes."

"Oh…sure."

When I hung up I stared out of my windshield, repeating over and over, "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God," then the phone rang.

"Okay," I said.

"What is it?" he asked. "Calling to tell me you're pregnant?"

I am shocked. Does he know? How can he?

"Still there?" he said, his voice so cold. "Well are you?"

"I don't know why I called. I…miss you."

"You told me to get out. Actually you did me a favor. After your little revelation, I wanted to get out."

"Edward, I…."

"You said, 'We.' 'We called you a turkey, or whatever the fuck. Was there another guy in this? That Mike maybe? Were you two using me? Did you just want my sperm, or did you want money? God, I was such a fool, such a…."

"There's no other guy," I shouted. "There was just me. Just my fucked up plan, no one else. My sister Alice…."

"You and your sister?"

"No."

"I don't want to hear it. Just tell me you're not pregnant and we don't ever have to speak to one another again."

"Don't worry. You don't owe me anything."

"Good. That's a relief. I said I didn't know you, but you don't know me either. If you did…I could never…ever have a kid out there that was mine…mine," he yelled the word mine, "and…." He seemed unable or unwilling to finish. He had choked on emotion.

"Edward…."

"No. You listen to me…you used me? You're a bitch. You're a fucking bitch. I thought I loved you. But you're a cold bitch. Don't call me. Don't come around me. I don't want to see you. I don't want to know about you."

I was nodding, but I couldn't speak.

"It was never real with you," he was crying now, but from rage it seemed.

"It was real," I hissed, crying and nearly hysterical. "It was real for me. I loved you. I love you."

"You're not listening!" he yelled. "No more of your bullshit."

There was a long pause. I kept waiting for him to hang up first, because I couldn't.

"Edward…are you going to marry her?"

Another long pause. He swallowed hard, and spoke in a wrecked voice, "I'm trying to believe it…it doesn't seem real. I never wanted to…just have kids out there like…like I was. I was reckless"

"Edward, I…."

"No, listen…this kid never asked for any of this, so I need to step up and I am."

"Alright Edward. I have to go. Take care." I hung up. I couldn't listen anymore. The tears. I couldn't tell him. How could I tell him?


	21. Chapter 21

Turkey Baster 21

It was deep fall, my favorite time of the year, and I felt a new kind of hope. And as much as I missed Edward, grieved him according to Angela, I had a growing sense of mission about life I'd never known before. One big factor was that I was making good progress on accepting my situation.

Angela had me draw up my circle of support. On it I'd written everyone who was there for me, everyone I could count on as I prepared myself for the arrival of my baby. I listed doctors and nurses and caregivers and friends, family and co-workers. It wasn't a huge list, but it was a good practical list. I had reasonable security, good health insurance, a decent apartment, resources for purchasing needed equipment and clothing, and company sponsored childcare in my building, and I'd scheduled my pregnancy leave.

Because the sperm had been free, the money I'd saved for the actual reality of baby sat untouched. I wasn't rich, but I was sound. I was good. And if I'd used artificial means and not the complications of a human being I would have been light years ahead and able to make this whole thing work as originally planned, but Edward Cullen in the flesh had essentially blown my plan out of the water and left me reeling. But I was coming down to earth.

And, I'd had no idea how the pregnancy itself would change me. I wanted my child. Boy did I.

It happened when the doctor let me hear the heartbeat. In that instant the mother in me breathed her first audible breath. And I grew more fiercely protective of my baby everyday. Hence the animosity about my baby's potential step mother. No, hell no, and hell, hell no.

Angela assured me that there were some wonderful, sacrificial step-parents out there. She gave me books. She pointed them out at church and tried to hook me up so they could tell me their stories.

But how to comfort myself when I remembered the hostility Tanya had directed toward me that day at Edward's bar. He had left her to come to me. She wasn't going to forget that or forgive it, especially once she found out I was pregnant. And if Edward married Tanya, that guaranteed her a place in my child's life, and after what I'd been through with Phil, I couldn't be hopeful.

All the more reason Edward couldn't find out about the baby. And I knew that was irrational.

Today on the high school track, on this beautiful brisk Saturday morning, I followed Angela's gold colored work out pants. Her feet made very little noise as they hit the rubber track. "I told him if I smelled alcohol on his breath one more time on a Sunday morning, he was suspended. I mean jeez-Louise…it's church, you know?"

She hadn't noticed I'd stopped. I had my hands on my knees. Two other joggers went breezing past me.

I was past the hurling phase. I hadn't hurled for a month. But I was out of breath.

Angela had jogged back to me. "Okay…I'm talking to myself." She kept her feet going.

"Yeah," I straightened, "I need to walk for a while."

So I walked, and she fake-jogged next to me.

"How many more times around?" I kind of whined. The track was busy, but not overly crowded.

"Two more times?" she said. "That would give us four miles. That should ease my guilt over that cherry pastry yesterday," she said. "So tell me again about getting your car worked on."

"You just want me to talk cause you're out of breath, too."

"No, really. I love it when you're bad-ass."

"Well…it was kind of bad-ass," I said proudly, thinking of how I refused to pay until they actually fixed the mysterious rattle.

"You what…like went in there..."

"And they were acting like I came in naked…I hate that place. You could feel them jacking off in the corners or something."

"Oh, we are so going in there with light sabers…."

"And….." Me.

"Bella!" I knew that voice. Instinctively my hands went to my stomach.

"Rose," Angela said. Her eyes darted to my stomach, too. I'd just started to show a bump, and being kind of skinny from all the throwing up, this bump was very pronounced. But it didn't show so much with my jacket tied around my waist so I hoped I was good.

"I thought that was your ass," Rose said laughing as she caught up. I didn't miss her eyes also darting to the place where my jacket was tied around my middle.

She knew.

"It's an ass of distinction," Angela said to me smiling.

"Aren't we all," I said to Rose. Only Rose would bring a Latte to her workout.

"I talked to Alice and she told me her good news," Rose said.

I missed a beat, and the worst terror speared me. When she'd said, 'good news,' I thought at first she was blurting it right out there, the news of my pregnancy. Then I calmed down and heard her. She meant Alice's news.

"Yeah, cancer free," I said. This was the best thing to come out of the Alice/Jasper camp in two years. The joy of it fueled the strength I felt now.

The three of us started to walk then. Rose's hair was in a long ponytail, and she wore a pink workout jacket and black pants. "Since when do you jog?" I asked, waiting for the bomb to fall between us.

"No, no. I walk," she held up her coffee, "Em jogs." Right on cue, he started to pass us.

"Hey ladies," he said, a little wave. I hadn't seen him since I'd scoped his records and gone to Bella Italia that day. The day I ran into Edward, too. So seeing Emmett was attached to that memory. It hurt me and panicked me all in one.

He passed us and left us behind as we stared at him looking pretty awesome in his silver shorts. "He's in fine form," Angela said and we all laughed.

Rose said, "Ah yes. Fine, fine form." We laughed again. If a pack of guys did this to me, I'd be looking over my shoulder and running faster, but Emmett was too far to hear us, I hoped.

Rose was sipping. "Oh," she said, holding her hand out, fingers spread, diamond winking in the sunlight on her third finger.

"What?" Angela kind of screamed.

I wanted to be happy for her, even though things had flat-lined between us. I wanted to pretend this didn't mean there would be no escaping a connection to Edward through her now. I didn't want to feel my baby was somehow threatened by this, that Edward would find out now and hate me even more, and ultimately try to get custody or something. The scenarios in my head were endless. Who would have thought it would go this way, that my former best-friend would end up being my most threatening relationship?

"Bella?" Rose had been speaking to me, but I'd been lost in thoughts.

"What?"

"I said it will be a spring wedding. You know spring this year will be full of surprises. Just full, right?"

Angela's looked at me briefly. "Should we run?" Then to Rose, "Bella and I are timing ourselves. I'm training for a half marathon and she's my carrot," meaning she was the greyhound and I was her carrot. Actually it was the other way around, but since this was all bullshit, every bit of this conversation, what did it matter?

"Sure," Rose said rolling her eyes, "we haven't seen each other in months and I just told you I'm getting married, but go be a carrot, Bella."

"You know what Angela? Go on, I'll catch up." Me.

"Sure?"

"Yeah. Go on. I'm kind of tired anyway."

"Pregnancy will do that," Rose said, into her little cup-hole, her satanic microphone.

Angela had been running backwards before us, pumping her arms, and now she just stopped.

"Rose," she said, but nothing else.

"Don't you have a carrot to chase?" Rose.

"Angela, just go. Run. I've got this. But I might need a light saber, so…."

"It is a circular track Swan. I'll be back," she said, taking off with one or two glances over her shoulder.

"Your new bestie?" Rose said.

"I wouldn't say new," I replied.

Rose smirked. Emmett passed us again, pumping his guns for her.

"Were you going to tell me?" she asked.

I looked around the track, then noticed how blue the sky was. "No. I knew you'd find out eventually…like this…or Alice. But no, I didn't have any desire to tell you. I wasn't not telling you…I just wasn't telling you."

"That last statement is so Bella."

"Yeah. Well, just stop there. Don't really hear that I had no desire to share the most amazing event in my life this far," ignoring Edward, of course, "with you...just hear my unique…sentence structure or something."

She took another noisy sip of her coffee, then walked to the side of the track and pitched her cup in a barrel. I didn't stop to wait for her, so when someone jogged beside me, I just assumed it was her. But it wasn't. It was Emmett.

"Hey Miss Bella," he said, his eyes blue and clear. He was very handsome but also very open and approachable. I got why Rose had fallen. I got it.

"So…." I said.

Angela stopped then. "Light saber?" she asked.

"Ah, no," I said. "It's good."

"One more time around," she told me, and took off.

"It's not an accident that we're here," he said. "Do you really think Rose would come jogging on a beautiful Saturday morning when she could be sleeping in wearing that blue silk eye-mask thing?"

"How did you know I'd be here?"

"She knew. She said you'd be one of a couple of places, and you were here."

I nodded, not completely satisfied. I could feel all control, all illusion of control slipping away. I believed he was there ready to make me an offer I couldn't refuse. Because if Rose knew, he knew, and if he knew he had his boy's back. Edward knew.

"You gotta tell him, Bella."

"You mean you haven't?"

"No. I don't want to touch this one," he said, all sad grins.

We were both walking now, and slowly.

"I want to tell him. Don't you think I do? But…he said he couldn't have a child out there…so how do I…?"

"Bella, he'll do the right thing for Tanya's kid. That's how he'll see it. It won't matter what's right for him. Trust me on this."

"Then why was he so careless?"

"That's his contradiction. Fact is, he's made two babies, and neither one is covered."

"By what? Health insurance?"

He laughed. "By him."

"What about Tanya's baby?"

"Bella, he'll marry her. She's using this to make sure he does. It's all about the money with her. That's all it's ever been."

"I'm not letting her be my child's step-mother. This is my baby. Mine. I had a step-parent who hated me, and she is not going to get the chance to take all of her hate for me out on my baby. I'll leave the country before I let that happen."

"Bella," he had his hand on my arm, "listen to me. You now why Edward was so good at baseball, really?"

"I don't know…he had talent," I snapped, not wanting to play this game.

"Yeah. He was good at a lot of things…still is. But baseball made sense to him. I really think that was it. Bella, it's all baseball for Edward. When he was on the field…life made sense to him. So level the playing field for him."

"Okay…my brain is too tired…."

"Tell him. There's no way you can not tell him. If he hears it from me, he'll see you on the other team. You've got Tanya who he doesn't love, but he's going to marry to give his baby a father. You've got you who he once adored and I believe still could and you're pregnant with his child, too. Tell him…and he'll know what to do."

"You're serious?"

"Yes. You can't withhold this from him. He'll go to her because of the child. But if you also have a child, his child, it'll change the game. Level the field."

"But it's not a game," I said.

"Bella. It's Edward. It's all baseball. He'll make a critical decision because he'll see everyone on the field. He needs the truth, and it has to come from you."

I stopped walking, and he took off jogging. Then he said over his shoulder, "His bar has its grand opening Monday night. He'll be there."

I saw Rose at the gate to the parking lot waiting for him. When she saw me looking, she waved. It didn't occur to me to wave back. Monday was only three days from now. Was he already in town?

Angela came beside me then.

"You set this up," I said, staring after Rose and Emmett. He had his arm around her. She would never cuddle into someone's armpit sweat like that, not even Royce's. She really loved this guy.

"Are you mad?" Angela asked.

We started to walk to the gate. "I feel nothing right now."

She held the gate for me and we went through. I untied my jacket and slid it up my shoulders.

"Rose came to see me yesterday and we had quite a talk. She was angry that she found out about the baby through Alice. She was also angry that I had been conspiring with you to shut her out…and more importantly Edward. She seems to think I'm your puppet master. I told her that I wasn't going to discuss your business with her unless the three of us agreed to meet and discuss the issues. She said the one who urgently needed to speak with you was Emmett. I said she should get in contact with you herself. Then she told me that Emmett was going to go to Edward, but she talked it over with him and they both decided it should come from you. Then Emmett knew exactly why and wanted to share that with you. I thought it over, and told her we'd be here this morning."

"Why did she have to tell Emmett?"

"I don't know the answer to that. But since he already knew, I figured you needed to hear him out. We both know you have to tell Edward eventually, so it's not like I made anything happen, really."

"I don't understand why Rose didn't just come to me."

"I think she was trying to do the right thing. In her own way. She had some emotions to work through finding out like she did. I think she realized how estranged you've become. But you need to ask her."

I shared with Angela what Emmett said. We were in her car now.

"What do you think? Are you going to tell him?" 

"My motive isn't to trick him into choosing me." I looked at her. "You didn't hear him on the phone. He has nothing but contempt for me. I love him. But whatever happens between us…I'll be okay. I don't expect anything," I told her. "Then there's the step parent thing. I'll never let Tanya have my child. I'll fight them."

"Let's be real on this. Who will make the better step mother, you or her?"

"Me, of course. I would never treat a child unfairly, not after what I went through."

"Then let's cut the crap, Bella. Get in there and play."

"Curveball," I whispered. Could I do it?


	22. Chapter 22

Turkey Baster 22

The music was easy to listen to. I went in alone. It was crowded and the hum of conversation and laughter laid underneath some country singer's voice as he droned about going home for the summer. Beneath my short black leather jacket I wore a chiffon dress that was such a light blue it was nearly white, with a spill of artistically splashed orange and blue on the v-necked front, hippie shiek. It was blousey but not over-full, and the hem was irregular, slightly longer in the back than the front, and black knee length boots with a modest heel.

I almost wore Alice's shoes, but come on. It was a casual look, and I needed the confidence it gave me. I wore my hair down, off my face, letting it part where it wanted to.

I was trying not to cry. Being in the bar, this bar was so emotional for me. My hand kept going to my stomach, and I had to remind myself not to touch there.

Emmett was here. He had wanted to drive me, but I'd insisted on meeting him. He waved, and I started to work my way toward him in the corner booth. Edward's booth.

I kept my eyes on McCarty, but I couldn't see who sat across from him, but I knew, as soon as someone moved and I saw the hair, grown out now, the back of his head, the place where his hair curled a bit against his neck.

Him. I felt panicked. I wanted to run out but I kept moving toward him.

I stopped. But I saw Emmett mouth, "Bella," and Edward's head snapped around, he stood, and tripped a little getting out of the booth, then I lost sight of him for a minute, and then he was right in front of me.

For a beat, nothing, but looking at one another. Then someone nudged him and we collided, and he put his hands on my arms. I had my hands in my jacket pockets. I was looking up at him. He was close, his eyes, hate for sure, regret maybe, I didn't know.

His beard pushing through just a bit, his lips, words on them he'd never speak in this public place, words I might not be able to take. His nostrils flaring a bit with each breath, but the heat in his green eyes, the heat. And his smell, the soap on his skin in the v of his shirt, the two or three wiry copper hairs there, and the hollow at the base of his neck, how I'd licked it, liked it, rode him, loved him, screamed into his skin, letting his pores capture the sound.

He wasn't mine.

"Come with me," he said. He pulled me along, through the crowd, ignoring a couple of people who tried to stop him and say hello, ignoring one of the bartenders who shouted a question, to the back, that path we'd taken before.

We went all the way down the hall this time. I couldn't believe I was back here with him. It was dark. He dug in his pocket, produced keys, fumbled with them to find the right one, and I thought of the motel room, and other times we'd gone through doors like this together. And I loved his ear, and his sideburn, but I mustn't touch, but I'd whispered there, oh I love you, love me, and he'd slid in and out and the friction and the wet, oh the wet…he cursed softly, and I leaned against the door's frame. Those hands, so awkward with keys, so accurate with me, touching deep while I shuddered, pushing into my secrets, moving, smoothing, playing me, stretching me.

Then success as he turned the jingling ring of keys, and he led me into another dark room. He threw the pile of keys on a table or something and kicked the door closed.

Just breathing. "I'll find the light."

My hand reached for him. "Don't."

And until I heard the words I didn't know what I was going to say, but I said, "Are you going to marry her?"

"What are you doing here? I…what are you doing here?"

"I came here for you. What do you think?"

"Why? I told you…."

I tore off my jacket then, let it drop, pushed my stomach against him.

"Don't," he said.

"Feel me," I whispered, my hands around his neck, my body pushed into his. "Feel me pressing against you." I knew the dress was thin, thin.

"I don't have time to be here with you," but his hands were at my waist, on either side, settling there, but fisted.

"Feel me. Make yourself feel what's different."

He pressed his fists into my sides. "You're not using sex again. Been there, had that."

"You're not listening," I threw his words back at him. "Put your hand between us, on my stomach."

He shoved his hand between us, starting at my breasts, where he lingered, his knuckles pressing into their new fullness. His other hand was flat on the small of my back, holding me to him. I swallowed loudly. Then he slowly moved his hand down my body to my stomach. My eyes had adjusted to the scant streetlight from the high up window. He kept his eyes locked to mine. When he reached my stomach, he flipped his hand in the cramped space.

More staring. My heart hammered, as did his, a great throbbing between us. Then he slid down my body and dropped to his knees. He gathered my dress, crushing it in his hands as he lifted it and exposed me. He looked at the obvious swell of skin that showed between my undershirt and my panties.

For silent seconds he looked, and I dared to place my hands on his shoulders. I stood there, in the dark, his hands on me so deliberately it was starting to hurt, but he'd gathered my dress, and stared at my stomach. I couldn't breathe. I watched him coming to terms.

I don't know how long I stood there, tears running down my face, splashing onto him more than once. My head was bowed over him, and slowly, his arms slid around me, stacked one atop the other, and first I felt his soft lips against my skin, kissing the place where the baby grew. Then his cheek, and its stubble, a hundred small pricks in the same place as he held me, and my hand moved from his shoulder to his hair, and I ran my fingers through the long silky disarray.

"I have only two emotions for you Bella, love or hate. I can't be passive about you. I can't. I've spent all this time trying to hate you, and the minute Emmett said you were here, before I even laid eyes on you, I knew I loved you. What am I going to do, Bella? What do I do now?" he whispered.

"I don't know." Nothing more to say. He moved back from me and stood.

"I have to get back out there," he said, turning from me, rubbing over his face, but I wanted his hands on me.

"Yeah, sure. I'll just…."

"Did you know? That day you called…did you know about this?" he gestured to my stomach. I was smoothing my dress over it.

"Yes," I said. "But how could I tell you?"

"I…I didn't know what I was dealing with." He looked at me then, "But I know you more now. I've looked into you, baby. You could say, 'obsessed.'"

"Why? I don't…maybe I deserve it…but I wish you could have come to me."

"How could I do that? I wasn't even sure I could trust you. But I know things now…about your sister…how you wanted to have a child for her. That's what you never told me. But Rose did. She fought hard for you. She's been in my face like a maniac. It's still fucked, it's fucked, Bella. But I get it. It was easy to find out about the pregnancy. When I asked, you never answered, and I said, 'fuck this. This girl isn't capable of telling me the truth.' Mike was only too glad to keep me current."

"You…you mean you've known about the baby?"

"Do you really think I could have taken it this casually?"

"You haven't been casual," I said, looking quickly around for my jacket.

"You don't get to run away yet. I'm not finished."

I found my jacket. "I am," I said.

He grabbed my arm before I reached the door. "Settle down."

"It's weird. You checked up on me like…you looked into all of my business?"

"Yeah. Like you did to Emmett. Yeah, Mike saw it. Like Rose did to me. Yeah, she told me."

"So why did I come here? Emmett and Rose…did they know you're your own little FBI? That you already knew about the baby?"

He smiled. "I told Emmett. Not Rose. She admitted she knew when he confronted her. That's when she went all crazy. That was his call. I didn't need her. I had…well I have Mike. As soon as he knew…I knew. All that for season tickets. And I told Emmett what to say. I set this up. I got you to come here tonight. I wanted to see this body all swollen with my baby. Mine." He put his hand on my arm and gave me a little shake. "You're beautiful, just like I knew you would be. You already were. Love was all over you. Now this, this is another stage, those hips you just showed me, those long soft legs in those boots? If my baby wasn't already in there, I'd be putting one in tonight. I'd do it bare, I'd do it hard, and I wouldn't stop to ask questions. You'd either tell me…or I'd tell you. But one thing, one thing, I won't be marrying Tanya. It's you. It's always been you. It will always be you. Your lips, your skin, your eyes, your hair, your heat, your pink, tight, crazy, euphoric self. Does that answer your questions, Bella Swan, Bella heartbreak, Bella heart-fuck, Bella Swan?"


	23. Chapter 23

Turkey Baster 23

We had been in this room in Edward's bar, in the dark, for too long. He finished telling me he'd been obsessed with finding out about me. And he knew. All along he was controlling this. And he'd told me what he'd do to me, and it pissed me off, even as I understood. And wanted him.

"Don't take me for granted," I said.

"That's been your department," he said, pulling me to him. "I'm tired of staying away from you. Won't do it anymore. Want you with me. Starting over. Doing it better. No secrets." He had his arms around me. His mouth almost on my own, his lips soft, warm, eager, bold and taking. My world.

"I'm mad," I whispered, my fists against his shoulders.

"Don't care. Doesn't change…not the last time I'll make you mad."

"Back at you." I touched his bottom lip with a light kiss.

He came in to crush his lips on mine, and it was wet and arrogant and possessive, and his hands worked my back, my ass. He kissed down my dress, "This dress," he muttered, he gripped my ass and buried his face in my dress, against my thighs. He nipped me through the dress, and I widened my stance, pulled up the dress, and he kissed my thighs, licked over me, over my mound, between where I wept for him.

He worked his way back up, my dress bunched and following his onslaught. I was panting, and he reached my breasts and nuzzled his face against me, kissed and bit me lightly, up to my neck, which he knew drove me crazy, and that's what I was, not even aware, just feeling, just melting.

"You cut this," he said, reaching my hair. "Beautiful, you're beautiful, no more cutting though," he mumbled, but I heard him, breathy as it was, between kissing me, licking me, crushing handfuls of my hair in his fists, moving over me, under my dress. "Too long. Wanted you, want you…."

He moved me to a desk, eyes on me, staring in, one hand opening his jeans, finding himself. My legs open, him against me, hard length and soft velvet skin, pushes in to my perfect tight grind between my thighs, the soft skin against his crumpled jeans, "…so wet," he moans, "so hot…hot," I move my legs, his body so close, his skin against me, his rough hair rubbing me, he grunts, hips jerking, no rhythm, just spastic, breathing, and kissing me, grunting and jostling me, his belt buckle jingling.

I cry as I soar with him, sealed and ringing, shouting out, we fly.

"Love," he says, "my love."

"Yes," I echo, "Love you. Love you."

For a long time we are. We just are. Him in the wide v my legs make, his belly against mine and the life he's put there, my hands on his back-press, on his ass-squeeze, all over him. "We can't be apart," I say. "Don't pull out."

He kisses me, solitary uncountable kisses. My lips find his salty neck, against the ear then the other, hands through his hair. His hands on my face, his thumbs stroking my cheeks as he kisses me, as we stand in my scent, connected. One.

Later, he's saying, "I have people here looking to buy this place. Quick turn around…a restaurant downtown. I have to get back in. Be with me. I…want to feel you with me. I've been…there's been an emptiness."

So we right ourselves, and we hold one another. "Your eyes," he says.

"Yours," I answer.

"It's something…us." Him.

"I feel it."

He goes in first. I hit the ladies room to wash up. I look royally effed. But happy. So damn happy. I laugh at myself and smooth over my hair. Water on my face, under my eyes. I'm a little wrinkled, but the chiffon is forgiving. I already miss him, ache for him. I hurry out then.

He waits by the bar. Snatches me as soon as I enter, his arm around my waist, a kiss. And another. Then I'm in his arm and he introduces me to one. To another. He puts a cold bottle of water in my hands. "My fiancé," he says, then he looks at me, big smile.

And I don't say anything. I know what I am. I am completely his.


	24. Chapter 24

Turkey Baster 24

I ended up going the distance with Edward the night of the grand opening at his bar. I did not know him as the businessman, and it was gratifying to listen to him describe the bar, its refurbishment, revenue, projected growth. He was as intelligent as he was fascinating to watch. Though my mind often wandered to the sound of his voice, or the expressiveness of his brow, or the way he moved his hands when he pointed out the detailing behind the bar, or the new sound system that ran behind the mirrored wall, I was in, all in. He had me.

When the evening was winding down and he said good-night to the people in charge of locking up, he asked if we could leave my car there and I would come home with him. "You've got to see where I'm staying," he said.

"It's a work night, and it's already one am."

"Come on, baby. It's been so long, and we've got to talk and this is the perfect place. Come on, baby. Can't you go in late tomorrow, or better yet, not at all?"

"Edward…I've been crawling in there no matter how I feel. My job is very important to me. I need it now more than ever."

"Oh, Bella. Let us be the most important thing tonight. Please."

"Gah, with the pleases." I was a sucker for them, the way his lips kind of ended the word in a long 'z' sound. "I'm crazy, but you have to have me back here by five. That's only four hours from now."

"What's so important you can't take a sick day?" he said.

"I've actually had to take a couple in the past weeks…maybe just a half day."

He put his arm around me and swooped me toward his car. He hit his remote and the car chirped. He opened my door and helped me in, not that I needed it, but oh well. Then he sped around the trunk area. I didn't know if he was just giddy about me, or all the interest his buyers had shown. But he was in high spirits, regardless.

"Wait until you see," he said, punching a number in his phone as he backed out of the lot. "Yeah," he said. "Twenty minutes." Then he snapped it shut.

"What the heck, Edward? You're awfully mysterious."

The anticipation kept us quiet. He held my hand on the console between the seats. I soon realized we were headed for the pier. He parked in one of the numerous lots. He shot me a look of pure pleasure and hurried around to my door. Taking my hand he helped me out. Then he reached for the zipper on my jacket. "Gets chilly out there," he said.

"Out there? As in…out there?" I said pointing to the obvious body of water.

"Hmmm." He took my hand and led me across a grassy strip to the well worn path that led to the boats. I decided to stay quiet as his plan unfolded, wondering how he even had such a plan in the first place. The boat he led us to was a good sized one, and it was running. I'd say it was fifty feet in length, all white, lit softly. He helped me to board, and not the most graceful person in the world, I watched carefully where I placed my feet. We were met by a silver haired man on deck. "This is our captain," Edward told me, "Aro."

Aro took my hand briefly and welcomed me aboard. He was dressed in casual attire that looked more expensive than most of my wardrobe. His Polo shirt was a soft orange, his slacks were white, as were his shoes. Over this he wore a navy blazer. "If there's anything you need, mi'lady, he said, I am at your service."

"Thanks," I whispered.

I looked at Edward like, what the…? It had to be close to two a.m..

Edward was beaming. He ushered me to one of the white leather seats that ran around the deck. There was a cool breeze, and it lifted my hair, and my dress as I sat. I pushed the chiffon against my knees, and Edward sat beside me. Our Captain had disappeared to, I presumed, man the boat.

"Like it?" he asked me, putting his arm behind me and drawing me close. There was another man adjusting the sails. "That's Claude, our one-man crew," Edward told me. Claude gave me a nod, but he had lots to do it seemed, as he adjusted rigging.

"Nice boat," I said.

"A…technically it's a yacht. Anything over 34 feet…it's a yacht." He turned toward me, drawing his bent knee onto the seat. His long arm ran with the small chrome railing along the seats back. I turned toward him a little because my body seemed to operate on its own around him, always gravitating his way. "You said you didn't need to be in the water to appreciate it, so I thought I'd see if you liked being on it."

"How did you plan all of this when you didn't know if…?" I said. He kept grinning. "You did know. You were so sure I'd come to your bar tonight."

"Don't be mad."

"I'm not mad. But Edward…it's always a sprint with us. We've taken off on a run again. You introduced me tonight as your fiancé!"

"I thought you were going to say, we've already had sex. It took us what…ten minutes to get back there?" he laughed a little, his eyes dancing with the lights from the boat. "But it kind of made sense, right? That's how we started before…like hot…like sex."

"Do we really want to begin this time in the same manner?"

He pulled me then, readjusting us so we were turned to the side, me resting in the V his legs made. I had to keep putting my hands on my dress to keep it down so I tucked it tight around my legs. We looked out over the dark water, and let the breeze blow into our faces. Every now and then he would turn my face, or I'd turn it on my own and his soft lips would touch mine.

One arm was wrapped around me, the other lower, along the edge of my jacket over my stomach. "So, Bella Swan…will you marry me?"

Now I turned in earnest, bringing my feet back to the floor. He didn't give me time to speak, but his hands had moved, one to the back of my head, one on my arm, pulling me into him. He met me in a long, tender kiss. "Marry me," he said, close to my lips, kissing me again.

"Just because I'm pregnant…?"

"Marry me," he whispered again and his kiss was the all-consuming kind, and it was like I was flying over the water now, wrapped in him, the breeze moving my hair, my dress. I was up on my knees on the seat, hovering over him, and his arms were around me, the middle of my back, over my ass.

When he pulled a few inches away I straightened just a little, just enough to take in his whole face, his beautiful face, his eyes truthful, declaring love and hope to me, that's what I saw there.

"Yes," I said, and the rhythmic sway of the water as the yacht cut through into the night. I slid back to the seat, close to him, lost in him, poured out on his lap, limp in his arms, drunk with him, on him, and he hadn't even cracked the champagne.

But he would, non-alcoholic for me, for him, because we had each other, we had this, we had love.

He reached in his shirt pocket and plucked out a small shiny ring. The band was white gold, encrusted with diamonds and emeralds. The center was a large, slim cut diamond surrounded by emeralds. I didn't have a vast understanding of jewelry, or any understanding, but I knew this was unique and expensive.

"You've had this all night," I said.

"Right over my heart," he said, taking my hand and slipping it on my finger.

"It's so beautiful." I peppered him with kisses.

"It's vintage, from the 1950's," he said between my onslaught.

He remembered I favored that era. "Thank you," I whispered.

We basically necked for the rest of the journey. The sun was coming up as the yacht finally headed to port. It was chilly now, and we sat under a blanket, quiet, watching gulls swoop over the water. I may have nodded off here and there it was so insanely peaceful.

"Yeah," I said after we'd thanked the crew and were walking back to Edward's car, "I might call in today."

We were both wind-blown and weary, but so alive and happy it was ridiculous.

"Want to get breakfast?" he asked. When he saw my expression, I knew I looked like almighty hell, even to go into a Denny's. And tiredness had hit me hard.

"At my place," I amended. I desperately needed my shower, my pajamas, and my bed.

"Gosh I hope I don't lose this," I said, staring at my ring as he drove through the slowly awakening city.

"Just don't ever take it off," he said, smiling when I looked quickly at him to see if he was serious. I'd have to read about how to properly care for something so precious.

Once we were at my apartment I got out before he could open my door. I had to pee. I was running, but he quickly caught up in the hallway, grabbing me around the waist, then remembering about the baby and apologizing, picking me up bridal style.

"Put me down," I said laughing, but embarrassed too. He carefully set me down at my door, and I let us in. He took my jacket first, and then removed his. I went in the kitchen, him on my heels. "Did you want…,"

"Yes," he said, kissing me. "I want it."

"Okay, whoa." I ran to the bathroom saying, "The eggs are in the frig." I did my business, taking a good look at myself in the mirror over the sink as I washed my hands. Surprisingly, even I could see a kind of beauty beneath the exhaustion.

But I felt kind of nasty from our tryst in the bar, and the whole night of being out. I could hear him rattling around in the kitchen, so I went there to see if he could get things going while I showered and changed.

He had a pan on the stove and the eggs out. His feet were bare, and he'd taken the battered white shirt off and was in his undershirt. Before he could turn on the burner, I took his hand and led him to my couch. We sat carefully, then I turned and scooted away, putting my booted feet in his lap. I didn't need to ask. He was already unzipping the first boot. He dropped it on the floor, then undid the second one and set it next to the first.

"These boots…" then he fingered the hem of my silky dress, "this dress…you know I like it. It's like tissue. You're right there." He grinned.

I smiled. "Don't even," I said. "We have so much to talk about, Edward."

"Yeah," he said rubbing over my legs. I wanted to growl it felt so good. "If you don't mind cooking breakfast, I'm going to shower and change into my jammies."

"Whatever you want," he said, "I'm multi-talented. I can cook your food," his hands slid higher, "help you with that shower, lick things, stick things…in things…whatever you need."

He ended up ticking my foot, and I shot up then, laughing. I swung my legs aside and leaned into him. I touched his eyebrow, following the curve of it, moving my finger down the side of his face, into the dip at the base of his throat. "I liked watching you tonight, listening to you. That was a revelation, seeing you in action."

"You mean in the back room?"

I laughed and smacked his shoulder. "No. You know what I mean."

"It felt amazing to have you with me." Him.

"I'm still mad…about a few things."

"Bella, the night you told me about…all the crap, I was pretty stressed. I was rough. I've heard myself a thousand times. I won't be that way with you again. I don't want things to ever get like that between us. I want things on the table. Always. Agreed?"

"There has to be openness. That's why it's been such a mess."

"And…I know you're hurt about Tanya. I don't want you to think this takes away from us having this baby together."

Oh, I wasn't ready to talk about Tanya. "I am going to shower, and you can cook…and lick the spoon and…stick it in the dishwater."

"Aww," he said.

"And we can talk about all of those other things later, okay?"

He helped me to my feet. We kissed and I shoved him toward the kitchen.

"Let me know if you need any of that other stuff."

"Oh, I will," he said, flicking his tongue at the wooden spoon he held and making me laugh.


	25. Chapter 25

Turkey Baster 25

The four of us were seated around a table at a trendy downtown restaurant surrounded by antique brick and exposed ductwork. I was wearing a blue jersey wrap-dress Edward had bought me for the occasion. Edward wore relaxed jeans, a black shirt and a dark blue jacket.

We'd asked Alice and Jasper out to dinner so they could meet Edward, and we could share the news of our upcoming marriage. Alice was still hyperventilating over my ring. Jasper and Edward were talking about Edward's time in the majors.

It wasn't like I'd heard these memories before. But during Edward's story, something about A-ball, B-ball, etc., Alice squeezed my hand. "He's adorable," she whispered to me.

I looked at him. He was adorable, though not broken-in like Jasper, so he would find that description funny.

At that point in Edward's diatribe, I told him Rose had said he was one of the ten most eligible bachelors in the world. He laughed when he heard that. It was just in one city, he said, like that was nothing. And then it was in a financial magazine that was trying to create a female readership, he said laughing.

I winked at him, trying to let him know it was time to be Santa Claus. He took a quick drink of his beer and cleared his throat. "What we wanted to ask is…Bella and I were hoping you would come with us on our honeymoon to Spain. Our treat," he added, as if I'd ever have the funds to take anyone to Spain.

"What the…?" Jasper said.

"When?" Alice asked bolting upright like electricity was running through her chair.

Edward and I had talked, and we didn't want a big wedding. For my part, I wanted Alice and Jasper period. I wanted Angela to marry us simply in the parlor at church. The jury was still out on Rose. I wanted her to attend, and I didn't. But since Edward wanted Emmett, she would be there regardless.

I had never dreamed of a big wedding, or a wedding at all. If I hadn't of met Edward, I could not conceive of marrying another. He was it.

Quick and painless and on a plane to Spain. That was the plan.

So we talked for another hour about Spain. Two years ago I thought I was going to lose my sister. Months of tension after that. Then months of daring to hope. And now more hope. To think she and Jasper might go with us to Spain. I couldn't think of a better way for our marriage to begin. Or theirs.

The evening went well, and the men hit it off. "My sis and Jasper approve of you," I told Edward on the way to my apartment.

"The bribe probably helped," he laughed. His hand stayed on my leg, his fingers gripping me high on my thigh, and eagerly.

"Bribe," I scoffed. "Like you'd need it. It all seems like a fairy tale. Thank you for inviting them," yes, it had been his idea. "Alice's face. Thank you." When I had told him more about her battle with cancer, he said it was a no-brainer to ask them along. "But I've got to tell you…I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop."

"Why do you say that? Do you still not realize how I feel about you?"

"Edward, there's another woman out there…having your baby."

"You think I forget about that?"

"You don't talk about it. You've got like a double header going here."

He smiled and kissed my knuckles.

"Stop it. Stop being…charismatic and charming. You're way too…good looking to work your voo-doo when I'm pouring out my heart, here."

"You think I'm playing you? Not playing. I've been an asshole many times in my life, whole years even, but I'm not being an asshole now."

"Maybe you are. You're a little bit of an asshole. You've got two babies coming. Asshole."

"Whoa!" he laughed but he was taken aback.

I was surprised at how angry I felt. "You don't talk about it."

"What can I say? It comes with me, Bella."

"It's a child, not a suitcase."

"I know that. Baby…come on."

I looked out the window.

He turned then, and pulled off in a rest area and parked.

"Bella, you be just as upset as you need to be. That's only fair. But I thought when you said you'd marry me that you understood I can't take this one back. It isn't fair to this kid that I'd want to. He or she…it's my kid."

"I don't have to be happy about the way it's happening, even as I realize it's not the child's fault," I said.

"I understand that. I understand you can't be all joyful about this."

"What if I'm never happy about it?"

"Bella…if we're going to marry we have to be willing to help each other. I need you to help me with this. Like it or not, this is my child. My attorney has proven paternity. That means once you say, "I do," this child is your step-child. You and my baby are a package, me and this other baby are a package. When we come together, this is our family."

"Is that why you want me to marry you? Did you just look at Tanya and me and take the least annoying?"

"Who says you're the least annoying?"

"Edward!"

"Oh, come on. I thought we understood what this was between us."

"I don't know. It's eating at me more than I knew. I want to give you a child. But hers will be first. It's like…it hurts. And already we're fucked up more than just how fucked up we are as people."

We sat quiet for a minute. He looked out his window. I think he wanted to be turned from me.

I grabbed for his hand. "I think I just had to say it. I just had to blurt it out. I know it sounded bad. But I had to say it."

"I told you, you have a right to be upset."

"Tell me about her…how it was with you two."

"Now? Here?"

"Yes. I'm ready." I hoped I was.

"Well," he cleared his throat. "She…Tanya is an interior designer. I met her on a job a couple of years ago. My mother sent her to look at a penthouse I was staging in a hotel I'd bought. Mom has her own design firm. That's also what brought Tanya to my bar the day you brought my boots to me. She had found the panels for behind the bar. They'd been in a turn of the century barber shop. I had already approved the purchase before we broke up." He pulled my hand to him and spread my fingers over his stomach, pressing my hand against his shirt.

"Just being honest here, okay? I pretty much fell into the relationship. I was drifting, tired of trying to date random women from random places. Really not able to have a relationship with the amount of traveling I was doing. So, at first, here was this woman…who was also connected to home."

"Okay. Details," I said. I wanted to know everything.

He sighed and rubbed up and down my arm. "She would often meet me on jobs. I'm telling you this because I need to get it out. So I drifted into a relationship with her without really…taking responsibility. She was available. Remember I told you I always know what I want? I knew right away there was no future. Right away."

"How did you know?"

"There were signs in her character. The obvious stuff, always late, never at fault for anything, self absorbed. Then there were the things I looked for to prove my points even further. She had vanity license plates with her name. She called herself Tanie on the plates and took two years off her age so she could sit tight at twenty-five."

"Seriously? That was your criteria?"

"It's never failed me."

I guffawed.

He went on, "I'd already suspected narcissism, and that confirmed it. I also dropped in on her unannounced and her place was a pigsty."

"Did you judge me that way?"

"I didn't have to. Okay, but there's more to it than you realize. She liked a good time. She liked the travel. I liked a good time, but more and more our definitions of that were different. I felt myself wanting more, wanting a home. I hadn't had one except for the few years I lived with my adopted parents. Everything I'd done up until then entailed travel—baseball, minors, majors, and now my career. I got really tired. I found myself wanting a person I could count on in a place I could come home to. I found myself entertaining the idea of a family someday…like longing for it, and planning a house…putting some work into my own place rather than all of these other beautiful buildings I had to let go of.

"I had enough money to live comfortably, and realized there was enough work in a two hundred mile area all around me to keep me busy for the rest of my career life. So I started to change my demographic.

"Tanya didn't like it. Honestly, it didn't include her and she knew it. I quit investing myself in the relationship. She had to make most, if not all of the effort. We fought. I was honest. And I was…rude. We kept working together, she persisted. I broke it off, I drifted back toward her cause Mom had asked her to our family holidays, not realizing…and I'd been so busy I didn't take care of my personal life, I didn't have one. Then I broke it off with her again. Still not paying attention to my life, but working like a maniac and she's still showing up, I get sucked into a project and bam here we go again, and now we're back and she's begging/insisting, and I'm expecting a rabbit to be boiling on my stove.

"I'm resenting her and completely indifferent. Somewhere in there she got pregnant because yeah, I'm an asshole. She admitted to me that she thought the old cliché that maybe if she got pregnant I'd…be interested again. She could feel me pulling away, blah, blah. By the time I got my shit together and ended it for good, she was pregnant but I didn't find out until…after I met you.

"That's what she came to tell me when she saw you. She wasn't supposed to be in the bar or be there at all. She had some bogus excuse on needing better measurements for the panels she'd found. That's how it always started. That day you came to the bar and I went after you she went home furious, but realized I meant it. So she called me from home and dropped the bomb on me. Because she never quits. She was on birth control. Always. She made an independent decision to stop it to get pregnant. What can I do?

"Ouch," I say. "I'm just…I feel so stupid."

"I'm not condemning you, I'm telling you about her. I knew I was in love with you. No question. What I didn't know…we don't need to go over it again. But when I thought you'd betrayed me too, I went ballistic. I'd already been played. It was like what happened to you. Her playing me was bad, you playing me was unthinkable. In the end I can only blame myself because…I deserved it."

"I wasn't trying to trap you," I said, "Not that I'm any better."

"She doesn't want my child," he said. "Had it been an actual unplanned pregnancy, I truly think she would have aborted it and I'd be none the wiser. Now that she's made an issue and I've established paternity, she's stuck. She feels rejected, and she's furious. She's playing hardball. Emmett always called it. It's the money. We'll argue a while and I'll try to settle. Hopefully she'll give up custody."

"Wait a minute. She's your child's mother."

"I'll see how she handles the law suit. If she really wants to be a mother, she's going to have to fight for it. If she fights, I'll back down and work out a shared agreement. But if I even get a hint that I'm right and it's all money, I won't stop until I have sole custody."

"Could she just let go like that? Pregnancy can really change a woman. I never wanted to be a mother. After Renee…I admit I'm scared to death. But once I heard the heartbeat it all changed. You don't know about her. Maybe the same thing is happening with her."

"I'll know it if she fights for the child and not just to rip me apart. Right now she's screaming threats, going for full custody just to drive the knife in because her plan didn't work."

We sat in silence.

"Bella, talk to me."

"There's nothing I can say here that doesn't make me a bitch. I understand you want your child, and I agree full custody would be best if she doesn't really care, but I would never want to take a child from its mother. On the other hand, I'm already scared to death to have a baby, and…I'll have two." I was threading my fingers together.

"We'll have two," he pried my nervous hands apart and grabbed one in his. "I plan to be there, too. I've been working a new game-plan for the last year. The bar will sell, and the restaurant will be my next long term project. We can make it work. If you want to go back to work you can, and I'll step in. If you want to stay home, I'll be more hands on at work, but I'll be home, too."

I nodded, but there was no denying how over-whelmed I felt.

"Edward…I just want to say here…no matter how upset I am over the way we've both…screwed things up…I'll never take it out on the child. Never. I promise you that. I may be disappointed, and really pissed off…depending on the type of day I'm having…and to be honest, I still haven't really made peace with it all, but I will work everyday of my life to treat your child with Tanya as my own. I want you to know that. I'd never marry you if I couldn't say that. I'll keep working on myself no matter how long it takes to get this as right as I can. But I need you to promise me something, too."

He fell toward me then, and put his arms around me. "Anything."

"However this falls out…I won't live in a warzone. If you don't get what you want, however disappointed, I don't want it to be the big thing. I don't want to live with this woman swirling our existence around her need to be in your life. Whatever happens, we make the best of it, we focus on what we have…what we get to have…and we roll. No war."

He nodded. "Alright."

"This is going to take real effort," I said.

He nodded again.

"Do you promise? This is what you are saying when we take those vows. You are promising me this. I am not going to enter your war with her. We are not going to center around her. We are not going to discuss her in a negative way. She is who she is. She doesn't get to be the elephant in our marriage."

He nodded again. "I promise you. I swear."

"Alright. Then…maybe we have a chance?"

He kissed me. "Yeah. I like you. I like the way you think. You're…wise."

I laughed. "I haven't been. You know this. But I plan to grow and I want someone who will grow with me."

"Count me in," he said.


	26. Chapter 26

Turkey Baster 26

As I expected, Rose was coming to my wedding with Emmett. She came over the following Wednesday morning at six a. m., knowing I'd be home getting ready for work. When I opened my front door she was standing there holding a garment bag and an overnight case. "He didn't sleep over, did he?"

I was still staring at her when she breezed past me saying, "You surely wouldn't wear those ratty pajamas in front of him. I thought I'd get ready while we talked."

She was already half-way to my bedroom as I closed the door and said, "Ooookay."

Her bag was on my bed, and she was unzipping it, removing her clothing.

She turned to me then, her pants in one hand, shoes in another. She took in a big breath and let it out quick, tears filling her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"What the hell?"

"For not being straight up. I…I'm not going to blame the cancer. But if I'm honest…I think I went a little crazy. The last time we talked, I was crazy. I knew I'd mishandled things…I was selfish and I wasn't there for you. I blamed you for everything."

"I don't know what happened to us."

"As painful as it was…I think it had to happen. Or I'd still be swirling around in bitterness over Royce…and you'd be on date five hundred and ten finding all the reasons why it's better to be alone."

"Okay. Been there. Heard that." I was stuck in position, weight on one leg, arms folded across chest. I wasn't in the mood to do a big, long, but I thought, but you said.

"I think we deserved one another. We earned each other. But I'm changing. And I," she flailed her hand toward me, "know you are."

"Well, if Angela is right about God having a sense of humor…we're going to be in each other's lives. Emmett and Edward…besties." I held my hand up, pointer and middle fingers entwined.

"Yeah, if our relationship is in the toilet, we can lean on theirs to keep us together."

"Poetic, as always, but…yeah."

"You're getting married. You're pregnant. Where the hell have I been? You're my girl." She held out her arms, and I obediently walked into them. It was a starter hug, not going in to level two where she'd rest her head on mine, not like that, disintegrating into a level three hug, boobs on boobs and the snotty cry. It was no where near any of that, but was like a bro-hug, a quick embrace, all shoulders, and a pat or two, then break—a truce.

We talked then. Other than Rose's eyes getting shiny, we didn't cry. And that's saying a lot because I went from laughing to crying in seconds these days. We both had to be on the road by six-thirty, and she'd timed it well, just giving us enough minutes to say what we must before we might deteriorate into anything regrettable. So I drove to work with hope that at least my wedding would not be awkward. And for the first time I felt like it would be good to have my friend there.

I married Edward Cullen. The brevity and simplicity of the ceremony heightened the vows. That's basically all it was, him promising me, me promising him, everyone beaming at us witnessing the words we'd spend the rest of our lives trying to understand, his sweaty beautiful hand holding me together as he slipped the diamond and emerald band on top of my engagement ring.

We spent our first night at my apartment. He wanted to rent the honeymoon suite at a fancy hotel, but I wanted my own bed that last night before we embarked on our trip. Call me romantic, but you'd be lying. Pregnancy had made me lazy. I didn't want to have to transport my luggage to a hotel for one raucous night, then from a hotel to the airport. Having him in a gilded atmosphere was no more necessary than him having me in the lingerie he kept on me all of two minutes. But oh, the sex did not lack for taking place on my own Serta. And chair. And sofa.

The next day it took the entire flight to Spain for me to believe it had really happened. I was Mrs. Edward Cullen. Or, Bella Cullen, as I preferred to be called. If we weren't sleeping we were whispering or staring at one another. What we were saying was scandalous or sweet, depending on where we were on the sexually stimulated bubble we lived in.

In Madrid we did have atmosphere. Edward had picked a five star hotel and we had the honeymoon suite. Jasper and Alice had a suite that was nearly as nice as ours. Theirs was gold, ours was orange. Ours made me hungry, while Alice's felt opulent.

We slept the first night and most of the following day. For lunch we ordered room service. Around ten pm we began to walk to one of the club districts to meet up with Alice and Jasper. We had veered off the beaten path to walk up a long flight of stairs leading to a terrace with a great view of the city. As we ascended, another couple passed us, smiling and greeting us. Once they left we were alone. We had a few sweet minutes there to greet the city lights. When we were leaving, two men came out of the shadows and walked toward us. They spoke to us in Spanish, but Edward hadn't been able to hear them clearly. He'd pushed me behind them and spoke sternly. The men stopped and looked at one another and said a couple of words, then the taller one started to advance.

I felt Edward tense. He reached behind and took my hand and we continued for a few steps toward the street below, but when I looked behind, the men were coming quickly.

I heard Alice call to us from the street. I hadn't noticed her and Jasper there. Jasper started to run up the stairs toward us, yelling in Spanish. I turned to see the two strangers running away.

"Holy shit!" Alice exclaimed, completely out of breath, but reaching me to grab on.

"Bandits," Edward said, out of breath. "We need to report them."

So we did, spending out first real hour in the local police station giving a description of the robbers and making a report.

After that, we were more on our guard, deciding it was best to stick together. The police gave us tips for safety, and Edward, who had extensive travel experience admitted he had let his heart lead when his head knew better.

I would not soon forget how protective he'd been, how authoritative. And Jasper, as always, ready to take a bullet for me and now Edward.

I loved them all so much. Our momentum was a little daunted, but our friendship stronger than ever. Yet as we hit the first club, I turned my rings to the inside of my hand where they stabbed at Edward on the dance-floor until the wee hours of morning.

At that first club Jasper and Edward ordered raciones— dishes we could all share, warm rice and meats wrapped in bread. Edward wore loose fitting jeans and Jasper wore khaki colored pants. Jasper had on a cream colored short sleeved shirt, and Edward, my husband, wore white. They were similar in build with Edward a little bit more of everything. Alice and I wore dresses, hers pink and flowy, mine orange, a shade that was similar to our room. Edward loved this color with my hair. He had bought this for me, and I knew it was a nine hundred dollar dress. I was scared I would spill some spicy sauce on it before the night was through.

We danced every place we went. The bars in this historic section of Madrid were covered in tile. We had tapas at every place we spent time in. Edward fed me delicious bits of squid, bull's tail, and potato omelet. The men had wine with everything, but Alice, still on medicine, and I for obvious reasons, drank water.

My hips pretty much locked onto Edward's for a good part of the experience as we toured the clubs into the wee hours. By four in the morning, Edward and I stood on one of the club's terraces, me against the stone fence, him behind, his arms around me as we watched the sun throw its first rays of light over the sprawling city. He was kissing along my ear and neck, and I laid my head back on him, my hands over his arms. I wore a wrap but it was chilly here as it was late in the season. He was telling me how much he loved me, and how horny he was from all the rubbing around on the dance floor, and how my butt-cheeks quivered when I danced, and I said, 'ew,' and he said it was adorable, and I said that's what Alice called him the night they met, and then he said 'ew,' and we laughed.

Then he described how gigantic my nipples were getting, and how it drove him crazy and when he looked at me, he thought of them, and he wanted to lick them, he was going to as soon as he could get me away.

"Licking nipples in Spain weakens the brain," I whispered.

"Licking nipples in Spain gives my dick pain," he counter whispered.

So we were laughing when I noticed my sister and Jasper far away on the other side of the terrace, and they had their heads together laughing. "Do you know how happy it makes me to have them here?" I said. "You are my three favorite people in the world."

"I like them," he told me. "They have guts."

"Good thing after what they've been through."

"You too," he said.

"Not like them. Rose said they have one brain, but it's more than that. They have one soul, I think."

"I want that," he said.

I nodded and looked at him over my shoulder, "Me too."

He kissed me then. I was just moving into it when Alice said my name.

"Bella, we're going to take off."

"Okay," I said.

"Be careful going back," Jasper said, and he shook Edward's hand.

"See you tonight for dinner," I said.

"Yep." She gave me a little wave. "We're in Spain!"

We all laughed. Edward and I resumed our position, him nuzzling my neck, me watching the sun burn red over Madrid. Then we turned and grabbed a table so we could have hot chocolate and fritters and feel the warmth of a new life.

Edward and I finally dragged out of bed around one in the afternoon. We ordered a light lunch from room service and while we dressed casually, both in jeans, we nibbled. Next we went to an art museum, and after an hour we left and took a languid walk to the capital. We caught a quick street performance there, and ate at a small café, once again taking advantage of terrace dining. Live music accompanied our meal, and the breeze made me happy and sleepy, and it moved his hair in delicious ways. Here the red hues in his hair seemed more pronounced. Same sun as at home, but was I just now noticing the several shades that gave him the unique color I loved?

He clicked a picture of me languishing, my fork in my hand, but myself just kind of sitting there, just being. "You look so beautiful, I had to snap that for my collection."

"You have a collection," I asked. He wore a blue shirt, and his sunglasses were hanging over the first undone button.

"Yeah. I started it while you were asleep on the plane. I've added a few since. I'll let you see them sometime. Maybe."

"I hope my nipples don't make an appearance."

"That's my other collection." He raised his brows.

I had kicked off my shoe and my bare foot was tunneled as high as it could go up the leg of his pants. "Did you capture any poses from this morning?" I said, bringing my fork to my mouth finally.

He pointed to his temple smirking, "Right here. Heavy on the color pink and its various shades as I recall. Lots of circles, curves. Soft. Innocent. Like Chagall's work." We'd just looked at Chagall's display at the museum.

"I don't know…the yellow violin, perhaps?" I sat up straight, smoothing my hand down my side, exaggerating the dip of my waist and fanning over my hip.

"Voluptuous saints," he gestured to his chest, his hands mimicking holding two round breasts.

"Hmmm. I hope that's a compliment, and not some weird religious fetish."

"It's both," he said with conviction before he smiled in his glass then took a big drink.

That night we went to another club district and danced like the night before. I wore a white sleeveless dress with two extra pleats in front. It cost a ridiculous amount, Edward again, but simple as it was, it made me feel beautiful. Jasper and Alice had already moved down the street as Jasper wanted to hear the band that was playing a few clubs away. I'd had a couple of non-alcoholic cocktails, and Edward had drunk the same things only with alcohol so already he had a certain shine in his eyes. We were salsa dancing, or he was, and I was going along, laughing and loving the push of his gyrating hips. "You're hard," I sang.

"You're mmm," he sang back. His hair was curling up with the heat, and he looked so beautiful I wished I had my phone so I could take another picture of him. We had few of the sites of Madrid, but many close ups of one another. "That's what salsa dancing is…or dancing in general. It's sex, baby. Don't let anyone tell you any different. It's feeling each other up and making each other crazy."

"You just ruined dancing for me. When I think of all the creeps I've had to dance with."

"Not anymore. Now you've got me. Now you can let go." He pushed me away and spun me around, and slammed me back against his body.

"You're like a Spanish John Travolta," I said, and we laughed and we gyrated and he felt me up, and I got so turned on.

"Let's do it," I said, "Somewhere…now…like we can do…standing, like that first time."

He spun me again, and when I came back he put his hands on my ass and ground into me. Someone tried to cut in, and he said no, but he kept his eyes burning into mine.

"Maybe he'll fuck me," I said.

That was it then, he grabbed my hand and pulled me from the dance floor. He took me down a hall, and he tried one door, but it was locked. Then someone called to us in Spanish, and he said, "Restroom," and they told us where, and he took me to that hallway, and past the restroom doors, and it got quiet, and there were two locked doors, one of which went outside. He pulled me back toward the dance-floor, but veered off in the kitchen. Two of the workers spoke rapidly at us, and Edward answered them just as urgently and they pointed. We went through the crowded kitchen to a back screen-door and he pulled us out there. It was a small yard with a couple of dumpsters. It was lit, except in the far corner where a wooden gate closed it off to the sidewalk beyond. On that sidewalk was a fairly good stream of pedestrian traffic also club hopping like us. The gate was flush with the building, and the dumpsters were in the first line of vision should anyone come from the kitchen to the yard. He led me there, pushed me against the wall of the club next to the fence. It was private, but not completely, and people passed in the dark just a couple of feet away, though they could not see us if we stayed quiet. I lifted my dress, my white dress, and he lifted his white shirt enough to undo his pants, while he stared at the place he wanted to be and he hoisted me up and pressed himself between my spread legs, moving me up a little more, bracing me under the ass, and he filled me. His groan was a whisper, but it undid me. They say women are crock-pots and that's a crock. With him, I had cum on the plane here and he had only been grazing my nipple. He had talked me into it. The friction of closing my legs while he watched had been enough. So when I came right away on this wall with all of him in me, he followed me by a second.

"This is what I'll remember about Madrid," he whispered.

Two days later Alice and I were lying on the beach at Calonge when I told Alice about Tanya. She was looking so cute in a tiny pink bikini. I wore a one piece black suit, my bump on display, but my boobs still in the lead. I felt like Edward's encouragement was having some kind of effect. Like he wasn't sucking on my nipples, he was blowing in to them.

We were in paradise. The beach had brown sand and was surrounded by magnificent gray cliffs. The water was active, powerful and so blue.

I was slick with sunblock, all natural and organic, as Edward had kept his hands all over me all afternoon slathering it on every few minutes. Now he and Jasper were off swimming.

"So I'm going to have two babies," I was saying to my sister, "at least part time. I'll need your help."

She was laying on her stomach, her cheek scrunched against her towel. "Bella…I knew about it. The plan. Operation turkey baster. I knew."

Would it never end? "Rose."

"Of course. Did you think I wouldn't know?"

"She never said you knew."

"Oh Bella. I wouldn't let her tell. You knucklehead."

"Why didn't you tell me? Confront me?"

"Because…when I got sick…I wasn't worried about myself. I never was. All I had to do was show up for my doctor appointments. They did everything. But I worried about Jasper. And I worried about you. I mean…I figured he'd get on with it eventually. But you…I wanted to strangle you for being willing to have random sex…but you know what I thought? I thought a baby might give you and Jazz something to live for. Of course he'd help you. Maybe…I don't know…."

"If you say what I think you're going to say, I'm going to drag you to the water and hold you under."

She laughed. "What, you've got a corner on crazy?"

"Oh my God."

"Who did you have if I died, Bella? Rose? I could see the thing with Emmett happening. First guy to have the guts to cut through her bullshit. I knew Angela would throw you a bone, but that's all she's got time to do. You were alone. No parents. Well, Mom…yeah, no parents. No siblings. A job. An apartment. Locked away behind her little walls…my sister. So I let it continue and I waited. I knew there would be a baby. I saw it."

"Oh Alice…." I groaned.

"Whatever, but listen…Edward is the greatest guy. I love him already."

"Alice…she's stealing my thunder though, that Tanya. I know it's petty and jealous…but crap. We should be all caught up…."

"Just stop. This is real life, Bella, and we mess it up, and stuff happens that shouldn't. I should have my uterus. You shouldn't have had a step-dad or a real dad for that matter who…."

"Me? You had the same crap parents I did."

"Just be a great parent. Doesn't matter where they come from. You were going to give me yours and some baster's! What, that's good enough for me and you've got to have, what, The Leave it Beaver Show!"

"Oh, love that." I was leaning my face on my hand.

"Here's what I want to say to you," she said. "I stayed out of it. The cancer taught me that your life is your life. And mine is mine. We never separated the way normal sisters do. We've been enmeshed, you and I. Jasper's paid a bit of a price for it. My Sophie's Choice? Always you. Now? I can, for the first time, put him first. Not you. Not me, thank God. But him. Whatever he wants. First time. And while I am ecstatic that you're making me an aunt and him an uncle? I don't want to be a mom. Do you hear me? I've got twenty one first graders every year. And I've had you all of my life. I've earned a little time to be with my husband. Just me and him. I'm going to be a wife now. Just a wife. And an aunt. But not a mom. If I want that someday…Jazz and I will let you know AFTER we make that decision for ourselves. There's plenty of kids out there needing a home. So you're released, officially, from being my breeder. I'm letting you go."

"I don't like the sound of that."

"I'm letting you be a woman. You may have to move. You may have to go toward that other child. Whatever the future holds…go forth."

"Well…thank you, but it's happening with or without your permission. Have I really been such a burden?"

"Yes."

"Well crap, Alice. Thanks a lot."

She laughed. "You're welcome."

"Like I've had it easy with you. I was going to have a baby for you."

She laughed again. "I never claimed to be easy, just ask Jasper. But don't assume people want your spawn…Swan."

We both laughed now.

"I don't know what I was thinking. You can't be helped. And my name's Cullen."

"Bella. Cullen. I may have missed out on great parents…birthing kids…but there is not a husband, or a sister in the world that comes close to what I have in Jasper…and you."

"Oh. That's pretty good."

"And Edward? He's not Jasper yet, I mean you have to earn the title, but he has potential."

I smoothed her new hair. Then she sat up and we had the hug—stage three.


	27. Chapter 27

Turkey Baster 27

Spain had been rainy, but still warm. We were shocked by the transition upon re-entering the Midwest. And there was so much to do. Edward had not allowed himself to spend much time on correspondence during the honeymoon, but now that we were back, he had legal matters to attend to. Buying, selling, the matters with Tanya who would be six and a half months pregnant by now. Her due date was the beginning of February, but mine was April fifteenth, tax day. How fitting.

On the plane ride home we had talked about our future. My conversation with Alice in Calonge freed me to face things with a new sense of calm. I told Alice I didn't need her permission to grow up, yet on some level, I did desire her blessing. And having that seemed to flume me to a new level of openness.

"It makes sense to stay in my apartment since we don't know, at present, what our future holds."

"But…I know you're going to want to get settled and set up a nursery. I've been reading. You'll want to...build a nest."

I laughed. "You've been reading about pregnancy? Well…I'm proud of you."

Then he laughed. "Man, you have low expectations. I do have two babies coming. It's kind of the least I can do…learn something?"

I had to touch his face. He was so dear to me. "Eventually, I will want to build an eagle's next. Do you know the difference between that and a normal nest?"

"It's big ass?"

"Exactly. None of this sparrow crap. I want the eagle-blow-out. It's not that I'm overly materialistic."

"I got that. You drive an Elantra. You had a fit when I bought you the dresses."

"It's just that I will want to create a really good life for our…children."

My hand was on his face again, and he put his hand over mine and held them firmly to his jaw. "Our children. Thank you, Bella."

"Can you imagine how Tanya would scratch my eyes out if she heard that?" I laughed, and it wasn't pure by any means, it was bitter and acidic, but I was swallowing, and that was a start.

"We're not focusing on that, remember?" he sang.

I nodded. "Keep telling me that. It helps."

"It was your idea. You don't want…."

"I remember."

"So…your little apartment," he sat back then and moved our hands to his lap.

"Yes, until we know what to expect. If, events conspire and you get full custody…we can go forward with your move here in Chicago, but if you have to share…we go back to St. Louis."

"Well, there's my house in the city. It has three bedrooms upstairs. We could make two nurseries if we stay there," he said. "No matter what happens…it's selfless. Thank you. Such a wife, I have." He kissed me, and it was so open and loving, it could normally only end in joining the mile-high-club, this time by actual contact, and not his suggestive powers, but at four and one half months pregnant, I was too lazy to try and maneuver in the little bathroom.

I had never felt such love for another human being besides my sister, and yet this was more profound. It's as if we had just taken a step into one another's souls. What we thought would take years when we'd viewed Jasper and Alice's intimate exchange in Spain, we had experienced a measure of even before reaching home. "This is oneness," I whispered to him.

The words of love that followed, the holding of one another moved from playful lust to true and deep appreciation and love. I felt grateful, and it was reciprocated. "I didn't have the sense to pick you for your goodness…but I have to believe you were given to me as a gift," I told him.

"The same," he whispered.

We were both on the verge of crying, well I went over the verge, but he was swallowing a lot, and his breathing was shaky.

When I could speak, and after I'd wiped my face, I said, "Edward…I'm so glad you're my husband." Two people could not be more in sync with one another than we on that plane ride home.

It was cold back in the Midwest. We had just missed Thanksgiving, but in one month's time it would be Christmas, and I'd yet to meet Edward's parents. Since our wedding was purposely tiny, he hadn't felt it necessary to invite them, but had spoken to them on the phone. At that time he passed their congratulations to me and said they hoped to see us upon returning for a long holiday visit.

But on the car ride home from the airport, he told me his adopted father Carlisle was less than pleased with him at the moment. If he didn't find them in a better humor the next time they spoke, he had no wish to see them over the holidays even.

"Do they not approve of me? Of our marriage?" I asked.

"It has nothing to do with you. They will love you."

Then I remembered his mother employed Tanya. "Is your mother being defensive of Tanya?"

He was choosing his words with care, "At first that was a factor, them being co-workers. But it's not even my mother. She was initially upset with me…my lack of responsibility in the whole thing. But my father…it started with him protecting my mother…then it escalated into some of our issues left over from baseball. He wanted me to see another specialist back in the day. I refused because I could see where it was going, and I wanted out. I've always been a very visual person and I chose my eye over baseball.

"He basically feels like I threw my career away and seems determined to prove it by spitting on everything I do."

"Oh, Edward."

"You can't fix it, so don't even get invested. He's a type A driven over-achieving doctor and I didn't even go to college. The one thing that made that okay was playing in the majors. That was his dream—pro-ball, but he didn't have it. Imagine his glee when he found out he'd won the adoption-lottery and got a kid who supposedly had all this natural talent."

"If he can't see what a great person you are…."

"He sees the good in me, he always has. He helped me as a dad, believe me. But me getting two women pregnant…no way. And he's right. It's pretty unforgiveable. Guess I really am the hillbilly he feared I was. Blood thicker and all that. But if my wife can give me mercy then that's all that matters. He needs to shut the fuck up and let me get on with it. I don't need him up my ass. I had that all through school."

"Wow. Um…wow. So where do you stand with them?"

"Mom will forgive me as soon as she gets a grandchild. Dad…like I said, it's about more than my obvious fertility, though he wanted an heir more than anything, and here I go throwing it around like Johnny Appleseed."

I groaned. "I'm not ready for your self-deprecating sarcasm. I want to defend you and…."

"…strangle me?" he finished my sentence. "I hear you. I'm just giving them time to cool off."

"And our child is not an apple tree, Edward. Grrr."

"I know. Hot-butter pump…."

"Stop!" I'm laughing and covering my ears. I swear I hear turkey baster next. "Stop!" I say again, desperate for a change of topic.

He is laughing and he grabs my hand.

"Do you want them in our lives, Edward? For all intents and purposes, they are your parents."

"Yes, I want them. They are good people. I love them. They'll be great grandparents."

"But…."

"I can't demand outright that Mom fire Tanya. But I've asked her to find her another position. She's looking. She hates to lose Tanya because she'll travel at a moment's notice. But I can't expect her to be having this relationship with my mom that exacerbates the awkwardness for you, for me, and for Mom, too. So I've told Mom it's too awkward. Also I pump a lot of money into her business, and I won't work with Tanya. So you see how messed up it is. Mom can help Tanya get on with another firm but it's like giving her competition one of the best, so Mom takes a hit. It's not fair to her. But it's the way it is."

"Turn this car around," I groaned, "back to Spain. Seriously, Edward, it's like I'm up against some kind of a super-star. And I'm not good with parents. I've avoided them for years."

He laughed. "No. You're not 'against' anyone. It's not a competition, remember?"

"Yes, I remember. So what? Is this even going to be possible?"

"Yes. Blame me. Keep blaming me."

"I won't. I don't want to blame anyone. It is what it is," I said, my free hand plowing through my hair. "I just hope your parents won't be disappointed in me."

"Bella…they will love you. And I am insane about you. It's me. I can't say it enough. It's me."

As much as our lives fit together, Edward seemed a little awkward in my apartment. The bed was small for his frame, and he swore it was shorter. I told him it was standard sized and he must own an extra long mattress or something. He said he had to hold on to me very tightly so he didn't fall off. I loved this. He liked to make love in the morning. Every morning, even if we just did it that night. And most nights we had, depending on how tired I was. He was never too tired. If I even woke in the night to readjust my covers he thought I was saying, 'let's have sex.' He always began by taking care of me, making sure I was orgasming one on top of the other. When he nudged me that morning, starting his warm onslaught along my neck, I woke up in this delicious feeling of being loved. He was whispering how beautiful I was, and his hand rubbed over my growing stomach. We slept bare, and if we'd been in a chair I would have been sitting on his lap. He slipped in to me from behind. It was my favorite, I think, except I had to sacrifice not seeing his face. But the feeling, ugh. "Edward…."

"That's it, Bella. Who did you expect?"

I laughed, but not for long. How can he make my increasingly miserable feeling body vibrate like I'm the sexiest goddess, his goddess? His hand on my stomach as he pushes in, making me crazy as I feel that velvet length. His warm lips on my neck, his voice telling me how beautiful I am. Sensory onslaught. His hand moving to my breasts, just that, over my nipples, rubbing the aching roundness, like I am beautiful, like I am cherished. Then down my body, to the connection. Yes I'm so wet. Yes I'm so swollen and so ready and slick. He fingers me into delirium, then explosive release. I am loud about it, and he speaks to me in tongues, the sounds we make as we go out there, off the planet, weightless, not pregnant, not cramped and needing showers, but we go out there in this place we create when we're one. We soar and we float down, two people on a raft, on a bed, tangled and sated. We re-enter the atmosphere and say, damn.

Edward did speak with his parents several times once we were home. I also spoke with them so they could welcome me into the family and let me know how much they hoped we could come to St. Louis and spend the holidays in their home. His father Carlisle was head cardiologist at a famous teaching hospital there. His mother Esme had the interior design firm, of course.

I kept telling myself how great it was to have more family. But it was all bullshit, induced by a plethora of Lifetime Christmas movies that I'd been watching since handing my notice in at the firm and going to work each afternoon on my couch instead. I dreaded this meeting.

But prior to leaving Chicago, Edward oversaw the finalization of the paperwork, ready to sell the bar. He took me to the new restaurant location. This purchase would be finalized when we returned home from our Christmas vacation. The building was turn of the century, and up until a couple of months ago housed a popular and trendy establishment. Due to mis-management, a split had taken place and the building went up for sale. The managers were rearranged, and Edward swooped in to purchase and refurbish. The new management team hoped to buy it and re-open, but Edward wasn't worried, he knew it was a hot-spot. He planned to buy it, gut it, and ready it for a new location. He would not do anything past readying the building. Whoever bought it would want to design it.

It would be a quick turn-around, he said. So on to St. Louis we went. I hadn't been sure what to buy our hosts for Christmas, so Edward chose the expensive bourbon for Carlisle, and the robe and slippers for his mother.

The Cullens were located in the heart of the city, near the big hospitals there, near the park. It was a Victorian neighborhood, each house a work of art in itself, and there were several sweeping streets of them. "You lived here when they adopted you? What did you think?"

"I was intimidated. Then proud. You'll love the inside," he said, nudging me along as he brought our bags.

Esme and Carlisle could not have been sketched more accurately to be the owners of this home. They stood on the heavily pillared porch, him in casual slacks and some kind of cream colored sweater over an obviously fit body, silver blond hair shiny and beautiful. Her smaller, long skirt, thin red sweater that showed her delicate figure, hair still long, strawberry colored, also shiny, skin flawless and face beatific.

They were checking me out. My stomach was hidden beneath my gray wool coat, but her eyes went there. Then they dug into my eyes, held me for just a split second, and I felt like Frodo must have felt when Galadriel whispered a mental greeting to him. Right now Esme was thinking, "So you're the one he threw Tanya over for? I don't get it."

I tried not to fall back in awe upon entering the foyer. Black and white tile, garland twisting up the staircase, huge tree nestled against the banisters curve as though the house had thrown its arm around all twelve feet of the evergreen's lighted beauty. I already knew each ornament would have a history. Everything here had a pedigree. Everything was thought out and chosen with care. I looked at my Johnny Appleseed. What a shock he must still be for them. His own person. One they can't ultimately control.

I wasn't trying to be cruel, but Edward was a force on his own terms. That had to be a bit difficult to swallow. He called himself a hill-billy. That made me smile.


	28. Chapter 28

Turkey Baster 28

Merry Christmas Eve

The first night we took a tour of the house, and they told charming stories of Edward growing up. I was a bit taken aback to see his room still in tact, awards from baseball everywhere. Then in the gameroom, a shrine. I was able to catch up on Edward's entire career. While I enjoyed being able to experience all of it, even the videos, I felt for Edward as I understood this from his point of view. It wasn't the only thing he was. And it was in the past. He'd spoken of his father's disappointment. I wondered how deep it went.

We slept in the guest room, sinking deep in the most comfortable mattress ever. I was having trouble getting comfortable these days, but this bed proved to be the equivalent of sleeping on a marshmallow. We made happy love there, even though I felt a little creepy and guilty with his parents under the same roof. However, they were on the first floor, so the feeling of being alone was encouraging. Edward assured me he hadn't made love with any other girl under his parent's roof. I told him it was a little late to rebel, and he said his whole life with me was a rebellion, and I slapped him and said, what? And he just laughed. Little did I know how true this would prove to be.

The next day was Christmas Eve. I was never so glad to be able to play the piano. Esme and Carlisle owned a beautiful white baby grand piano which sat in a bay window. Finally, someone who could play, they said, though Carlisle wasn't bad.

Edward had taken lessons, but showed little interest, or aptitude. I had to admit, I was quite proud as my fingers danced over the keys, plus so grateful to have something to do beyond being stared at by Esme. She was nice enough, but she just stared. It made me fidgety and insecure. I wanted to shout out, "What?"

I could see that they appreciated talent or skill. They talked a lot about the accomplishments of others, Edward, their nieces and nephews, neighbors' children, then one another. They constantly told Edward about someone else's son or daughter and what he or she had achieved. I wondered how it had felt growing up with that running litany. Had that motivated Edward to be such a high achiever? It certainly seemed to have done that. One thing about my people, you could be a royal fuck-up and as long as you didn't cause them too much trouble or money, you were good. I knew that Edward and I came from two ends of a trajectory in terms of how we were raised to understand success. I hoped our experiences would help us meet somewhere in the happy middle.

All of this discovery about the home he'd known from a teen on was making me forge a definition of success right as I dined at the Cullen's fine table, or sat with them before the fire in the turn of the century fireplace on the world's most comfortable couch with the universe's softest afghan ever woven up to my chin, and the handsomest man God ever created holding my hand beneath said blanket.

Success was love. Check. Success was being kind, merciful, interested in others, helpful, open, willing, compassionate, honest…oh my goodness, success was all about relating well to others and doing it well!

I realized this just as Edward's hand moved to graze my breast, and his mother went on about someone's kid in the Peace Corp.

"What's the matter?" he asked me cause I think I had shifted like I'd been shocked with electricity.

"Nothing," I told him, anxious to tell him what I knew.

Carlisle wanted Edward to play a game of billiards with him before we retired. He said this, 'retired.' I could feel Edward's reluctance. "Sure Dad," he said. I wondered if this was one of the places where Carlisle might let the cue slip right up Edward's ass.

Then Esme said, "Oh goodie. Bella and I can have girl talk."

I nearly reached for Edward as he stood, abandoning me on the poofy sofa.

He looked down at me and smiled, but it held sympathy as well as his own dread. I noticed he took his glass of Coke with him and stopped at Carlisle's well stocked bar to fortify it with a glug of something brown.

Hey no fair, I thought as Esme got up from the love seat and plopped down near me on the couch. I was grinning at her, but knew it didn't reach my terrified eyes.

"Have you talked about names?" she said eagerly.

We'd already told them we chose not to know the sex. That information had also been withheld from Edward concerning Tanya's child.

Esme was telling me all of the significant female names in her and Carlisle's lineages. I understood she never had the fun of naming a child, her child, and I wanted to let her share in the event, as long as she understood it was all up in the air and that Edward and I would ultimately decide. We might get a last minute inspiration in the recovery room. So when Esme said, "Bella, what would you think of Greta?"

I thought of Hansel and Greta, knowing it was Gretel, but still, close enough.

Her eyes were shiny with tears.

"What the matter?" I said, throwing off the cover because Esme Cullen could make a polar bear sweat.

"That was the name of our little girl," she said.

"I…didn't know."

"I miscarried. Three months."

"I'm really sorry," I said.

Esme nodded, and stared into the fire. I looked into the fire too, but after five minutes, I let my eyes slide as far sideways as possible to see what she was doing, but she sat like a stature staring intently at the flames.

"What do you think of Greta?" she finally asked, turning to me.

"I…I like the name," I said, sweat, sweat, "don't get me wrong…but that's your daughter's name…and I'm…not sure…I mean…," I was nodding, like trying to shake some more words up, but they weren't coming. "Edward never told me about this."

"He doesn't know," she whispered.

"Oh. Um…why not?" I could feel the real me swimming around in there, trying to get to the beach.

She laughed, a little chuckle, "If you don't know the answer to that, you don't know Edward very well." Her voice had gained strength as she spoke.

That statement helped my feet get their first feel of sand. I had my arms tightly crossed on top of my stomach. "I think I know Edward pretty well."

She blew like a raspberry thing. "Oh please. You've known him what, six months? And you're married!" She gave me a 'poor thing,' head shake.

I have to admit, we'd gotten here pretty fast. From Greta to our marriage. Wow.

"I know it seems quick, but we're in love."

She threw back her head and laughed. "I guess we've never heard that before, right? We're in love?"

"Would we have a better chance if we hated one another?" Me.

"Of course not," she said, all serious. "Look, you seem like a lovely girl. And Edward seems to be very…happy with you. And I hope it lasts, believe me, with all the sleeping around today and all the divorce, we never wanted that for Edward."

"I know you've been upset over things, and I'll grant you that, but…."

"Upset? Wait until you're a mother and your child gets two women pregnant, one of whom is a dear friend and trusted employee, and then elopes to Spain with the other, denying even the basic sympathy package of seeing him make the vows you can only hope he has a modicum of understanding about considering he hasn't seemed to understand the rudiments of birth control."

I am speechless.

"I know I didn't have him the way you're having yours, that, too, was denied me, but I did pour my heart and soul into him, and have a vision for him that did not include this!" she waved her hand at me.

I am standing and frantically texting on my phone.

"What are you doing?" she asked, wiping tears from her face and scooting to sit on the edge of the sofa. "Oh god, Bella, I…I went too far. I've been…."

Edward comes from wherever he was in a lower level of the house. "Bella," he's saying before he gets in the room. "What's the matter?"

I walk to him. "I'm leaving," I say.

"Where are you going?"

Carlisle is there now. "Bella? Esme, what's the matter? What happened?" he hurried to her side.

Edward has his arm around me. "What happened?"

"I won't stay here," I say moving out of his arm and past him toward the stairs so I can get my things. 

"Mom," he is sayng, "what' happened with Bella?"

I didn't hang around to hear her reply. I was taking the sweeping stairs to the room Edward and I had shared the night before. Once there I grabbed my things and stuffed them in my suitcase. I was so rattled I couldn't think what else? Oh yeah, my stuff in the bathroom. I went in there and gathered my few things. I was heading for my suitcase on the bed when Edward came in.

"Bella, slow down. What the fuck happened between you two?"

That stopped me. I felt rage that he would say, 'between you two.' There had been no between. This was a frontal attack. "I'm not staying here. So give me the keys. You do whatever the fuck you want."

"How can I know what to do if you won't talk to me?" he asked coming close and trying to put his hands on my arms.

I moved my arms spastically to keep him from touching me. "She said a bunch of crap she had no right to say. She doesn't want me here. She hates the fact that you married me, she's completely in Tanya's camp and she's mad as hell, and Merry Christmas to me, I'm out of here."

He was nodding. "Seriously?"

"No, Edward, I'm kidding." I pushed around him and zipped my bag.

He kicked into gear then, silent and flushed as he threw his things into his bag. It took him less than a minute to cram things in. He took my arm then and led me out. Not that I needed leading.

Carlisle and Esme waited at the bottom of the stairs. Edward was ahead of me now, charging toward them. "Mom…Dad…Bella is very, very upset. I am so sorry I brought her here. Right now…it's like I have no parents. We're leaving, and I've never been so…fucking disappointed in your two." He turned and held his hand out for me. I put my hand in his and we went out.

"Bella," Esme called from the porch, "I'm sorry. Please give me a chance. You don't need to do this."

Edward took my bag and opened my door. It had snowed and it was slick, so I got in slowly. He closed my door behind me. When he opened the back door and saw their wrapped gifts, he angrily took those and threw them on the lawn. "Merry fucking Christmas," he called, coming around to the driver's side and getting in. Carlisle had taken a few steps off of the porch, and he was staring after us as Edward pulled swiftly from the driveway and zoomed down the avenue.

"Are you alright?" He asked.

I was so angry I couldn't speak. I had some tears, but they were from the anger.

"Tell me what she said."

When I calmed down a little I told him, this time adding the part about Greta.

He was surprised, but also more angry than ever. "I'm done with them," he said.

"Let's just…not talk about it anymore. Where are we going?"

"I'm so sorry I took you there. I thought…they're my parents."

"Edward, it's Christmas Eve, and we need to make a plan. The roads are crap, and I'm tired."

"We're going to my house."

So we did. I had never seen his house. It was in a historic district, different from his parents as here all of the houses were French in design. They were taller, skinnier, just different. This neighborhood was centered around a park. Edward's house was a three storied brick. I loved it on sight, dark and lonely as it seemed.

We had planned to come here after Christmas, so I told myself I got an early Christmas treat, which was just bullshit. It was hard to shake the upset I felt over what happened with Esme. I'd had enough parental madness growing up, and now to find I'd opened my life to Mommy Dearest was a bit of a holiday downer.

His house had a small foyer, then a room to each side, one a living room, the other side a formal dining room, the kitchen was in back with a bathroom. Upstairs were the three bedrooms and a bathroom he'd made out of a small fourth bedroom, and an attic was overhead. It was a mix of modern and antique. "I love it!" I said. Because I did.

"You said you've never been away from Alice on Christmas. We can still drive home tomorrow if you're feeling sad." He put our bags down and came to me wrapping his arms around me.

I kissed him. "No. She's got plans. And anyway, she's counting on me being gone and rapturously happy."

"That's killed isn't it? You're not going to be rapturously happy." He held me there, at the bottom of the stairs, looking a little pale and disheveled. I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair.

"Ahhh…rapturously happy, last time I checked, had to do with me…and you."

That seemed to jumpstart him a little.

"Really? I don't even have a tree, and I planned on stopping at the store before we got here."

"I'm full. We can get some stuff tomorrow."

"On Christmas day? You think?"

"Of course. Coming from my background, we often went shopping on Christmas day. There was rarely a plan until Alice and me and Jasper took over. Then we made our own fun. Non-traditional in the early years."

"I want to hear about that."

"Maybe. But really? Christmas wasn't always so happy, you know?"

"Yeah. Not for me either. Until…Esme really did make it good for me, you know? But after today? Baby I'm so mad…I almost wish they'd left me to rot in that home. I'd be out by now and better off."

"Don't say that. You don't know that. They were good to you. You said that."

"Defending them? I don't think so."

"Edward…my expectations are low. I know that. But…unless she has some kind of major change of heart…."

"Agreed. I wish we had stayed in Chicago."

"It's complicated. I wonder if she'll favor Tanya's child. Why wouldn't she? But I don't want to borrow trouble. Let them have each other. I don't want my child around it."

"Baby, I hope it doesn't happen like that. That's just so fucked. Bella if I could undo this…I'm so sorry."

"Shhhh. No more. Not another mention of them. Let's really try and redeem this day. Let's make a good night. Are the sheets on your bed clean?"

He laughed. "Probably not too clean."

We were in the middle of preparing the bedroom when there was pounding downstairs on the front door. Edward shot me a look and a gulp and he was angry when he went down to answer it.

I heard a woman practically screaming. The F word was in there. I walked slowly down the stairs, afraid Edward would be hurt. My phone was in my hand, but I pretty well knew who it had to be. Esme's voice wasn't that strong.

He was on the porch with her, only his hand on the knob and part of his arm visible from the hall. "Call my lawyer," I heard him say.

I stepped closer. She was crying now, and he was saying, "Tanya."

I pulled on the door. "You…," she screamed, but when she came for me she met Edward and she collapsed against him. She was big. I mean pregnant-big. Too big. "What are you looking at," she screamed at me.

"Edward, bring her in," I said.

"What," he said over his shoulder as he supported all of her weight.

"Bring her inside. It's cold," I said angrily.

He half led, half dragged her sobbing form into the house.

"Take her to the couch," I directed because he looked so lost and she looked pathetic. Everything on her looked swollen, even her nose. I hardly recognized her, though I'd only seen her the one time.

Edward led her to the couch and she sat there, leaning back, her stomach huge. She was crying. I went in the kitchen and grabbed a couple of paper towels and filled a glass with water. I took this to her. Edward was standing there, looking down on her with his hands in his pockets. "My god, Tanya," he finally said, "it looks like there could be twins in there."

"There is," she shouted at him unexpectedly.

He cursed and his butt dropped to the coffee table then, and his hands were over his mouth. I waddled to the chair across from her and sat heavily.

"What do you want to do?" I said.

Edward looked at me, thinking I was speaking to him. "What Bella?"

I shook my head and repeated the question to Tanya. "What do you want to do?"

"I want," she said, over enunciating the 't' in want, "to have my body back and be rid of these aliens who've invaded me and taken over my life!"

"Calm down," I said with authority. "We understand you're upset. What can we do to help you?"

"It's too late! Too fucking late. You married him! My children are bastards!"

"Tanya," Edward interjected weakly. I knew he was still trying to recover from the news.

"What can we do to help you?" I said again, gripping the arms of the chair.

"You can…let Esme take them. I want Esme to have them," she said lifting her chin, staring at me defiantly. "You don't get them."

"I don't want them," I answered meanly, instantly sorry to have lost control like that. Edward looked at me quickly, and I saw the despair. "I'm sorry, Tanya. I…don't mean that."

She was crying again, and Edward picked one of the paper towels off the floor and shoved it into her shaking hand.

I stuggled to get out of the low-set chair and went to stand by her. I took my life into my hands and put my hand on her shoulder. She looked up, probably thinking it was Edward, but Edward was sitting on the coffee table looking at me with a shocked expression. I could almost see him preparing to leap to my defense.

"Don't…," she said knocking my hand off.

"Esme is in your corner," I said. "We were over there today, and she's very upset Edward married me."

"She is," Tanya blurted.

"And I know she would always be their champion…the children's."

"She will be. She's the only one I can give them to without hating myself."

"I just want you to know something…I was mistreated by my step-parents."

"I don't want your sob story."

I closed my eyes and breathed slow. "I'm saying…I would never mistreat your babies. I would treat them like my own."

"You expect me to trust you after throwing your slutty self at a man engaged to be married?"

"Tanya," Edward interjected, "do not disrespect Bella. I've had enough of your bullshit. We were never engaged."

I put my hand up to keep Edward out of it. "Tanya…we're here now. Whatever our issues are…we need to put these babies first."

"That's why I came over here, to get him to SEE that these babies would be better off with Esme."

"The babies would be better off with their real father. Edward is the father." Me.

"That's what the paper said, baby," she sneered. "But what about yours? Did you take a paternity test?"

I ignored that. "Speaking of the paper, the paternity test, why didn't it show twins?"

She stared at me. "What?"

Edward looked from me to Tanya. "Why didn't the paternity test show twins?" He echoed my question.

"I…I don't know," she said.

"I want another test," he said.

"No. These babies are yours. You know they are."

"I don't know anything," Edward said, too much emotion in his voice, "I don't even know I'm having twins for god sakes!" he yelled.

"Stop yelling at me," she said, doubling over, her knees spread wide as she pulled on her hair.

I went to sit back down in the chair the same time she let out a groan. I could see the growing stain on the couch beneath her from where I sat. "Edward," I yelled, pointing.

"Oh God," Tanya said, her hands going to her stomach. Her water had broken. "Call Esme," she insisted.

Edward called an ambulance. The roads were too bad to risk taking her ourselves. She kept insisting on Edward calling Esme. I told Edward to do as she asked. She was the priority now. He got his mother on the phone and gave the phone to Tanya so Esme could try to calm her. The ambulance was there in twelve minutes. Edward's parents were going to meet us at the hospital. Edward reassured Tanya that Esme would be there as soon as possible.

We followed somewhat behind the ambulance. He was so worried about so many things, I had to shove my own fears aside and be calm for him.

"It's too early," he kept saying.

"It will be alright."

"Bella…no one is ready. I'm not ready. Two of them. Oh, my Bella."

I kept my hand tight on his as he drove slowly over the snowy roads. Esme and Carlisle were in the waiting room when we got there. Esme walked quickly to me and hugged me. Edward moved in just as quickly to peal her off. "Mom, not now."

Esme was a wreck, crying and looking less than impeccable.

"It's alright," I said to the room at large as I made my way to a chair. Edward was quickly beside me. He took my hand.

Carlisle had been in the room with Tanya. Esme was going in. He said the doctor standing in for her doctor, who was in the Bahamas for the holidays, was on his way. Tanya had been scheduled for a caesarian and that would most likely be the option since her water had broken and she was in labor. The babies should be far along enough to survive with good neonatal care. So we needed to stay hopeful, he said.

After an hour Esme came to the waiting room. Tanya wanted Edward. She wanted him there for the births. I knew this would be a unique bonding experience. "Not without Bella," he said.

"Edward, I understand," Esme said, "but there's not time. It might prove too stressful on Bella."

"Go on, Edward," I said. And I meant it. I was too exhausted to fight this new battle and I really wasn't sure I was ready to see something I'd be experiencing myself soon enough.

Edward leaned forward to kiss me. "I love you," he said, "and I'm so sorry I've put you through all of this."

"I love you," I said. "Now go."

My heart broke a little watching him follow Esme into the room.

That left me alone with Carlisle. He nudged the coffee table toward me. "Can I get you anything?"

"No," I answered feeling so tired I couldn't even feel nervous.

"How about putting your feet up?"

"No thanks."

There were a few quiet minutes, then out of no where, "You're quite a young woman," he said, sincerity in his face.

Whatever that meant.

"He loves you very much."

"I love him. Very much."

"I know we've been…outrageous. But…another time. I wish we could start over."

I just stared at him. I had no desire to do anything but sleep.

Two hours later Esme and Edward came out of the double doors that led to the maternity ward. I was awake. Carlisle also snapped awake. Edward walked swiftly to me and sat beside me, putting his arms around me. Esme was already talking to Carlisle, rapidly and quietly near the doors.

"Bella…you're not…you have to see." He pulled me slowly to my feet. He still wore his blue hospital gown and cap as did Esme. The four of us went into the ward then. Edward and Esme went in, and Carlisle and I waited at the windows. The ward was not overly active as it was around three in the morning. The nurse on duty fussed over the two incubators against the far wall. In them we could see two babies, but not any details. Edward was motioning to me, and Esme was staring at first one baby then another, going back and forth, trying to stay out of the nurse's way. Esme had apparently told Carlisle details and he repeated them to me. I don't know why I hadn't asked Edward the most rudimentary questions, nor had he thought to tell me. Their lungs would need the help of the incubator environment for at least the next few days. They were both born with flailing chests, but had stabilized enough to be under care here and not be flown to a children's facility where such care was more specialized. There was a girl and a boy. She was almost five pounds, and he was just under at four and one half. Tanya was resting and her vitals were good.

I knew a mix of relief and disappointment. One of each—a boy and a girl. There was nothing I could give him that he didn't already have. I knew it was foolish, but I felt it none-the-less. I looked at him now, his eyes meeting mine, teary and exhausted, not as happy as I thought he would look, just kind of lost. I loved him so much. But this was hard. So damn hard.

He watched me instead of the babies, and he came out. He walked over to me, two other gowns over his arm. He handed one to Carlisle, the other he helped me get in to. Then he led us into the nursery. Esme took my hand, and Edward kept his other hand against the small of my back. "Meet the girl," he said, and I looked at a perfect tiny girl who was such a miracle I was speechless, from her dark pink color to her peach fuzz on top, to her full little rosebud lips, to the long-fingers on such a delicate tiny hand.

"Oh, Edward," I whispered.

Then they pulled me to the other incubator. Carlisle was behind us. I just kept staring. He was also beautiful, perfect, tiny, adorable. And African American.

"Oh," I whispered. "Edward?"


	29. Chapter 29

*This is fiction. I'm using Stephanie Meyer's characters and shooting from the hip. Any resemblance to anyone anywhere is purely coincidental. Thanks for your interest in this story.

Turkey Baster 29

We awakened Christmas morning well after the time when children arose with the visions of sugar plums dancing in their heads.

I felt run over by a truck. Edward appeared to still be under its wheels.

He had given blood at the hospital and the new paternity test would be in tomorrow, the day after Christmas. He had originally had a bucal swab test, which showed 99.9% paternity. Normally these tests were completely reliable. Very rarely were there mistakes. What had caused the error was anyone's guess. But the blood test would straighten out things out by verifying the swab test's outcome, or proving it false.

If it didn't match the swab, then Edward was not the father of Tanya's babies. Each baby would be tested, as it was still possible Edward had fathered one of them. The problem was, while Edward's attorney James was an ace when it came to real estate deals, he was a joker when it came to paternity issues. He did not realize the lab that performed the test was not even accredited.

Edward couldn't fault James, as he'd had no experience in paternity and told Edward up front. It was just the way of it. And it had put us through hell.

So for a couple of days we lived in suspense until the bloodwork was in. That left us hanging for the rest of Christmas Day.

So Christmas afternoon I dragged myself into Edward's pristine white bathroom and turned on the shower. I sluggishly pulled off the bra and panties I'd slept in. I figured out how to turn the high tech jets on and once the water was steaming, stepped carefully into the tub. The hot water felt soothing, and I stood under it for a few minutes before Edward entered the bathroom, kicked off his boxers and joined me.

He put his arms around me from behind and stood under the wall and ceiling of jets with me. We hadn't said much this morning after getting home from the hospital. There wasn't much to say. Now it felt so comforting to just be in silence together, the steam enveloping us, the heat softening us, creating the fragrance of us.

After a few minutes, he reached around me for the shampoo and poured it over my hair, working his fingers over my scalp again and again. Then he switched out the shampoo for body wash, filling his cupped hand and slathering it over me, working over my shoulder and back, over my ass, over my sex, as he knelt behind me, wet slick fingers, just gentle enough. Then he worked his hands down my leg. Lifting my foot to pull it back and rest it on his thigh, he worked over the ball of my foot, then my heel. I had braced my hands on either side of the wall-jets, turning my head to the side, letting the water pound the front of my body while the ceiling-jets streamed water over my head like rain.

When my foot was well rinsed, he started at the apex of my thighs, then worked his hands down my other leg, repeating the foot rub.

After a couple of minutes, he kissed the sole of my foot and placed it carefully down on the white rubber mat.

Edward stood and encouraged me to turn, and the water pummeled a soothing rhythm on my back. He filled his hands with soap and starting at my neck worked his fingers over me, over my collar bones, and shoulders, down my arms to my hands which he worked simultaneously with the strong pads of his fingers while he stared deeply into my eyes, then back up my arms which were limp for him. He leaped a bit to my breasts, his hands warm and slick over them, his palms bringing them to life, his fingers playing over them heightening the sensitivity until I leaned sideways into the wall. He pulled me back up straight, and continued to wash over my stomach, fluid caressing, stooping to kiss my stomach, whispering, "My baby, mine."

The rubbing culminated between my legs which were quickly spread for him, each of my feet touching the side of the tub nearest. He rubbed over me, and I gripped on to him, and he slid down my slick stomach, and sat back on his heels moving me right up to his mouth. I couldn't see his whole face with my big stomach blocking my view but his eyes and his slick wet hair were like the sun rising over a mountain, and I had to laugh until my orgasm was so engulfing the sound coming out of me changed into some kind of groan.

It was an old fashioned tub with a wide side, and I took his hands and he helped me sit on the side, and I pulled on his legs until he stood between mine, and brought his penis right up to my mouth and sucked him until his eyes rolled up, and his chin came down and he made some kind of vowel sound, like 'a' in apple, or something, and his knees buckled a little.

He pulled me up then, and brought me back under the warm water, and I let the water wash over my face, and he was kissing me the whole time, everywhere. A lightness started to come into us. The heaviness was beginning to lift. We were tired, but so alive. We were free.

An hour later, Edward had gone out for food. I checked my phone. Alice had texted Merry Christmas. I texted back. I had so much to tell her, but there would be time later.

Edward brought back food from the local grocery store's salad bar. He'd made us both huge salads with lots of chicken, and brought four containers of different soups. He fixed mine on a tray for me, and we turned on the television and ate in his big bed.

"Merry Christmas," he told me, kissing me throughout the meal. I don't know when I've had a better Christmas than that, nestled in Edward's bed, ending up in his arms.

Carlisle and Esme showed up at the house the next day with the paternity test results. Carlisle had pulled rank to get the results. I really didn't want to share this moment with them, but here they were.

The four of us sat in the living room and Edward pulled out the paper and read the results with me next to him also reading. There was less that a twenty percent probability that he had fathered either child. In other words, Tanya's babies, were Tanya's babies.

It proved a huge disparity with the swab test, showing only a probability of a little over twenty percent. In other words, there's no way Edward had fathered Tanya's children.

We hugged one another for a long silent minute.

When we pulled apart, Edward kept his arm around me. Our hands were joined.

He looked at his mom and dad.

"Edward," Esme said, "Tanya is still insistent that she wants your father and me to adopt these babies. And…we want them. So much." She was pale with exhaustion, but there was a glow in her. I couldn't help but wonder if she would name them Hansel and Greta.

That made me laugh a little, a laugh I didn't try to explain.

Edward said, "That's up to you…but I don't want her anywhere around Bella, me, or my child."

"Understood," Carlisle spoke firmly, Esme looking a bit taken aback at his assertion.

"She doesn't even know who the father is," he added.

Now he and Esme would play the waiting game, and inherit some of the difficulties that they had not supported Edward in carrying.

"Yeah," their son said, "it's a hard road trying to work with a very broken, lying, cheating person when you want to do the right thing," he said rather calmly. "I…wish you both luck with that."

Esme and Carlisle looked at one another tongue in cheek. "Son…I hope you can forgive us…eventually," Carlisle said.

"Maybe," he said, "eventually. I'll work on it. But don't expect anything too quickly. My priority is Bella and our baby. That's really all I care about right now. She's my family, the one I can count on, and I want to be there for my child, no matter what that means, no matter how hard he or she falls, I want to be there. I know that more than ever now. I'm going to be a good father. I'm going to work at it. I'm…grateful you guys adopted me and gave me a chance. You taught me some good things about being a parent. But you taught me some things to not do as well. I'm going to try and listen to who this kid really is. And I'm going to let him know he doesn't have to earn my love…it's just there. If you take these two babies on…I'm happy for you…I know you always wanted more kids. But…I hope you'll learn from the mistakes you made with me. Don't repeat them…learn. I plan to. And…I don't want to hear about Tanya. What happens to her now is really not my problem. I don't really want to hear too much from you. I'll let you know about the baby, but…," he looked at me now, "I need to think. And you two need to back off and let me think."

I had to smile when he used my lines.

After Carlisle and Esme went home, it was like we were released from a huge weight. Maybe someday we would like more children, but they wouldn't be coming all at once, and from a crazy ex-girlfriend.

Edward came to me then, put his arms around me. For a long time, he just cried. "Don't misunderstand…but Bella…for a bit, I thought they were mine. I'm so relieved they're not…but I let myself…." That's all he could say. So for a while, he just let go.

"It's okay," I whispered. "We need to let go. Let's just let go. And then? We won't look back."


	30. Chapter 30

Turkey Baster 30

Scene One:

We went home exhausted, ready to celebrate the New Year in Chicago. On the way home we talked about our future. Edward's agent had a buyer interested in the St. Louis house. Much as I had loved it, I was eager to see it go, along with anything to do with the Tanya years. I knew her children would be in Esme and Carlisle's lives and I didn't know the extent of their presence in our lives in the future, but we would work it out overtime. If they wanted to take on the daunting task of raising twins in their late forties, I felt like I didn't need to add one blue bird to that pile. I could only hope it would be a closed adoption for all of our sakes, and that fact would be a determination in their involvement with us and our child. Surely Tanya's duplicity toward Edward would change Esme's understanding of who she was dealing with. But I had no expectations.

My small apartment looked wonderfully peaceful to me. Almost as soon as we arrived Edward seemed to be looking for every one of its flaws. "There's no cabinet space," he said as he unpacked the groceries we'd bought on the way home. "This is practically a mini-fridge," I heard next. "There's no counter space." And, "How do you stand this lighting?"

Then the living room, "No view. So small. Was this carpet here when you moved in? I've got a thing about someone else's carpeting," he said. And the walls were too thin. Then, "Guess I'll watch the game so I can synchronize with our neighbors."

"They're having sex at 6:30," I said raising my brows. "She's a yeller!"

He had to laugh. I remembered something about his level of OCD. It hadn't mattered then, but now? I wondered how high he was on that Richter scale.

Scene Two:

After taking a nap, I awoke to a scratching sound. I went to the bathroom and looked in the door, and there he was, kneeling in the tub, scrubbing my grout with a toothbrush. "Edward," I said, "what are you doing? That grout has always been like that."

"That's what I was afraid of," he said, scrubbing away. The only thing that saved him was that he was shirtless and in his boxers. He'd been taking a nap with me, but the call of duty must have got him in there scrubbing.

"I think I'm nesting," he said, his hair moving as his shoulders bulged.

I walked over and bent enough that I could shove my hands down the back of his boxers and rub. "My favorite ass," I said. "No pun."

He laughed again, but he didn't stop scrubbing. "I'm almost finished, babe."

I pulled my hands out. "I lost out to some dirty grout and Comet?"

"You can rub my ass while I finish," he said over his shoulder to console me.

"Edward," I snapped. "Seriously?"

He stopped then, wiped the wall down with his rag a couple of times. "It's just…baby we can't have our kid here."

"Why not? We were going to have two kids here! Three! Now it's not good enough?"

"Come here," he washed his hands like a surgeon, then led me into the living room where his Ipad sat on the coffee table. He went on to show me several nice houses in a variety of neighborhoods, all ones I had admired but could never, ever afford, of course.

"Bella these are private listings. They're from my guy. If you want the good stuff, you have to move quick. And…I want the good stuff. What do you think of this?" He turned the pad toward me so I didn't get any glare from the window.

"I like it," I whispered. I loved it. He explained what it was called, a Craftsman style house. Just a fat, wooden, two-storied structure that looked like it could last through fire and famine for another four hundred years. It was on two acres, a rare find for a Chicago suburb. There was landscaping, but he let me know he'd be ripping that all out right away. "And," he added, showing me a map of the location, "forty minutes from Jasper and Alice."

I sat back next to him.

"And," he said, "this couch hurts my ass."

"It's just…it's classic. I thought you liked my apartment."

"I did. Because it's cute…and you're cute…but living here…no. There's an inch of white stuff in the freezer that you have to defrost yourself, and the oven isn't self-cleaning, and there's no closets, parking is terrible, the windows leak air and there's no screens in the summer, and security sucks, and I don't like the way the toilet flushes and the drains are slow. Baby this place is clogged."

"Are you Monk or Holmes on Homes? You're both."

"And your vacuum cleaner spits out more dust than it takes in. But I did change out the filter and bag and clean out the hose. But still…it's weak." He ran his hand through his hair. He was serious.

"You're like…insulting my life."

"No. It's cool for a girl alone. You've done all this yourself. It's…homey, but Bella…let's make something together for our little family here. I like the old stuff…but I like it to work like new stuff. There's ways to keep the integrity but make it serve you, you know?"

"You're so slick," I said, going for his boxers again, the slick thing in the front. Up and down I went, and he helped bring it out in one swift move.

"You're so encouraging," I said.

"I am," he said, throwing his head back for a minute. "This couch scratches your back," he said moving side to side, "so that's its one good quality."

"Any itch you have, me and my couch will service," I said, before I maneuvered onto my side, my knees folded against that back-scratching couch, my head on his lap as I took him into my mouth.

"You smell like Comet," I said around him.

"Oh…but I take it you like the house?" he said.

"Mmmmm," I said.

"Oh," he had his hand on the back of my head, and he was trying not to smash my face all the way against him. I was too lazy to move too much and disturb the baby, so I lifted on my elbow and put my arm under his leg, and he did all the calorie burning moves to bring himself to a stuttering climax.

"Shhh," I told him once I was finished, "thin walls."

Scene Three:

We brought in the New Year with Alice and Jasper. We went to a rooftop party at a fancy hotel, hoping to somehow repeat a smattering of our experience in Spain. But dancing had to be slowed down. So no matter the rhythm, Edward held my big stomach against him, and my fat nesting-pigeon boobs, and we swayed to our own beat.

"I like all these round things," he murmured as we danced.

"I like all of your…columns," I said, knowing my stomach kept our hips apart, unlike when we'd been in Spain. "Especially your leaning tower…."

He laughed a little. "We like each other," he whispered, so silly since we'd put an offer on the house and they had accepted.

"Well, you like me anyway," I couldn't help saying. We'd been arguing about not bringing my furniture to the new house. He didn't want any of it.

"Is this about your stuff again? You admit most of that was in the apartment when you moved in. The dust mites alone…."

"Not most…just the appliances. That's what got me interested in the era in the first place. The other stuff…Jasper hauled it up there for me. I found it at flea markets or yard sales. But I was making my first home, you know? The first one where I lived on my own."

He kissed me.

"Don't use your sex on me," I mock-glared.

"I'm not. Of course we'll bring what you want. We have a…toolshed."

I slapped his arm, and he laughed. I liked his laugh so much.

The baby was kicking, and with Edward so close he was feeling it.

"That's so amazing," he said, like our baby was the only baby ever.

"It's not so amazing when you're the one being kicked from the inside at two in the morning."

"I like you to kick me awake at two in the morning though," he said, because we had lots of sex at various times during the night, even now, lots of creative mingling.

So at midnight, we were ready to do some serious necking. He pulled me into a corridor, as we were wont to do in public places, but this time it was only kissing, and some boob action, though I did grab the tower and make him squeal like a girl.

Scene 4

My husband was a beautiful man. "What are you looking at?" he asked me that day in February as he hurried around packing my life into boxes.

"You," I said. "I hope our baby looks just like you."

He laughed at this. "Okay, but is this going to be one of those weird pregnancy conversations?"

"Do you know how good looking you are?" Sometimes I was unexplainably jealous about it. I would think about all the women he'd known who had wanted him and it made me crazy. "I'll bet when you played ball…well, ball is the operative word. So how many were there? More than ten?"

"No," he said. "I only remember you."

"Liar. Big fat liar."

"It's true. You remember Men in Black? That's what you did for me. I can't remember them. It happened after that first night in my office."

"That was your office?"

"Sort of. In its raw state. Yeah. You were the first piece of business I conducted there. Biggest deal of my life. I didn't even have my desk yet. Talk about efficient."

"I told you I was efficient. Remember?"

"Yes. I can remember everything about you. Just not any others."

"Others? Full of shit man, others?"

"Oh boy. This is going into crazy land now." He was carefully folding my doilies.

"Tell me about that other one you were in love with."

"What other one?"

"You said you thought you were in love a couple of times. There's crazy psychotic Tanya, and who was the other one?"

"Um…not sure who I meant. Remember I 'thought' I was in love. You, however, have taught me a new definition of love."

"Oh you are so full of shit. No wonder you swept me off of my feet."

"And kept your shoes," he waggled his eyebrows and moved to my ten years of Mary Englebreit magazines. "All of these go, babe? You don't want to donate them maybe?"

"All of them," I said firmly. He obediently began to unshelve them and pack them in the waiting cartons. "Now talk."

"Okay…psychotic Maria."

"Yeah. Tell me about that bitch."

"Um…four years older than me. I just made it into the minors. Had absolutely no time for girls but I was in a foreign country."

"Did this bitch teach you to dance?"

"No. I picked that up."

"Like an STD?"

"No. I was just a natural. Actually, the guys did it down there—salsa danced. In the locker room, but let's not go there. Too much bacteria," he said shuddering.

"Maria." I said.

"Right. So…she liked them young and dumb. Enter me. She hung around the camps. I was green so I thought she wanted me for my…."

"Dick," I said.

"Sense of humor. So…I got overly involved, then couldn't get rid of her…and she sliced up my gear."

"Hah!" I don't know why this made me happy. "You used her and then tried to toss her aside like the trash she was, and she fought back!"

"No. I got drunk, then I got practically engaged, then she wanted my blood…."

"And your stool," I said meanly.

"I don't know about that."

"How kinky was it?"

"Bella, I'm not going to do this." He was looking into the toaster now, and grimacing. I couldn't believe he hadn't already found and eradicated the crumbs.

"You like sluts. That's what attracted you to me."

"Danger Will Robinson," he muttered, shaking the toaster over the trashcan.

"Let's get back to the first one…if she was the first one. First slut Edward?"

"Um…sure." He was maniacally shaking the toaster now, until he threw the thing in the trash can and said, "Fuck it."

"Oh…somebody's mad."

"Bella…," he took a deep breath, "I know you're not sleeping…and we're packing up your apartment, and I know you loved this place…."

"Do not patronize the fat pregnant girl. Do not."

"Okay. How about I get the, sexy, beautiful pregnant woman I am happy to call my wife a nice bowl of those strawberries I bought this morning?" He was already opening the frig.

"No."

"No? Okay. What would you like? Dear?"

"I'd like to not have a back ache," I said, knowing I was sounding a bit like Tanya right before her water broke.

He walked to the couch, and hovered around, pulling me into a sit so he could squeeze behind me and rub my lower back.

"You hate my couch," I said, and I really felt like I wanted to cry.

"I don't. I do, but not hate," he tried to laugh, but he massaged me so darn wonderfully well. He had these comedic foldable fingers that were just…perfect. I only wished they hadn't been on so many sluts but there was nothing I could do about it now.

"Oh, that…feels so good. I almost want to forgive you for porking so many women."

"I haven't. So stop saying that."

"What if I'm not enough? I mean…we had no time together at all and I'm a blimp."

"Stop it. You're beautiful. This is my baby in here," he reaches around me, his hands on my stomach.

"My breasts are dirigibles," I complain.

His hands move up to cup them. "You just get better and better. These breasts have morphed into my fantasy."

"So you like big water balloon breasts? Is that what Maria had?"

"Bella, stop. I don't want to compare you to anyone else. I don't think of her. You're who I want. You're who I'm with. We made vows. Remember? You're it." He kissed my neck.

"I don't know why I'm being so mean. You're so good to me. I…I just wanted to know about the whores you ran with before me. I just…I'm so…."

He kept kissing my neck. My head fell back on him. "Oh god, you know that drives me crazy."

I knew he was trying to distract me, and it was working.

"Let's take this off," he said, meaning my tank top. I lifted my arms as he pulled it off over my head. My hair was everywhere, but he gathered that in one hand and smoothed it over my shoulder. I leaned back on him, and his hands kneaded my breasts until I moaned.

"That's it," he whispered. "That's my good whore."

I laughed then, and he laughed too. But somebody was poking my back. "Is that a swordfish in your pocket or are you glad to see me?" I asked, reaching behind me to pet the fish.

"That's a whale baby. That's what these big nipples do to me."

"Hey Orca," I purred. "Wanna see my swimmin' hole?"

"Hell yes I do," he said, and he slipped from behind me then, and knelt on the floor in front of the sofa, and helped me turn, feet on the floor, and he helped me move around and got my shorts and underwear off. Then he got ready to work. "You did say 'see,' didn't you Bella?" He said, eyes trained on the target.

"Yeah…to Orca. But who are you?"

"Call me Ahab," he said, going in.

Scene 5:

He was so corny. A nerd in a cool jock's body. I told him that. We were following the moving van to the new house. All I was allowed to do was tell the movers where to put things. He made me promise.

Jasper and Alice were already there. Alice was jumping up and down a little. She was a ball of energy again. When I got out of the car she had her hands raised in a V for victory. I waddled up to the porch and she and Jasper got on either side of me to take me up. "I'm pregnant, not crippled," I laughed.

"We're crippled," Jasper said. "Let us try and make you as dependent as we can."

Alice laughed. "Jazz and I love this house, Bella. Everytime I come over here I fall more in love. I've torn lots of ideas out of those old magazines."

Not my Mary Englebreits. I looked at Edward. I saw true fear and alarm on his face. Now he would see how much I loved my sister. I said nothing.

"Glad it wasn't me," he muttered.

Scene 6

Edward and Jasper had painted the nursery walls, but Alice did the mural. She had been coming over after work using her set of small paint brushes to put some of her favorite scenes from Mother Goose all over the walls. Edward insisted on running the fans and opening the windows to keep the room ventilated lest I poison the baby. So Alice and I wore sweaters while she worked. Sometimes I was allowed to fill in background, but mostly it was hands off at her insistence. "I'm never painting over this," I said. My sister was such an artist.

"Oh yeah, this kid won't want this for long. If it's a boy he'll want super-heroes, if it's a girl she'll want princesses or something."

"Pretty stereo-typical, don't you think?"

"Not like Mother Goose for a baby, right?"

"Yeah, but the child has no choice. You're talking about him or her voicing a preference. You know my kid will be off the wall."

"It will be the first of many surprises, Bella. This child will have its own mind."

"That scares the hell out of me. Really, Alice. The reason I don't want to know the sex is, I'm scared to death to have a girl. What if she's like me? I was such a fucked up kid."

"Why do you say that? You were a sweetheart. You couldn't help it if the adults around you were crazy assholes. Don't talk like that. This child will be loved and great. Don't put all that old baggage on this little innocent."

I was sniffing and crying a little. I was scared. I told her now, "I'm scared."

She stopped painting and turned to look at me. She looked so cute in her bib overalls and her crazy socks and two little pigtails. "Of course you are. This is an important job. But you'll have help, you know. Edward is just a little invested…a little eager. And Jazz and I are two pillars of society. Well Jazz is. It's cool."

"I'll…I'll make mistakes. I know I will. I keep thinking…this is just a perfect little person right now…just not screwed up at all, but once they lay it in my arms, once it's around me…I'll screw it up. I know I will."

"Wow. Did I give you no self-confidence at all?"

I am full on crying now. My natural state these days. "Can you be pre-partum?" I ask, doing my weak-ass laugh.

She puts her brushes down and comes to sit next to me on the twin bed we've put in the room. "Look Swanie. You are going to mess this kid up. It's not…oh gee I hope I don't. You will. Count on it. It's like a mix. The kid will make some dumb moves. You will make some dumb moves. Edward will make a few. You and Edward will make a few. And you just keep working it out. You keep saying, sorry. You keep trying to do better. You get some advice sometimes. You laugh. You cry. You pray. You get mad. You read a few books. You talk to other parents. And the kid is turning into a person as flawed and cracked and interesting and unique as the rest of us, and somehow, the kid is your kid and surprises the hell out of you in some really good ways because all of that time you were also doing a bunch of things really right, too. It's called…the human experience or something."

"Did you learn that in college?"

"No. I learned how to roll a really good joint in college."

"High school," I whispered and she slapped my leg.

"Look, just love this kid. You already do. That's what we needed, right? You'll figure things out. One day at a time. You're already projecting to the wedding."

"To the jailhouse."

"Cut it out. One day at a time. Live in the moment. That's where the good stuff is."

"I know where you learned that."

"Yeah. You do. And the more you actually listen to what I'm saying, the more it redeems what I've been through. So listen up, Swanie."

Scene 7

Edward and I are watching Paranormal Two. "Oh shit, oh shit, shit, shit," I say as the pots and pans are swaying.

Edward is not laughing. He hates these movies. He admits they terrify him. An unknown enmity messing with things he thinks are cleaned and organized horrifies him.

He doesn't even try to comfort me. He can't.

"Edward," I say, and he looks at me, kind of green and wide-eyed. "It's wet. Like my…."

He pulls the afghan off of us and looks at the wet crouch of my pajamas. "Oh shit," he says.

It's baby time.


	31. Chapter 31

Thanks for all the great reviews for this story. I read every word. Thanks for being patient about this update.

Turkey Baster 31

All the way to the hospital Edward stared ahead, two hands on the wheel, knuckles shiny and ready to split.

I called Alice and got her answering service, then the same with Jasper. I left them both messages. "It's time! Get to the hospital."

After I hung up, I noticed Edward's rigid posture hadn't changed. "Are you alright?" I asked, my hand on my stomach. Another pain seized me then, but it wasn't much worse than a hard menstrual cramp. I did wonder how much worse it would get. But people had been living through birth and delivery for years. They'd been dying too, I remembered just as quickly.

"Are you breathing?" I asked him the same time he said to me, "Don't hold your breath." He grabbed my hand. His was sweaty.

"If I could have this for you, I would," he said, snapped out of his trance. "At least I think I would."

"And if I could let you have it for me, I would," I said before another pain grabbed me. "Oh, crud."

"Breathe," he said, and I was somewhat annoyed that he thought it that simple but I needed him too much to rebuke him.

At the hospital he pulled to the emergency doors and honked.

"Don't honk," I said, not wishing to cause a scene. I preferred to slip in quietly, pop out this baby and take a nap.

But not him. He was in and back out leading a man pushing a wheelchair. I got the feeling then this day would be one long attempt to control everything he felt he could without doing the one thing that mattered, getting this kid out of me pain free.

He held my hand as the attendant pushed me in. He did all the talking at the desk, then he turned to me and kissed my hair. "I'm really sorry about this."

About birth? Not as sorry as I was. They wanted to take me up while he ran out and parked and got my bag. "I'll be back," he told me.

"Hope so," I said cheerfully. Then Edward instructed the nurse to wait for him before I was sucked deeper into the black hole of their care.

Once we were settled in the room and he had gone over everything, re-arranging the remote, which only he used, from the left to the right and back, he held my hand while another pain washed through me. "That was closer. By fifteen seconds." He dutifully punched that into his Smart Phone.

"Hey," I said, "breathe."

"Don't worry about me," he said. "You're the one."

"You're so sweet," I said having this sudden sympathy for him. "Remember Spain?"

"We'll go again. Are you feeling alright? Can I rub your back? Ice chips?" He was licking his lips, they were so dry.

"Remember that beach and the sun so bright on those gray cliffs and the water so blue?"

"And your bikini. I won't forget that."

I hit him. "I want to remember Spain."

"Why? I'm here. You're here. The baby is here. It's the best. The best is in this room."

I put my hand on his cheek and we stared at one another. "Don't argue with me."

He was seated next to me, and he took my hand and kissed my knuckles. "I remember in Spain…we were on that boat…and you had on a white blouse and a white sweater tied around your neck, remember?"

I nodded a bit.

"And the blue backdropped you, and you were talking to me with your hair whipping around, and I thought…well I said to myself, this woman…this woman is mine…and it's like…."

"Oh….shut up…shut up…." I stiffened. This was the worst.

"I'll get the nurse," he said.

"No." I stayed his hand. "It's…." Well, I didn't feel like trying to explain it. "Oh shit," I said as it abated. "I know cursing is the least creative form of communication, but sometimes it just says it all."

He patted my arm. "Curse all you want."

"Okay. You were telling me good stuff. Oh wait, shit…shit."

"Is that really another one?"

"No, shithead, I'm faking."

"That's so close," he said. "I'm getting the nurse."

"Hey…you're not a shithead. Sorry."

"I told you to curse all you want."

She came in then. Whenever he wanted a woman, they somehow knew. She looked eager to help him. Not as interested in me. But it kind of worked because he was relentless enough for three.

"She needs ice chips," he said. "This no drinking thing, isn't that because you don't want a mess on the table? Really? Look at her lips. She's working like a teamster. Have you given birth?"

"Edward," I said, laughing until another pain gripped.

"They're that close together?" the nurse asked.

I hated stupid questions when my guts were twisting left while my uterus went right.

I had to hand it to Tanya—two? Really? Um, no way. No way in hell.

I looked at Edward, but he faded into black as another pain gripped me. When it abated, the room brightened. "Holy crap," I said panting.

"You are doing fantastic, baby. But you have to breathe next time. You held your breath and that just won't do, okay?"

I wasn't five years old, but I had to admit I liked the pity in his voice.

I didn't notice the nurse had left until she was in again.

"This monitor has a really annoying sound," Edward told her. "I can't imagine going through what she's going through and having to hear that thing. She can hear it pick up and she knows that means pain is coming. How would you like that? Sounds like a form of torture don't you think?"

"Edward," I said, grabbing for his arm as another pain came. "Me…me," I panted.

"Of course you. Of course…breathe," and he breathed with me. He looked so worried, so intense, I was in pain but soon as I could I planned to laugh to cheer him up. Then, as it escalated, I decided I would never laugh again.

"Do we get a doctor anytime soon?" he asked her.

"My doctor," I said.

"Yes, her doctor," he repeated.

He had to move aside then because the nurse was going to check me. Yes, he had his face down there, watching every move. "Is it ready?" he asked as she snapped the rubber glove off.

She laughed, but cute as he was, he was getting to her. "She's about a three. Way to go yet."

"What?" we both said together. Great minds.

I looked desperately at Edward. He swallowed hard and stroked my hair behind my ear. "It goes quickly once it starts," he said.

"I thought it had started," I said.

"Don't give me those eyes…I love those eyes, but I can't get you out of this," he kissed me again. How I wished I could lose myself in that kiss, but I had a kid to push out of my body.

The nurse tossed the gloves in the waste can and went out.

"Alone again," he said.

"Naturally," I answered.

Enter Alice and Jasper. "Oh my gosh, this is it," she said to me, rushing to my side. Jasper stood back more, but I could see the excitement, the concern. They were wearing their Yoga clothes, hers blue, his black.

"You're dressed like Ninja's," I said.

She was on the opposite side from Edward. She kissed my hair. "My baby is having a baby," she said all teary. "We were at freaking Yoga. I told Jazz it would be just like you to have this baby while we were doing the Downward Dog."

I laughed, but another pain came. Edward had one hand, Alice the other, and now Jasper held my big toe. I kept my eyes on Jazz during the pain. He had this frozen expression, oddly calming. He'd watched Alice suffer for months. I could see he was a master at being there for the sufferer without letting his own feelings show. As soon as the pain ebbed I told him, "It's good pain Jasper." Not that I believed it.

"It's all good, Swanie," he said wiggling my toe a little.

Then another pain hit, and I pointed my toes, but not for long, Jasper had my feet uncovered and was rubbing them.

"The uterus is pulling the cervix open," Edward whispered, stroking my arm. I looked at him, but his eyes were closed and I realized he'd been talking to himself, probably trying to have a strategy for not losing it.

"Dude," Jasper said to him, "she's doing great."

Edward nodded, kissing my forehead. The pain was short and already ebbing. He was looking at the monitor, "That was more intense."

"So if her water broke she's already lost the mucous plug?" Alice asked, all of us looking quickly to her and her breaking out in a smile.

She made me smile, "I hate you."

"Not as much as Edward," she said. "Mucous plug, mucous plug."

"Babe…you're gross," Jasper said.

Three hours later:

"Push, Bella. Push."

I wanted to end them all. But I was busy dying. I looked around at the masked bandits, all of them trying to rob me of life.

"Push," the doctor said.

I pretended to push. I made a lot of noise, but I wasn't pushing. I was way too tired.

"I see the hair," Alice said, her voice awe-filled.

"It's dark brown," Jasper said.

"My God," Edward said, looking at the mirror above us fixed right on my hoo-haw so we could watch the birth. He was holding my hand, very near to me.

I was squeezing his hand as hard as I could. Agony. "Edward," I said, and it's all I could get out, for a great retching sound was coming out of me.

"That's it," Edward was saying. "Oh God, the head is out, Sweetheart. You're almost there."

"Oh God," Alice echoed.

She and Jasper had a front row seat, their faces lit with excitement, Alice holding her hands over her mouth, her eyes huge.

Then I heard the little cry, and Alice's, "Oh God, oh God, she's perfect."

And Edward was so proud, kissing me, holding my hand. "She's perfect," he echoed, "isn't she? Like her mother." He looked down on her as they laid her on me.

"Dad you get to cut the cord," the doctor said, and they handed him the tiny scissors.

Jasper and Alice had moved to the side, peering around Edward to get a look at our daughter. She was bleating like a little lamb, and her limbs were bony and covered with velvet skin. She had a little blood on her, but not too much. Her eyes were open, and she quieted when I spoke to her.

Once the cord was cut the nurse took her over to the plastic sided basinet, and the three of them moved en masse to get around her. Jasper and Alice were taking pictures.

The doctor worked on me a bit. I was so happy I laid there like a rag doll. I was enjoying watching the three of them fuss over her. I could tell Jasper was crying. Alice had her arm around him. Edward was at the bassinet, too. "She's a beauty, babe." His body was blocking me from being able to see. He was staring at his daughter, his back to me.

"Edward," I said, while the doctor was finishing with me, and the nurse was tending me. "Edward, I can't see the baby. I can't see."

He turned back to me then, his face radiant. There's just no other word. The nurse moved in to do her thing so they could bring the baby to me.

Edward moved next to me and pressed a warm kiss on my cheek. He took my hand again, with both of his this time. "Oh baby, she's so beautiful. Can my wife hold the baby…like now please?" he said to the nurse.

They brought her then, our little miracle. I took her in my arms and she felt like a bag of sugar in a blanket. "So you're the one," I said with sheer awe. "We made this?"

"We did," he said proudly. "I can see you in her. Could I be this fortunate to have my little beauty be like her mom?"

I didn't know what to say. She was so amazing. I unwrapped her a little to see her arms and legs again. "Oh she's perfect," I said. "Let Aunt Alice be the first one to hold her," I whispered to him, and he took our daughter from me, and took the few steps to where Alice stood with Jasper, and laid her in my sister's arms. Alice looked from her to me. Jasper, too. He was as close to them as he could be, his arm around Alice.

Edward snapped their picture, then my sister rocked her arms and beheld our little miracle. "Bella, Mom did this when she came home with you…put you in my arms. I was only three…but I remember. And now her…in my arms…."

Jasper looked at me and smiled. "Swanie."


	32. Chapter 32

Thanks for all the great reviews. You are darlings, everyone.

Turkey Baster 32

"I swear Miss Elizabeth is smiling at me," he said.

"She's too little to smile at you," I said. "She's spastic. And you get her excited and one of the things her face does is appear to smile for real reasons."

"What about when it scrunches and she cries. That means exactly what you think it means. So why can't the smile? Anyway, she's a genius."

"Don't do that lame parent thing where the baby has to be a genius. I'm not a genius, you're not a genius," I said.

"Depends who you ask," he said.

"You mean if I ask you…"

"I'm a genius for picking you to be the mother of my child and she's a genius."

"Well…I think I picked you," but we could argue that and 'genius' might not show up in any facet of that story so let's just…." We were all lying on our bed. He reached over and kissed me.

"Three more days," he said. He'd been counting. Three more days was my six-week check up. If the doctor gave the green light…intercourse was happening. It was his favorite word. He whispered it to me now, "intercourse."

I laughed. "You haven't suffered," I said, "we've been creative."

He moved closer, our heads meeting, the point of the vee our bodies made, the baby lying between. "Oh but baby…much as I love it all…intercourse with my Bella, that tunnel of love, that segue-way to iss-blay, it's been so long, so long baby," he whined, his finger drawing a line over my collar bone to the cleavage showing in my barely buttoned shirt for my boobs were on call twenty-four hours now.

"Whiner," I said.

"I'm learning from our little doll. You scream you whine and cry and Mommy comes running. I don't know why I didn't try it before. Forget dinner and jewelry and groveling. Just shit your pants and criiiiiy. That's what gets Mommy's attention."

"I hope you didn't just give me a glimpse into our old age," I said.

We laughed then. Elizabeth had fallen asleep between us and he scooped her up and put her in the bassinet sitting near our bed. Then he came back to the bed and lay behind me, pushing me onto my stomach so he could rub my back. "Like this pretty girl?" he whispered.

"Better than your other idea," I said. I meant the whining, etc. My eyes slid closed. I was smiling and getting sleepy.

I don't know when I actually fell asleep, but it didn't take much these days. And Edward's hands could put me to sleep or wake me up, or take me up like nothing else. But I lifted my head, and Elizabeth was still asleep and Edward wasn't in the room.

I went into the hall, and looked over the banister to the living room below. Edward sat in conversation with Carlisle. I couldn't believe my eyes. I hoped Esme wasn't with him. I debated going back to bed and pretending like I hadn't noticed his glaring presence in my house. I watched for another moment. It felt weird to be ease-dropping, but if Edward wanted me in on this conversation wouldn't he have come for me? Before I could decide what to do, Elizabeth cried and Edward looked up and saw me. I waved, then Carlisle looked up and I waved at him.

He stood. "Hello, Bella," he said. "I hope you don't mind. I was in town for a conference…. Your home is…."

"You don't have to feel…it's good to see you. I'll get Elizabeth and be right down," I said.

Was this what I wanted to do? Somehow it was. It helped that he didn't bring Esme. This was the closest one Edward had for a father. If he was being civil, and it looked like he was…it felt right to let him see Elizabeth. I hoped Edward agreed.

So I carried Elizabeth down the stairs and they stood at the bottom waiting. Carlisle looked eager, but Edward conflicted. He was proud, but tuned in to him as I was I could feel his reticence. He didn't think Carlisle was worthy just yet. Perhaps not for a long time. But time was precious and shouldn't be taken for granted. Carlisle had risked something coming here…rejection. Anyway, it took some courage.

"Can I hold her?" he asked.

I looked quickly at Edward and he wasn't protesting. We carefully made the transition.

Carlisle spoke babytalk to Elizabeth. It made me smile. Edward was watching, not smiling yet. We moved to the living room and sat down. Carlisle held Elizabeth and after a bit, he looked at us, teary eyed. "I hope you guys…Edward…you're my son."

Edward looked uncomfortable, but if we were ever going to even classify as friends we'd have to dally in the land of uncomfortable for a while at least.

"Look…I'm glad you came over to see her. Thanks for coming. But it's like I said…it'll take time."

"It's hard on Esme," he said.

"You don't want me to get on that just now," Edward said. "It's like I told you before. Give me time."

"I understand," he said. "It's hard to think of missing out on this one."

Edward shrugged. There didn't seem to be more to say. Carlisle asked if we wanted to see pictures of the twins, and Edward let out a breath.

"I would," I said. I looked at them, and then Edward glanced at them for a minute.

Carlisle kissed Elizabeth before returning her to me. He seemed to know it was time to leave. He gave Edward a loose hug before leaving. Since I held Elizabeth he touched my arm and said, "I hope you'll be in touch soon."

Edward nodded before he could politely close the door. I hated to see him this conflicted, but I understood.

There was a damper on the evening after that. Until Jasper and Alice showed. They couldn't get enough of holding Elizabeth and they insisted Edward and I leave the house to get a milkshake.

"A milkshake?" I asked. "But I have to nurse every five minutes."

"Don't go far then," she said. Before I could protest, Edward took my hand and hurried me out to the car.

"We're alone," he sang, "we're alone."

We pulled down the street to a local park and he pulled into the parking lot and shut the car off and pulled me to him and we started to neck. He fired, and I returned fire and that meant when his hand went to my lady parts my hand went to his man parts and it got hot and hotter and when his hands started to roam I broke it off and said, "Not the boobs!" because I didn't want to get milk all over, and he shoved his hand down my pants and cupped me hard and the tips of his fingers found the place and he rubbed like only he could and then there was a knock on the driver's side window and the flashlight in our faces and Edward sat up and so did I and I said, "Oh…shit," as I frantically adjusted my clothing. And Edward rolled down his window and the officer asked for identification and Edward tried to laugh but it was strained, and he tried to explain and the officer asked if he'd been drinking and he said, "Fuck no, if you'd listen."

And the officer told him to keep his hands on the wheel, which he did, then he had his hand running through his hair and the officer repeated, "hands on the wheel, sir," with full authority.

Edward slapped his hands onto the wheel and the cop saw we lived just down the street and he told Edward the park closed at dusk and handed him the identification back and once in the car the officer waited to see that we really left and Edward waved and said, "Fucker," as we pulled from the lot.

We were quiet, and then I burst out laughing. He had to eventually grin at least. "Oh God, Alice and Jasper are going to love this," I said.

"You're not telling them. They'll know we parked and you're not telling."

So we got ice cream at the Dairy Queen window because we were too humbled to go in, and when we got home Edward said, "Not a word."

And I laughed and ran to the house ahead of him and he grabbed me at the door and turned me around and we were necking against the house while he held the ice cream in its paper bag beside my head. Then the porch lights went on and Jasper opened the door and saw us and said, "Get that ice cream in here before it melts."

Then Edward told them what had happened and we spent a good while laughing about it. Alice was determined we were all going away the next weekend and she and Jasper would be on hand to babysit while Edward and I had some dancing time. That's how she put it, 'dancing time.'

Then Jasper and Edward spent the rest of the night on the Ipad picking out our destination while I nursed Elizabeth and shared her back and forth with my sister.

I took a chance…a stupid chance and I got changed. I can't recommend what I did…it was reckless and insane, but the motive was love and somehow that's what came through…that's what grew.

The End


End file.
